From meeting to intimacy in 15 minutes

Photo by Dario Valenzuela on Unsplash

There are all sorts of drivers within each of us that motivate us. In getting to know someone, we are essentially saying what motivates you is important to me. In getting to know someone, we come to them with a presumed acceptance of whoever we will encounter. We don’t know who we will encounter, but we have faith that we will adapt to whoever they are, and we trust that the interaction will be a positive one for them.

So, our premise in meeting a person for the first time, in knowing nothing about them, but having faith that 15 minutes with them will give us some stable platform with which to continue the relationship, is to communicate acceptance.

Firstly, we want to learn enough about them to be able to explore more in subsequent meetings. Secondly, we want them to feel that we do actually care, and that is the wonderful thing about care. We cannot fake it. If we are genuinely interested, and we behave in a way that demonstrates such interest, the unknown person before us usually invites us into a better knowledge of themselves. That is always an honour and a privilege — to be trusted enough to be invited into knowing them deeper.

Why is this? Why do people invite us into themselves?

For the simple reason that it is so rare to be listened to these days. People always want to do the talking. Almost nobody listens. The truth is, we as people crave to be understood, we love to be listened to, and the thought that somebody would be genuinely curious enough to spend time with us, simply listening to us, is the unspoken prayer of our hearts. It’s not rocket science. But it is deeply effective and renewing.

The encounter begins with the meet and greet, where we get to know each other’s names, and special attention needs to be given to memorising their name. I so often forget the person’s name, and even though I never do it deliberately, in asking them their name again, I get the opportunity to communicate how important knowing their name is to me, and I get to model an important behaviour for our relationship; that of apology.

Nothing builds relational credibility better than sincere apology.

There is no set way of engaging them in discussion. We can start with family or with the work they do, or something they’re passionate about. It is as simple as saying within ourselves, ‘I do not know enough about this person.’ Our attitude toward them is ‘tell me more.’

All the time we are talking with someone we don’t know, they are subconsciously checking whether we are truly interested or not. We demonstrate that we are interested in proving that we are listening, in proving that we understand the actual thing that they said, and that we can ask clarifying and even specifying questions, which prove we are authentically curious about the specific thing they are sharing with us. This is how intimacy is formed in relationships. At this point we can see that intimacy can be described as into-ME-see. As they share with us they are saying to us into-ME-see? They are saying come on in, if you’re willing, and see me for who I am, because I trust you will accept and respect the real me.

Perhaps a point in the conversation comes when you misread them or misunderstand them, and perhaps the fear of them rejecting us becomes real. Oftentimes I find this is an opportunity. When we show resilience, and apologise, yet we hang in within the conversation, we invite them to school us in what we don’t know.

I almost pray that there are times of misunderstanding in our first 15 minutes together, so I can prove to you that I’m fiercely redemptive for our relationship.

What this means is I’m prepared to be wrong for the betterment of the relationship.

It also means that if we have conflict I can bear the discomfort of partial disconnection. This builds trust, and you begin to see me as a safe person. What I am communicating is that if there is partial disconnection I will seek to restore the relationship. Everybody wants this. Anybody who allows anybody else into their world wants to know that they are worth fighting for; that the relationship is important enough to endure the pain of conflict and work through the discomfort toward a bigger vision of restoration.

It is imperative to mention the obvious: that I must prove to actually be a safe person, because I acknowledge that this information can be weaponised by people who seek to manipulate people in relationships.