WHY

There’s a reason for everything under the sun.

The attribution is the thing, however, that gets in our way. We see things through our uniquely-coloured glasses. If we like a person or something they’ve done it’s because we see in them something that reminds us of something we like in ourselves or someone else we respect.

The attribution is not the truth; not always.

We’re quick to attribute “cause” when in fact causation is a long way from our minds. Our mischievous hearts and our errant minds hold sway many times.

Why. One single word; it’s the most important question we can ask ourselves.

Reason suggests the cause of many things is well beyond our first attribution of it.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

CONSTRUCTION

I’ve been watching as the monument of a house at the end of Foreshore Road is being built. This owner/builder has been methodical and meticulous with every stage it seems, from the careful laying of foundations to the management and checking of sub-contractors’ work. Everything looks promising.

Relationship building is no different.

Not only do relationships need to be built from the ground up, like the house, they need maintaining once the construction phase is complete. Maintenance can even seem like harder work. This is probably because we don’t get as much visual feedback for our investment of effort. Yet, to keep things on track and viable we do need to invest.

Inspections

At every stage of construction, and throughout the life of the house, the house will require inspection—to check for anomalies, the condition of things, wear and tear etc. Part of the process is about observing how things are going (or wearing out) over time.

We are loath to forget our relationships either. Instead of inspections, however, we’re managing expectations all the time; using feedback as a gauge for the condition of things. We’re constantly checking the foundations of trust, ensuring we are always doing enough to engender trust via respect for the other party. These two pillars—trust and respect—are the bricks and mortar of our relational constructions.

When we see two people chatting at a work get-together—two people who need each other in their work—how readily don’t we see the large safety sign: CONSTRUCTION SITE – KEEP OUT! We must respect boundaries. We must not impede the rapport.

Construction projects are fun and we should enjoy every stage of them. Constructing rapport is the business of humanity. What are you constructing today? How do you plan to construct? What checks will you have in place? What feedback will you be seeking?

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Battling the Demon Drink

“O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, with pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!”

~William Shakespeare, Othello.

Alcohol. The problems it brings. For any component of social lubrication it should bring it brings entire units of harm to the family in the out-of-control user and abuser of the stuff—be these overt or covert problems (for many things are hidden). It is still such a great pity that it features so much on commercial television and other advertising. What are we, as a society, propagating here?

It’s strange how many supposed ‘spiritual people’ “drink” i.e. very routinely. Even if they’re drinking only ‘Drink Safe’ amounts they’ve allowed the world a say in their lives—a world they’ve essentially vowed to be “in” but not “of.” They give an affirmative voice to an enemy, for who would truly drink without wanting some inebriation effect from the activity. Why not instead drink ginger beer or lemon, lime and bitters? Lemonade even.

The problem with drinking, as per any other social disease, is it traps the occasional person against their inner will, and they become dependent on the stuff. Do I lie? Can you give it up indefinitely? Would that trouble you? Honestly. Can you just have one and then stop? Can you happily go out and not drink? Can you take or leave the stuff? Really. Or do any of the foregoing test your resolve and require the slightest semblance of effort to maintain? If it’s “yes” to any of these you don’t need me to tell you that you’ve got a problem with alcohol. Like me, you already know. There’s no shame. What “is,” is.

Then there’s the proven generational factor we all too often forget. Fortunately some of the television advertising has picked up on this.

As I write I know I make myself a party pooper, but only to those with a problem with their drinking, or their view on it. Only the problem drinker has a problem with someone not drinking, whether they voice this or not.

As someone who used to be a problem drinker before giving it up, alcohol (though you might dispute this) has the power to destroy life—ask the millions who frequent the rooms of AA each day over the world. Yet, it’s the insidious affects of alcohol use and abuse that take their toll over the years too. It ages us. It wastes away precious brain cells, millions at a time. It slows our thinking. Who on earth wants to die mentally before they do physically? If gives us cancer. Alcohol is a carcinogen.

“Inside every funny drunk is a whiskey-case full of problems denied.”

It is a blessed person who is allergic. They spit the enemy right out of their mouths and never have another thing to do with it.

Unfortunately I had such a great physical tolerance for the stuff when I did drink and this earned me serious social standing. But it came at great cost. In my case there were no overt costs, but alcohol helped magnificently to erode everything that I’d build over the first ten to fifteen years of my adult life.

