What is ‘Assumptive Abuse’ and why it’s on the rise?

In a fast, busy-paced life there are all sorts of situations where this abuse arises.  Essentially, people who regularly engage in dumping things on others engage in this abuse.

These situations range from bosses routinely allocating work without proper communication and consultation with an employee to partners who regularly assume and expect something of their partner without doing them the courtesy of communicating adequately.

I tend to think abuse is brought about by people who feel entitled to exploit others, which is based in a sheer lack of empathy.  Those who unapologetically venture forward on their abusing ways are narcissists.  Their paucity of empathy has them feeling entitled to exploit people as they wish.

The specific exploitation in this present case is a lack of communication.

This is because communication infers negotiation and agreement.

The entitlement is, “I don’t need to ask or consult or even let this person know...”

The lack of empathy is failing to care how the person on the receiving end of their decision will feel.  It’s the attitude that says, “I’m making this decision and I don’t care what they think or how they feel.”

The abuse is a decision made that affects another person in a major way which catches them by surprise because there was a lack of respect shown to ask, consult with or communicate with them.

This very often happens in workplaces.  “Didn’t you get the email?  You were told of this!  I can’t believe you didn’t see it.”  As if everyone reads email that well.  It assumes that email was how their agreement was sought.  It assumes work can be allocated without some face-to-face discussion, a personal phone call, or simply asking a person whether they can do the task.

When we don’t do the person the service of asking, we don’t learn what else they’ve got on, any queries or concerns they have, and we refuse to be relational, and that’s toxic for working relationships.

But this abuse happens just as much in homes.  “I expected you to pick him up,” is not a good thing to say, because it’s an assumption.  People cannot have expectations based on assumptions.  Expectations on others only operate when they’re shared; they demand communication where agreement is reached.

If one partner regularly holds the other to account on assumptions they made, they have weaponised their lack of communication, and it is dangerous because who knows what assumptions they’ll make!  How much worse is this when the assumption has a heavy punishment attached to it?

Assumptive abuse will often work hand in glove with gaslighting narcissists.  They can even make up demands on the spot and then tell their victim partner that, “You can’t even remember, can you?”

But it’s probably just as bad when someone assumes you’ll do something when they’ve never checked, and this is especially the case where it’s a lot of work or you’re being set up to fail.

The only thing we can do is keep reminding people who make assumptions not to make them and to establish boundaries where decisions are written down or agreed more formally beforehand.

Assumptive abuse is definitely on the rise.  In some ways it occurs because of the pressures on people in this chaotic life, but in other ways it also stems from people refusing to proactively communicate, and they simply try it on to see if others will simply go on with it.

Behaviours where people do push the boundaries to exploit people are a concern, especially around tasks and time.  If people you deal with or are in partnership regularly do this, it’s a red flag.

Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash