3 things the narcissist is saying right to your face without words

Narcissism is absolutely everywhere these days, and the probability that you’re working for one, have one or more in your family, or are in some kind of other relationship with one (or more) is high.  This is especially poignant to power figures in your life.

These are three things a narcissist is saying to you, right to your face, without actually saying the words:

1.              “YOU NEED ME!”

“... but I don’t need you,” (which is a complete lie) is also what they’re saying.  In the early going, the narcissist is sticky.  He feels good to be around.  There’s nothing quite like him.  He’s a walking, talking enigma, and there’s something quite captivating about that.  That, or he’s elusive and never able to be genuinely vulnerable — though watch him, because he’s smart enough to have learned how to weaponise vulnerability; i.e. the most dangerous types have learned to feign things like vulnerability and empathy.

He’s looking to you to validate him by your exercising behaviours that you need him.  The dialogical thing is he’s active in carrying out the persona that he needs nobody.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  He desperately needs his supply.

He demands loyalty but he does not have the capacity or the will to be loyal in return.  Faithfulness is his demand of you; betrayal is what you can expect in return.

The bizarre lie in this thing that the narcissist says is, he needs you — or his supply — like he needs oxygen.  He is literally nothing without owning people.  Which leads to the second thing he’s saying right to your face but without words.

2.             “I OWN YOU!”

 

In a relationship with a narcissist, you exist for their pleasure.  They own you.  They pull the strings and you react.  This is the way it works.  When you see this, you cannot unsee it.  When you know it, you cannot unknow it.

In every interaction and in every conversation, the narcissist must have the upper hand.  They cannot cope with being schooled — not that you would ever school them, it’s just that whenever you have the upper hand (which you don’t want like they do) they FEEL schooled.  They FEEL humiliated.  The only way they can manage an interpersonal relationship is if they’re better than you; but remember they need you there to bolster their incredibly weak self-esteem; the shallow, wafer-thin-veneer, crumbling-at-the-edges self-image.

In their constant competing with you, they will be saying, “I own you (again),” and it’ll be up to you to overcome your frustration — which is what you do, because you can’t just break it off with them and leave, right?  That’s what he wants you to think.

3.             “I WILL GET AWAY WITH IT!”

There’s nothing that quite speaks of audacity than doing a series of abuses not only without compunction but knowing that they’ll get away with it.

This is the very essence of gaslighting.  See how the narcissist is not just pulling the wool over the eyes of another person they need to convince; they’ll pull the wool over the eyes of all and sundry by their deliberate ‘nothing to see here’ approach.   

They will even tell you to your face that you’re the crazy one, all the while saying they’ve got NOTHING to apologise for; it either didn’t happen or they were entitled to treat you as they did (the latter they will NEVER admit).

There’s nothing more disheartening than resisting a narcissist only to find he flips it back on you, every time with that schadenfreude smile that says, “See, I got you at every turn.”  Then, you find the narcissist comes into their own; after you’ve resisted.  “Expect it when you least expect it,” ought to be their catchcry — you must be taught a lesson and be put back in your place.  There vengeance is swift and compelling.  You don’t know what hit you.  It is deeply and personally punitive.  Trauma in one word.

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Why do I right these ‘mean’ articles?

It’s to get the message out there that the only good thing to do when you’re in some kind of relationship with a narcissist is to be proactive and leave the relationship if you can.  Get out of the toxic arrangement if you can.

If you can’t leave, you will need strategies to cope, otherwise toxic people kill the life in the people around them.

NOTE: I have used the ‘he/him’ here because, whilst it’s not all males (there are plenty of female narcissists), there are by far and away many more males who bear this feature problematically in relationships.

Photo by Daniel Mirlea on Unsplash