But, family breakdown is not the only thing alcohol “assists” with. If you can drink and ‘drink well,’ pause and give consideration to the wider costs. Be honest with yourself.

“Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”

~Proverbs 31:6-7 (NIV).

The above proverb gives voice to the reason people drink—for effects to the slightest inebriation. If we were miserable, we too would drink. Yet, there are other ways of dealing with misery. If inebriation offers us better perception we’ve got a problem with the way we’re seeing the world.

The problem drinker, deep down, knows this is for them; they know deep down this is true. Their problem is how not to drink. What sort of life does that make? Well, there is help. It is the very reason Alcoholics Anonymous was formed. Here’s the twist. It’s the shame in being one. Yet shame (and it’s a hoax, really) is the smallest cost.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Seven Types of Love

“Intimacy only comes with trust.”

~Janvrin & Selleck.

Love is a rubber-hits-the-road type of thing. People tell each other they love each other all the time but we know when they really mean it by what they do. Love’s a verb; a doing word. Analysed, says psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, love is effectively partitioned (or shown) in three ways: intimacy, passion and (decision and) commitment. He describes eight ways of love (one of which is non-love). It’s the Sternberg triangular theory of love (1986).

1. Liking Love – simply involves intimacy: confiding in another, sharing feelings etc. It is closeness to, and the liking of, another person. All good friendships involve this type of love.

2. Infatuated Love – simply involves only passion: it is erotic attraction; feeling ‘in love,’ intense longing and arousal. It’s the concentrated yearning for union with another person.

3. Empty Love – involves only commitment: the intention to remain in relationship. Many older style marriages existed in this way. People these days generally want more. They perhaps saw parents and grandparents “exist” in this way and they won’t have a bar of it.

4. Romantic Love – involves both intimacy and passion and is perhaps the most “lovey” type of love. Intimacy and passion carry a couple through this stage very easily without the need of commitment (which is needed a little later). It describes what we feel in the first six or twelve months of most romances (before the gloss wears off and the harder work begins, necessitating commitment).

5. Companionate Love – has everything bar passion. This probably describes most healthy marriages ninety percent of the time (with just a smattering of healthy passion added to taste!). Necessarily, healthy marriages are going to share a good component of friendship (liking love) with the added component of decision and commitment for the long haul.

6. Fatuous Love – full of passion and commitment. An exciting, fiery love is this one. Probably describes some vibrant longer term relationships. It is hard to see, however, where good relationships go without some level of intimacy, which comes from and produces trust—probably the most important ingredient in any sustainable relationship.

7. Consummate Love – the best marriages have a blend of all three: intimacy, passion and commitment. There is no unhealthy absence of balance here. Consummate love is the type of love married people should strive for with their partners.

But, love is so much broader than marital love by simple virtue that it exists in all relationships, even the macho ones i.e. non-love or empty love. Family and working relationships demonstrate this. Love is necessary everywhere.

The triangular theory of love also describes the situational “placement” of love. Intimacy, passion and commitment are required in different portions depending on the needs of the time. This is something that should always be remembered.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Further Information:

Robert J. Sternberg, In Search of the Human Mind (2^nd Ed) (Fort Worth, Texas: Harcourt Brace College Publishers, 1998, 1995), p. 483.

David Straker, Changing Minds – In Detail (Crowthorne, Great Britain: Syque Publishing, 2008), p. 140.

Resolving Anger, Being Happy

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it only leads to evil.”

~Psalm 37:8 (NIV).

Unhappiness is simply a minor form of anger. In this mental, emotional and spiritual place we’re disgruntled with the unfairness of life. We’re always discontent here, lacking gratitude, for there is nothing to be grateful for. That’s the worldview. Then later when we feel better we perhaps might feel guilty for being so harsh on the world or others.

This sort of malady is something we have quite routinely and it always affects our relationships, and quite badly at times.

We can resolve it. As famous pastor A.W. Tozer might say, ‘We can turn about face from the negative to the positive in one swift movement.’ And this is the advice of good resolve made in the above verse.

“Do not fret” is perhaps better translated in the original Hebrew as, “Do not become enraged,” at either life’s inequities or at God himself.[1] Remember that any unhappiness or complaint is really a form of anger or fretting—and it always leads to evil i.e. thoughts, words or deeds that are set against ourselves, others or God—or a combination of these.

