Where On Earth Have I Gone?

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash

WAKING UP is always a horrid experience when you’re depressed. A sense of lostness from the get go. The identity has gone absent without approved leave. It’s gone without explanation.

The cause of the depression has its roots in relationships gone awry or a lack of purpose or a combination of the two. But the effect of the depression bears no relationship to the cause — helplessness gives us over to a dissociative pathway. We have lost part of ourselves — a vital part that we cannot do without.

Depression hits at the very heart of identity.

It strikes us at our vulnerability and targets our weakest place. The soul is bare and defenceless with identity askew.

The effect is a loss of hope and the incoming future that we call the present carries to us the mood of lament for simply being alive. Happiness seems a distant memory, too far away from our immediate future. We can tell depression has taken its grip on us when day after day we feel the same way — for weeks — and we cannot seem to shake it. We are at a loss to know what to do. All options seem a stretch too far.

Yet, depression can be masked by grief. It is grief that we feel?

Banking on the identity we have in our faith
is our way of coping in the moment.

Going to the Word of God, to the psalms, Paul’s writings, particularly 2 Corinthians, we have a way of identifying with the human experience of life when life is tough.

We find afresh, we are not alone. Many have been here where we are at before us. And if we are watchful our forebears will show us a way out. They will show us a way to stronger identity.

We are forgiven for asking “Where on earth have I gone… I long for me to return.”

Connecting with another human being about our depression is vital. Support gets us through the day. Speaking with someone who will listen to us often makes today’s difference. But resist people who think they know what’s best for you if you can help it.

Being told to pick yourself up is unhelpful
and can only make depression worse.

Having become lost to ourselves in depression there is hope we will find more of our true selves in the process of recovery.

Questions of identity expose, but they also offer an opportunity to create something new. On a good day, ponder the possibilities. Don’t think of the work ahead. Simply enjoy the possibilities.

You will find yourself again. Hope for an even better “me” prevails when we ponder possibilities.

People can say “I wish the old you would return” all they like, not realising it’s us who misses ourselves most.

You can’t pick your depression, the circumstance that triggers it, nor can you pick how long it will last, but you can pick how you’ll respond. Respond by learning, rest, and through counsel.