Textiety and Other Social Networking Disorders

A new disorder has been sweeping the planet for years, and now it has a name. The person who frets for lack of ‘text traffic’ is loaded with old fashioned anxiety, but now of the texting kind.

This is particularly a problem for young people who haven’t known a world without texting, MySpace and Facebook etc.

I used to suffer from this, truth be told. When my wife and I courted I got a bit used to the sort of lovely text messages she’d send. When things cooled into a groove after the initial romantic onslaught wore off I was left for whole days at times without her text messages. I laugh now, but these times were honestly pretty harrowing.

So, I know where people are coming from who are forever checking their phones and emails for traffic.

Why the Cold Shoulder?

It’s the same with Facebook and other social networking devices. We can get very used to the high contact we receive and then when the inevitable low traffic times occur we wonder why no one wants to ‘talk’ to us, not considering that it’s just a quiet time and the world’s not truly trying to give us the cold shoulder!

There are still some people who don’t yet have Facebook accounts—or the penchant to frequent it daily or many times daily—or rarely send texts; for some of these they’d be wondering what all the fuss is about.

But it’s a real problem for many people.

The Reality Check

At the logical level we know that we need to address some of these dysfunctional characteristics—there’s a deeper need within us to connect with people and simply be affirmed.

Many times face-to-face contact with people—body fellowship—is the instant ‘fix’ for these types of ‘disorders,’ and the people who have the confidence to meet and visit people when they feel lonely have the answer. But, not everyone has this degree of confidence or the network of friends to support them.

The reality check we need is whenever we over-balance on our use of texting or Facebook etc, and become dependent upon (or even addicted to) it, we’re wise to respond and put up some safe boundaries around our use of them so we lessen the grip technology has on us. (The truth is, these dependencies and addictions that sit behind such anxieties are insidious—like all addictions, they tend to get worse and worse if they’re not dealt with.)

Addressing the issues requires planning, of course, and wisdom to know how to supplement our friendship contact needs and introduce balance to our lives again. Courage is also needed, no doubt, in taking the initial plunge.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

‘Waters,’ Sex and Singleness

“Drink from your own rain barrel, draw water from your own spring-fed well.”

~Proverbs 5:15 (Msg).

Sex, and its portents, within the realm of couples is complicated enough—then we simply extend the difficulty to the context of Christian singles. Where do they fit in the territory of sexual relations? We could almost be forgiven for thinking they’re not sexual beings; though it would make us highly ignorant of an important fact.

Sexual Beings – All of Us

The fact is singles are sexual beings—no less than the married person. We are all sexual beings. And if not via our propensity for wanting to engage sexually (men?) it is generally more about the companionship and intimacy any well-adjusted human being clamours for; this generally always leads eventually to sex—sex is the ultimate objective.

The passage in Proverbs 5:15-18 introduces many images for us related to water and the need to contain it as an allusion for protecting our sexuality and the health of our relationships; maritally we must strive to not give into the simplest of temptations; for singles, we must strive to retain our waters, which are held on consignment, for the lover of our future—fully believing that God might have plans of love manifest for our future.

It is necessary that we believe.

The Inordinately Strong Tension – Requiring Patience, Courage and Wisdom

This brings out some marvellous, though occasionally hopeless, tensions for the single person hoping to obey God and invest for their future life partner—a designation which is the very essence of faith; to hope positively for—believing in—something we cannot yet see.

The temptations for the single person so far as sex is concerned are alarmingly familiar.

For the male, sexuality is likely to be a very key facet of his identity. He will need to work through a process to get to a place of comfortable understanding with God—this is hard but necessary work. For the female, she more often than not desires a man for less sexual reasons, but sexuality is always part of the equation in dating and courting circles. No matter how pious we are, the temptations—whether directly or indirectly motivated—can be rich and lucid.

Sexual Purity

It is all too easy to say singles should remain pure. Many do but also many do not. The ones who do not are not condemned by God. God has constructed the words of passages like Proverbs 5 in broaching wisdom; the better way of living.

