Photo by Laith Abuabdu on Unsplash
Dr John Gottman’s book What Am I
Feeling is a little masterpiece. It helps parents map their parenting style to
move from dismissive, disapproving, and laissez-faire styles to the emotional
coaching style.
But as we read the following
opportunities regarding emotional coaching, there are broader opportunities
extending to all our relationships:
1.
Be aware of presenting emotions. In your child, in the child (if they’re not
your own), in you, and in other adults. We are all emotional beings. There is a
child in each one of us. Just because we grow up doesn’t mean we suddenly gain
a grasp over all our emotions. Emotional responses are nothing to be ashamed
of; but they pique the awareness. Awareness is central to learning. Accepting
our emotions is important. Learning to moderate our emotions is about listening
to ourselves, becoming aware of our triggers, and planning wise responses for when
we’re most vulnerable. Imagine how much more help a child needs in becoming
aware of emotional triggers; all the more reason for the patience of grace.
2.
Emotions are an opportunity to connect. Connection makes the living world go around. What
we most need when we’re vulnerable enough to become emotional is connection — for
people to move toward us, or for us to have the courage and humility to know
what we need, which is to move toward others. We least want to do that,
however. The challenge is to overcome pride. Our moments of vulnerability can
be resolved and healed when we embrace
our vulnerability. This can take enormous emotional intelligence. Imagine how
much more a challenge this can be for a child.
3.
Listen with empathy. It takes energy to be interested. If others are
emotional, how much better is it for them if we’re interested enough to help.
Empathy is shown in listening, in sparing judgment, in resisting quips of
advice, in simply showing understanding. ‘That must be horrible… I remember
feeling like that once… mmm… it is understandable that you’re feeling this way…
but I understand you not wanting to feel this way…’ These may be the only
things you say in an hour’s session listening to someone bare their soul. We
may find that children can help themselves if they are simply listened to.
4.
Help in naming emotions. When we label the emotion, we distance
ourselves from the feeling being about us. The truth is we all feel all
emotions — they are not us. Nobody is ‘angry’ or ‘sad’ as if that is all they
are. But we sometimes feel angry and sad. Children need permission to feel
negative emotions like the rest of us do. We all need to know that the emotion
doesn’t characterise us.
5.
Set limits and find good solutions. Once people are heard they usually don’t have
a problem adhering to limits. They also don’t mind looking at ways to solve
their problems. Even children in the main are happy to look beyond the problem
once they have been truly heard.
Everyone needs permission to feel,
and no one can truly be alive without feeling. Indeed, our worst problems
surface when we refuse to feel.
**Dr Gottman’s book can be ordered here.
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