The best way I know to turn about face from complaint, worry and unhappiness is to be grateful, and this is best done (i.e. underpinned) by being “adult” about our world and having a mature attitude towards all things.

Being adult regarding our relationships is about being reasonable, responsible, rational, reliable, realistic and logical as much as possible. This is mostly regarding our expectations, interactions and responses to all the people in our midst, particularly family, co-workers, neighbours and friends—those people who’re in our lives for the season or for good—and our circumstances.

I know quite intimately, as you may do too, the negative power of anger, be it poised in unhappiness or out-of-control in violent rage. Anger affects us all. The best way to control anger and augment happiness is to get onto the front foot and work hard and tirelessly to become more adult in our expectations of ourselves and others and our responses to life in general.

This is both a vital and well-rewarded commitment we make when we resolve, one-day-at-a-time, to be more adult in our worldview. Peace and happiness can soon and eventually be ours.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

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[1] Craig C. Broyles, Psalms – New International Biblical Commentary (Peabody, Massachusetts: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1999), p. 179.

Fear Begets Fear

Two business partners have the typical acrimonious ‘Laurel and Hardy’ relationship. From a fly-on-the-wall perspective it’s comical, but not for either of these. They’re the consummate co-dependent couple. What hope do they have?

The stereotypical nagger occasionally loses their cool, going beyond anger into the bitterness of disgust. They cannot entertain feelings of love for those they’re in partnership with, because it’s hell-bent fear that drives the bus of the heart.

Worst of all, perhaps, is one purveying fear also draws it out of the other as the topsy-turvy comic-strip tragedy show goes on. One the harder, the other soft; both are hopeless to their situations.

Feelings for the disgusted nagger vacillate back from disgust to a fleeting self-directed anger because in a moment of self-reflection they see themselves partly at fault; but only for that brief moment. Just long enough to be further embittered, and to reject this in fervent denial, and then to reflect back onto the partner the caustic fury of Take Two.

The bitter partner is incensed—‘If only they didn’t incite me!’—their anger beyond reconciliation, for that moment and those soon after. All they can see is their anger and torment, and the vacillation in and out of disgust envelopes a deathly hellish sinkhole syndrome. They cannot escape, nor would they want to. The fury is self-contagious. Self-justification runs rife. After all, self-justification is better than no justification at all. Self-justification becomes entirely necessary.

Is there a way out? I’m not sure. For the person on the receiving end, they are on a character building journey if they’ll only see the opportunity. Either that or get out.

Fear begets fear as love begets love. We all know this, but it’s a real pity to see a caustic person induce pitiful submission in another person, who by and large, simply wants to live a quiet, balanced life.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Enlarging Our Viewpoints

“A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.”

–Ken Keyes, Jr.

My experience polarises me. It makes me project that which is my reality.

We propagate what we think about most. And we insist upon it—whether overtly or covertly, consciously or subconsciously. We cannot help it. Our biases are part of a default mindset. This is because we’re very ‘into ourselves.’

When we do this we inevitably meet resistance. ‘The gall of some people,’ we’ll say. Yet, they’re just responding to the way we present, the “us” that we often don’t see. We must become adept at noticing our ways of interacting with the world about us and see our part in relational disturbances, and not only that, see into others’ worlds as part of the wash up. This is so we can see their view and also to understand the “construction” of their perception of us in our repartee. The deeper we think about these things, the more insight we’ll develop. Some think it too much hassle, but really, our investment here pays off handsomely all way around.

How can we possibly see into others’ worlds?

There is an appropriate way—one that doesn’t involve us projecting ourselves (and imposing ourselves) onto the other party. Imagine us seeing through their eyes; hearing through their ears; feeling through their heart.

It has to be the way forward in our relating with the world—in one single step we ameliorate both our negative relational impact and enhance life for us and them.

When we consider how very linear relational outcomes generally are we quickly realise we are empowered to cause positive outcomes. When we present a ‘mirror image’ that is favourable and genteel we create this very quickly in others and relationships become easier.

Then the key trick is simply to maintain this onto trust—the final relational frontier.

© S. J. Wickham, 2009.

Parental Determinism: a Very Faulty Theory

MANY parents are tempted to believe that everything they do has a more-or-less direct impact on how their children turn out. Ironically, those most subscribing to this view in practical terms find their kids often grow to confound their belief. This frequently leaves parents feeling desperate, confused and spiritually vanquished. It’s time we faced the truth.

We are not in as much control as we think we are.

It is a behaviourist theorem that describes this phenomenon of direct cause and effect, and it’s also a determinant whereby Christian parents are led to believe that if they train their child up early and consistently in the way they should go they’ll not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). Do one thing to produce another? Danger ahead!

How many do their level-best and yet still “fail?” And worst of all, this thinking only sets us up to compare ourselves with parents of kids who’ve ‘landed on their feet.’

Deterministic thinking, certainly in the context of parenting, is very dangerous. It sets us up for a rather large fall and places the growing or adult child under enormous external pressure to conform, otherwise there’s a huge blight placed all over the family. Shame reigns!

We ought to take the chances while we have them to reject post-haste deterministic thinking and all that reinforces this faulty theory, for we don’t have anywhere near the control over our children as we’d like to think we have. This is not a head-in-the-sand approach. It’s just being realistic.

The deterministic parent, particularly one in a position of leadership and influence, can only utter dogmatic heresy when we consider that most of the population already consider themselves as failures on the parenting front when placed against the lofty ideals that some purport. More than ever today we’re faced with many, many variables that don’t bear comprehension. We live in a ‘world of Babel’ more than ever.

Parenting has got to be more about “process” and faithfulness than comparisons with others that are sure to ruin. This shaped parenting believes in doing the best now while we have that chance. And that’s all. It keeps things simple and never assumes anything from what we see in our own children, and particularly what we see in other children (and their parents).

It’s high time we got over the rhetoric and cause-and-effect judgmental thinking and just got on with the task ahead of us. It’s hard enough without making it forlorn.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

This article was inspired by a brilliant piece from Leslie Leyland, The Myth of the Perfect Parent. Retrieved 13 January 2010. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/12.22.html?start=1

Love and Self-Discipline

Two parallel realities.

M. Scott Peck says,

“Love and discipline go hand in hand, so that unloving, uncaring parents are people lacking in discipline, and when they fail to provide their children with a sense of being loved, they also fail to provide them with the capacity for self-discipline.”[1]

Self-discipline then is a reliable predictor for our capacity to love both ourselves and others.

This explains for us why we know a good parent from a bad one almost instinctually. The same principle holds for all in positions of leadership.

We all have a capacity for caring, rooted in a ruggedly solid, and dependable, self-discipline.

We hence personally then ought to always seek for coherent levels of self-control, prudence in action and inaction, insight and discretion. A ‘duty to care’ sits behind all of good life.

Self-discipline, further, is the practical secret behind the golden, victorious life, at all levels of rapport.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

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[1] M. Scott Peck, Wisdom from the Road Less Traveled (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2001), p. 76-77.

Child’s Heart and Destiny

In the heart of a child grows stories and storms; triumphant and daunting, most especially vivid.

He finds the world a strangely scary place, full of super-sized surprises.

The journey is made even scarier by those he travels with; parents, teachers, other children, relatives, adult “friends,” and seemingly little things turn his world completely upside down. His trust is not easily shattered, yet it’s being chronically tested and his trust has a life all too short. Trust is all he has.

As he greets each day from his emergent bubble of hesitant knowledge he begins to expect absurdity at the vastest realms of experience—sprinklings of keen pleasure and long lashings of unexpectant pain.

His future state is receiving programs now, in real time. The body of potential fragmented, interspersed, robbed—inevitably.

He stops believing. Believing is too painful. He fears letting go. His trust is cursed.

The sphincters of his mind and heart are sensitive and shaped precisely to his fear and according to the unique program custom-loaded, for him and only him. He is special, you see!

We should know him. He is “we.”

Too many adults grow up disconnected from the little boy or girl buried deep within, forever repressed. It’s a harsh rejection that confounds dreams, angering the person.

Think of the actual little boys and girls in your life. Do they trust? Or is their trust being harmed by the relationships in their life? It’s not too late. It never is. But recovery is far worse a scenario than preventing the damage in the first place.

Little boys and girls everywhere, in every sphere, at every age and stage; wake up to the inner child in yourself. Get to know him or her. Embrace his or her identity. You are all they have. They will teach you to trust once again if you will only learn to listen. And now you have control over their confidence and safety, you can allow them to bring you joy!

We are all children at heart. When we finally learn to see children through the eyes of our heavenly Father we will then begin to assert the virtue of the saints into their lives.

We will not be able to help it.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.