None of us, we know, chooses to live wisely all the time; we know we should but at times we don’t. It’s just the way life is.

For a single person hoping to save their virginity (plus, plus i.e. not only sexual intercourse) for their future life partner, there will need to be boundaries designed and constructed to protect such a venture. Boundaries and prayer are necessary—prayer for an understanding, respecting and otherwise likeminded mate.

Having said this, the concept of ‘second virginity’ for singles who have trodden the path of sexual experience—and, again, many of us do/have—is a vibrant and spiritually-true concept. There is no condemnation, now, for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

In Summary

The passage of Proverbs 5:15f is primarily set in teaching a young man how to conduct himself as a sexual being, in the context of future marriage and other sexual liaisons—beforehand or during. And this is easily applicable for the young women, older, mature people etc. i.e. it’s applicable to all of us.

For the single person the simplest analogy is in containing or saving their sexual waters for their partner of the future, holding same ‘in trust’ (like an investment at a bank) with God.

This, as mentioned, is as translucent a test of biblical faith as anyone would be able to find. For this, the single person could positively focus on the fact that God cares so much for their Christian growth he’s placed a faith-held hope in their heart—one for which requires much patience, courage and wisdom; though it is achievable.

Being single, in this context, is never easy. But the rewards (eventually) will be worth it.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Blessings Inherent in Unrecognised Gifts

Try this one for size. In traffic, you have a vehicle rear-end you, and whilst it comes as quite a jolt, upon closer inspection there’s very little damage—in fact, it’s hardly noticeable; just a few scratches or perhaps a miniscule crease in the bumper. It is then up to you. You have the particulars of the person who hit you and you think over the remainder of the day what to do.

You decide—in your mercy for the other person, who was quite stressed by it all—that you’re going to let it go. You decide you’re not going to proceed to their reparation; you’ll either leave the damage ‘as is’ or you’ll fund the repairs yourself.

A Priceless Kindness

The best thing in this, you learn as you go, is the blessing involved in letting the other person off and not receiving even their thanks. It’s like your restaurant bill that someone ‘conveniently’ paid for you, which you find out about upon finishing your meal—once they’ve long gone.

This sort of kindness is priceless.

But, more, it’s to the recouping of blessing that’s unheard of in typical earth circles.

The gifts we bestow that feature absolutely no chance of recognition are the best kind.

Benefits in Abundance

For the person in receipt, they can hardly keep this good fortune to themselves. They pay it forward: by mouth; by deed; by spiritual inertia. For the purveyor of the blessing, their life’s cool right now. God’s breathing his approval all over them. God fills the person’s mind and heart with such a good vibe they simply bask in the humble joy of being, for that time at least, ‘a good person’.

Gift-giving is a treasured art truly enshrined in the creative and innovative, forever outdoing itself.

It’s driven by a heart to bless people and to improve situations wherever they present needily to the discerning eye of the purveyor. The heart that does this—with routine—is always more encapsulated with a joy that transcends this world.

This heart is brimming to overflowing with the Presence of the Holy Spirit.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Art Above All Arts

“The more I think it over, the more I think that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.”

~Vincent van Gogh.

It could hardly be more poignant—though for an acclaimed genius of an artist to say such a thing; to feel it no less... confirms it, again, to our hearts: love is what life is truly about. And now it is truly art.

Love as artistry is passion. It’s the enveloping of the senses via the context of people—and the quantification of that art is in simply relating and succeeding in that venture: loving people.

What seems on the surface as something so simple is inordinately complex given the shape of our hearts—capable of so much, yet often delivering so little. Not that we’re down on ourselves; instead, we marvel at the potential and we strive for it.

Love is our goal. To become skilful at it!

As we fail in our endeavours of love, we learn. Much like the mistimed and poorly placed brush stroke or the misinformed adding or subtraction of colour, we remain open to the art form of love. So we took the wrong turn—so what. We wallow or marvel—we still haven’t mastered it. Yet, the next brush stroke and application of a colour beckons, even now; it beholds and subsumes us.

Love Never Fails

Unlike our overtures at love, which do flop from time to time, the trait of love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8a).

We remember this and we’re infused with hope, for we’re backed by the right endeavour, just the application was misapprehended. Being in the right game is half the battle won already.

Where we’ve betrayed love, love even contains us in it, allowing us the way back; smiling and encouraging, accepting us—love, like this, is perfect grace.

When love lasts longer than our impatience, our fear or our unbelief, love stands tall and it braces for whatever could come against it. It remains. Love always does.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Getting Over the ‘Hump’

If you allow me to get to know you, I will inevitably hurt you. Sorry, but it’s a fact of life. God knows, and so will you, that I’m far from perfect.

Given this fact—if I know you—what are we (or more aptly, you) going to do about it?

Here’s the Rub

We’re all in the same position. We are all bound to hurt the people we know—and this on some pretty micro levels. I mean, anytime we disagree with each other there’s the potential for hurt. When we give way to the temptation to act on the hurt, we’re compromising the rapport as quickly as we’re looking at the other person.

Getting over the hurt involves forgiving the transgression—the way we felt at heart. It’s not truly the other person’s deal at all, beyond them being as considerate and respectful as any of us generally should be (which is an impossible thing to reliably quantify).

Only when we’ve forgiven the person—which is an acceptance of them, best ventured in the moment—can we get over this speed hump that is slowing down our rapport, before we can continue on to a higher plane of the relationship’s potential value to the both of us.

Relationships Get Stronger with ‘Met’ Conflict

This is a wonderful truth for all of us to embrace with a relatively constrained boldness.

When two mature people meet head on over their conflict—both with divergent views—and a mutual respect fills the void, a breathtakingly healthy tension is allowed to develop. This works for both, creating, eventually, an even stronger bond between them than before. Trust is fortified as future events of conflict are to be more assured due this tumultuous ground that’s already been covered; well handled.

Confidence in relationships like this is the defining moment of genuine friendship, marriage or any relationship with longevity in its sights. It involves not only the integrity of authenticity; it bridges gaps also in intimacy.

Looking Forward to the Hump

We’re meeting new people all the time. This is great, until we ‘meet’ difference. Suddenly we’re left feeling isolated and bemused by the other person.

It would be better for us to consider the potential for conflict every day and simply enjoy the difference in other people—getting less serious, troubled and potentially hurt about it. This, of course, isn’t easy. But it’s a start.

Also, it is wise for us to consider the conflicts that will happen and plan our graceful responses now so they’ll be more intuitive and hence more genuine, from the heart.

The moment we extend grace to another person—a person, mind you, who knows we’re in conflict with them—is the moment the light bulb of trusting love goes on for them toward us.

Not only that, but our relationship is now afforded an even better emotional and spiritual connection; the result is a better relationship, ultimately, with God.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Compromises of Intimacy

A while back I was in contact with a young man who was dealing with the hurt that his wife had withdrawn from him—and was no longer able to love him in a way that—for him—was important.

This new juncture had caused for him a disconnection to the intimacy he’d long cherished. And this had now punctuated an inevitable roll-on effect onto the relationship itself. He felt powerless to the hurt. It started affecting how he was loving her back.

Without going into the detail of the impasse, it is necessary to say that all spousal relationships go through almost continual challenges to intimacy.

So, what can we do about them?

Staying on Top in the Intimacy Stakes

I’ve gone into bat for intimacy before—it’s the pinnacle of love arrangements, for all romantic relationships that last past the first year settle inevitably (it’s hoped) into a beautiful groove of intimacy; each partner feeling close to the other as they extend their selfless actions of love day by day.

Intimacy can hereby be seen as the halcyon of spousal relationships; the golden trigger to contentment and longevity-of-commitment in mature individuals that comprise the couple.

INTO – ME – SEE

Intimacy can be thought of as ‘into-me-see,’ as we share of ourselves without slate or barrier, wearing our hearts more and more on our sleeves, trust exuded evermore. Perfect intimacy has no compromise. It allows the other person ‘in’ and an unconditional exchange of care is a great feature of coherent and functional intimacy at the high point of the relationship.

This has to be the goal of spousal relationships—to achieve and sustain it.

... And for the Guy Profiled; What About Him?

The young guy above had a real problem. He’d discussed the issue of importance with his partner, yet she felt she could no longer love him in ‘those’ ways.

And yet, merely the fact that they’d spoken about it was a big thing; that very fact needed to be chalked up as a win!—for them to realise they’d both acted with admirable maturity.

Talking about issues in calm and mature ways is growing intimacy—it is meeting any compromise to it, and ever so certainly reclaiming intimacy back.

From my view of things, he’d done everything he could to raise his concerns with her. She had been honest with him, and assertive. She didn’t want to do things that weren’t ‘her’ anymore—perhaps they’d never been ‘her’. This was good. Anyone we love who feels compelled to give love to us in ways that don’t feel right or comfortable for them is compromising their own self-intimacy (a.k.a. identity) and this can only eventually have a bad effect on the relationship.

In effect, we’re encouraging falsity in our partner this way and their identity is even under threat if they chronically live denying themselves this way. This is clearly not loving our partners to the best that they deserve.

When my young friend realised this, he suddenly understood, the penny dropped, and he made the brave choice to forego his ‘need’ and to respect his partner’s courage to assert herself—and be honest for the benefit of the relationship. She was to be admired by him.

And when she saw this turn-around in him she was surprised and impressed at his love and understanding—it was an intimacy watershed moment for both of them individually and collectively.

Intimacy and Surrender

To maintain intimacy in the spousal arrangement requires surrender.

The more we surrender to assertive and (occasionally) selfish overtures in our mature relationships, and unconditionally so, the better the chances we have of retaining and growing our intimacy.

Compromises to intimacy are entirely avoidable provided we’re aware of them, as they encroach upon our feeling and thinking, and we’re humble enough to listen to a God-infused sense of reason pointing us to ‘the way home’ in our responses of attitude.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Marriages of Proportion and Disproportion

An image of shallow and contemptible manliness:

“Use the mirror—careful, it might break,” a man said sarcastically to his wife in the department store as she considered trying on a garment.

An equally powerful image of manliness:

He walks toward me. It’s a cool winter’s morning. He wears a scarf and it strikes me as femininely tied but the waft of his aftershave and the looks on the faces of both his daughters—at each side of, and hand in hand with, Dad—as he goes by, speaks volumes for what is happening. I look back to complete the image; wonderful.

It’s quintessential family. What’s more, it’s the essence of true manhood... at least one image of it.

These are glimpses, merely snapshots for the mind’s eye to feast upon, both saying in their own way that men of marriage can be both despicable and admirable.

Women naturally swoon at the very thought of the winsomely sound latter man, yet my focus now is on the former; a pressure point for each married man and woman as he or she reads on.

Disproportionate ‘Arrangements’

Marriages where there is an extraneous, never-bridged love-gap speak of a long-held death—both partners living the fact of marriage but the reality is stark, lonely, useless; hopeless. All life was sucked out of it long ago and it limps on pathetically, day after friendless and emotionally-vacant day.

The man in the marriage atop speaks his gutless trash for the laugh of folly from some wimpy stranger who the married man even more laughably elevates above his wife—a person heavens more worthy, due his immediate behaviour, than he is.

This man probably doesn’t know the damage his words cause, though his wife is probably so ‘over’ the sting of them. Furthermore, this man probably doesn’t even care about the hurt he foists not only on her, but her children and grandchildren and other passers-by, who no doubt hear such filth in their familial deliberations.

Do you know this man? Is he truly worthy of this marriage?

Marriages of Proportion

The partner in the marriage of proportion is forever endeavouring to even and over-even the relational ledger. They see the sin in their partner—for we all sin—but they do not deride it or even compensate; they work with the facts, accepting them—and their partner—in the same breath, and unequivocally so. This they do most of the time, and ever increasingly so—call it ‘their focus.’

They move on beyond the daily reproach and elevate their own mood to be a simple and consistent blessing in their partner’s life—most of the time; after all they know all too well none of us are perfect. It’s all they can do—they know this and accept it, no holds barred.

The marriage of proportion is like two lovers hand in hand.

As they walk together on a dating jaunt, negotiating the crowd and other objects, their bodies move apart to cater for unavailable spaces, and yet their hands are committed to each other; the gentle tension of the fingers grasping a little tighter at points, pulling each toward the other.

This arrangement is integrative. It’s always aiming at proportion and equilibrium.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

When Our Fact is No Fact At All

Out of the formation of the mind’s self-talk comes a person’s reason; their fact. No-one may encroach upon this territory. It is the experienced ‘reality’ for that person—their common sense.

And still more often than we’d like it to be, as far as it personally pertains, we’re wrong!

We hate being wrong, of course, but this doesn’t change the fact; whether we acknowledge our wrongness or not, we’re still often enough wrong.

The reason I seem to be repeating myself is we don’t often take the time out to reflect over, or investigate, our wrongfulness. This is not about subjugating our feeble souls with condemnation; on the contrary, it’s truly contending for our freedom that warrants more than that notional second glance.

Truth and Freedom - Personally and Interpersonally

It is only the truth that sets us free (John 8:32). The lies, we know, bond us. Fact is therefore very important. It’s the centrepiece, indeed the centre-of-peace, in the context of our relationships, so long as both parties value it.

Most people cannot contend with us in lies, the thought of supporting our fiction, or another person’s skewed perception of the world. It forever undermines the balance required for kinship. It interrupts any sense of intimacy necessary for good rapport.

Approaching Humility - to Question ‘Our Fact’

To forever be on notice—to ourselves—so far as our version of fact is concerned, is the best corrective to the pride of fictional belief. This, too, is one part of the meaning of the ‘fear of the Lord.’ It’s the self keeping itself at a very short, and healthy, personal account—ostensibly to God himself.

Our relationship with God will always best form and inform our relationships with others for maximum interpersonal power, grace and effect.

When we have a strong desire to conform ourselves to God and to his truth, we cannot help but grow in humility, and this, toward great life outcomes in every area.

Continually questioning our inventory-of-fact, therefore, is a golden precipice of the devoted moral life in harmony with the goodness of God, rolling into all our relationships. This is the higher-order life that sets its heart and mind on the highest ideals that humanity could ever hope to attain; those principally in the realm of the Divine.

It is our task, consequently, to conform—past our pride—to the refinable ‘buried fact’ that is otherwise unknown, until we mine it from all our circumstances, if indeed there was ever an end to this. This addresses our verging ‘common sense’ that’s prone to the frailties of falsehood.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Impossibility of Confidence

This is a very special topic and an attempt to get it right, in words. It’s the subject of elusive confidence; that very isolating thing we feel when we’re in a crowd—amongst others who feel right at home—but we’re ostracised, or at least we feel like a fish out of water.

I far too often write about victorious matters when I should be equally attending to these things. Building people in confidence is something none of us really does enough of; even the boldest encourager.

We see in this, the issue for the person who’s low on confidence; it could be in one or a few areas, leading to a general poor self-esteem, or it could be low confidence on the cataclysmic scale as far as this one ‘stuck’ life is concerned.

My God-Constructed Vision

The vision I saw: at a Primary School disco, there are children dancing and much loud noise from the blaring music, and screeching from the girls all around. Much fun is being had. But, at the deeper level there are the kids that don’t quite ‘fit,’ they don’t fit anywhere (in any reliable, ‘safe’ way) in their peer group. One such girl my heart went out to. She did what all the other girls did; hung in groups and partied; but she always lagged and always responded, never initiating. She could only but hide what her body language was screaming out to say.

I prayed at that moment that one day a supreme turn of confidence—a polarising ray of self-belief—would appear in her cherishable life.

And I know this can happen; I know it firsthand. It happened to me. As a sixteen year old I had shockingly low confidence; it took a few years to break past it.

But, this wouldn’t have happened, in a lasting way, had I not come home to God. I feel certain of this. But, not everyone who suffers from shockingly low confidence will come home to God. This is, I feel, a realistic fact.

Lagging Confidence Only Appears to Be an Impossibility

Confidence is a powerful antecedent for life. Yet, it’s elusive. Even though we’d think of little else, when we’re without it, we just can’t imagine what life would be like with it. What we’d give for confidence!

This lack of confidence shames us and it shoots us off in all manner of directions of denial. Admitting openly that we lack confidence is saying, “I don’t have the courage to do the things I need to do in the way I need to do them.” Not many, paradoxically, have the courage to say such things—to be so honest.

If we missed it, the paralysing paradox is, when we most need courage it’s nowhere to be found!

It therefore becomes a rather vicious cycle. We’re so far from where we want and need to be and we can’t possibly get there; especially where the battle rages within in merely coming to terms with our psychological reality.

And yet... it’s a seeming impossibility only. It’s a trick we mustn’t believe.

The Chastening Need of Courage – to ‘Break Past’

A lack of confidence can be smashed. But to do this with any sort of veracity, we must be able to back our confidence by manner of the very practical performance by which our confidence is thereby to be known.

We train.

We focus.

We master it; whatever ‘it’ is.

These, above, as if our lives depended on them; well, because it does. To commit like this takes volumes of courage; it’s the courage of self-belief in the face of much opposition, psychologically.

We break past the fear and keep going; at each juncture we break past.

Whilst we’re temporarily shot off course, after a time, we get back in and break past again. We make a habit of breaking past the fear, and our courage becomes well-oiled and useful to us again—or perhaps for the very first time.

To those I’ve written to, every confidence to truly live free.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

We Can Do (Only) What We Can Do

We cannot control people—anyone. Even those we’re ‘in charge of’ have their own minds; their own wills.

Some people, in some circumstances, confound our expectations and we cannot help being tempted to scream at times—certainly from within ourselves, no matter how we restrain our external behaviour.

We know the theory. We have to somehow ‘just accept’ others responses, at least at the level of our own emotions. Of course, this is true.

When Practice Meets Theory

It’s a wonderfully freeing thing to not hold a single fig against another person, no matter our various bi-polar positions in life. Likewise, what a boon it can be to be free of tenuous arrangements of pomp and circumstance because of the gaping divides that exist forever between us.

This is at once, mutual acceptance, borne of mutually viable maturity—social maturity. It’s a marvellous thing when it happens.

Practice meets theory when we know we’re opposed and yet we can still happily co-exist, knowing beyond knowledge that somehow our individual reason isn’t all there is.

But the hard question still hasn’t been answered—just how are we to accept ‘everything’ that comes from another person, especially the person seemingly opposed to all of what we’re doing?

An Attempt at Answering a Hard Question

Often change happens over a longer timeframe than we’d like. The less we resist people in our trying to force the pace and ‘colour’ of change the more receptive they’ll be in seeing the reason for it. We cannot convince the slightest gnat; they’ll only convince themselves.

Other people have their own reasonability to contend with—as we do too. It’s a condition we forever should bear in mind. They see what we cannot see. We see what we alone can see and we can’t make them see from our viewpoints, unless they actually want to step into our shoes.

It begs a question: would they want to?

This is an important issue central to influence; creating the tension within people to want to see others’ viewpoints, including our own. Covert tactics, however—if we’re given to them—are prone to abject failure as the other person’s antennae-of-manipulation is piqued to this. We can only influence from a perceived morally-equal ground.

The fundamental premise that gets us over the line is one that works in all circumstances; it’s simply about acceptance. There is no easy or hard way to this outcome as far as we’re personally concerned. How we get there (easily or with difficulty) is simply our path. It just is.

So, we can see that I haven’t really answered the ‘hard question’ at all, other than to point out what is obvious to me upon reflection and application of the subject matter.

We come back to the source, then. We cannot control people, and we’re best off when we can gleefully accept it.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.