Caring for the Carer

In our ageing society, there are more and more people finding themselves in the role of carer. This issue will become most significant as the ensuing years of this Century roll on. As a societal issue, never has it been more important to ensure carers receive proper support.

But this is not just about aged care.

There are so many who care for loved ones in situations where the ‘simple’ process of caring regularly pulls them under to the depths approaching burnout. It’s those who fear drowning that we must reach out to, and if we, personally, are involved in such ways, we need to know how to seek solace and respite.

When Others Are Carers

Caring for relatives with lifelong conditions can be chronically wearing, and there are advantages and disadvantages to the longevity of care; over the years the carer gets most accustomed to the role, but the years can also become spiritually tiring.

If carers are going to do their competent best, and deliver something of quality (implied, love) for which the cared-for are totally dependent, they need to be well-rested, supported and loved themselves. We cannot pull both ends of a piece of string and expect it not to snap.

We can say that carers themselves have responsibility for their self-care, but many times that’s an improbable and incomplete reality. Those of us who stand more distally to the situation—those of us who can—could consider even small advances of help.

Sometimes just knowing people are rooting for us is enough of a leg-up, provided the motivation of the giver is sincere.

When We Are the Carer

Many a parent knows there are parts of the child-rearing job description that were never highlighted before they started.

God is growing us up into the fullest of maturity in our roles as parents and grandparents; as we relinquish the rights over the vast majority of our time, energies and resources. But there does come a limit to how far we’re rightfully stretched.

Knowing and abiding to our limits is a wisdom initiative.

The assertively responsible carer, who’s interested in their personal sustainability, so as to effectively care for the person they’re caring for, will ensure they have their own depth of resources which underwrite their role; of a sense, insuring it.

They know that meeting the quality standards of their role is critical—and always will be.

So they ensure that early warning signs are well heeded, as they take their self-maintenance and rejuvenation processes seriously—making them close to number one priority. What is maintained well will serve both the carer and cared-for, for years.

(But it also has to be said that most people will learn best through trial and failure—for this residual guilt is a wasted emotion. We take it as part of the process of learning.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It takes a special kind of person to fill the shoes of the carer, even though any of us—by life’s circumstances—can be thrust into the role. It is better to see that we’re all carers—either directly, or intangibly via the care we can issue a carer.

Besides, given societal trends, the carer is becoming possibly the most common of all roles.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Had an Important Date Forgotten Lately?

The stereotypical husband is warned on the wedding day as part of a best man’s speech: “Now, the best advice I can give is don’t forget her birthday or your wedding anniversary!” (Laughter ripples through the room.)

What is said in jest becomes very serious in a flash when the unthinkable becomes a reality.

Forgiving such transgressions can be subject to accepting certain facts:

K They didn’t mean to forget. Life is busy and the conscious human mind has no way of separating unimportant data from crucial information, especially in the presence of overload.

K Some people are better with dates than others are. I’ve known families where one brother has been a world champion at recalling dates and another sibling’s been woeful at it. Neither of them is that way by intention.

K What is important to us is either important or not-so-important to the next person. Just because we hold a date high up on the list of importance—attaching to it meaning that mightn’t be valid (at least for them)—doesn’t mean they will. They might see love transacted in such different ways. “Different” isn’t wrong. Their ways of loving are probably just as sincere and meaningful.

K Staying in hurt territory is not doing the relationship any good—for us or them. This is both relevant in the moment, and as the issue becomes history. Will the event of forgetting that date cause any acrimony in the future? We can’t afford to attach resentment to these issues. It comes back to bite us.

Additionally:

K In apologising for the facts, the forgetting partner can make good of their promise to improve. Systems and tools are effective for ensuring the same mistakes are not repeated. Diaries, reminders and prompts are commonplace these days; few things should be forgotten... but then we’re all human (though sometimes that’s an excuse).

Notwithstanding all the above, when important dates are forgotten it does come across as disrespectful to the relationship—a sort of unfaithfulness. We can empathise with those who’ve suffered this sort of discomfiture; both sides.

Forgetfulness these days is not always an indication of a lack of care, though it can be. Quite often people get trapped into such busyness they have little control over their own thoughts, let alone their schedules. Most of us have known such seasons of frenetic life.

But it all comes back to ‘forgetting’ the hurt of forgetfulness regarding our loved ones’ perceived lack of forethought.

Active forgiveness (i.e. forgiveness without delay) is the best way to move forward.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Humble Will Be Exalted

“But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even look up to heaven, but was beating his breast and saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his home justified rather than the [Pharisee]; for all who exalt themselves will be humbled, but all who humble themselves will be exalted.”

~Luke 18:13-14 (NRSV).

God is no respecter of individual persons and even the so-called righteous are open to judgment, as the Lord uses people and situations to sift the heart.

No one is safe in the mood of pride. Even fleeting fancies there are fraught with spiritual and practical danger.

The Results for Those Exalting Themselves

I’m reminded of status ventures in the workplace—and how these can be stripped away from us in seemingly a flash. Take nothing for granted.

We live in a world where comfort only lasts a short time; only to be swept away, as if a mirage that never existed in the first place. These comforts of material blessing and positions of stature—once lost—soon have us regretting we had them to begin with.

Consider Job. He was a rich man in many different ways. Yet, more could be taken from him than he realised. Even though he was not given to exalt himself, he was still cursed, and why ‘good’ people suffer can never be understood this side of eternity.

As a general rule we cannot contend with Job so far as righteousness is concerned. His example is a good one; that anyone can suffer harrowing loss to the level of such cursing. Our ‘righteousness’ is no ultimate guarantee in this broken life. And that’s the trap; to think we’re righteous.

Extending the possibility of cursing that’s ever-present, and knowing that God’s nature is to punish sin, we can naturally expect that taking a high position (see, for instance, Proverbs 25:6-7) will afford the situational wrath of God. It’s not the Lord’s nature to let pride off the hook.

Great News – the Humble Will (Eventually) Be Exalted

In God’s good timing the diligently humble are raised up.

It’s wonderful news to think that not one person is favoured more than another—though in our comparative ways we’ll attribute disparity. This is not partiality to any degree; not over the longer term.

It’s better to expect less—but not pessimistically—whilst we hope, in expectation, for the Lord to speak. God’s always communicating to us and through our circumstances.

When we learn to reject point blank anything of the world over us, and all things due or creating pride, we stand to lose nothing and still gain the whole spiritual life; the blessings of God.

We might know low circumstances now. Be thankful, however, for what is still coming!

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

But You Don’t Even Know Me!

Wrong, inappropriate and betraying perceptions; they come against us all. For some ‘logical’ reasons folks determine their view about us—good, bad or indifferent.

Yet, most of them don’t even know us. They only know themselves, and when they meet us, we reflect back to them who we see without even thinking about it. Of course, they’re doing this with us too.

None of us exists in a vacuum. We’re all becoming people more or less consistent with the prevailing perceptions of those held for or against us. This is why it’s important we’re planted in a healthy seedbed. Abusive and neglectful environments send us toward a thousand self-developed mirages of identity-forging depression.

And all this when they don’t even know us!

People are characteristically too quick to form an opinion of the people they relate with. And once these views are developed evidence accordant with those views is sought with implicit mastery. Incorrect views are vindicated in lies.

Changing people’s views of us is most times fraught with failure, because as people we’re naturally resistant to change.

The Biggest ‘Why’ of God – So Far as Self-Esteem is Concerned

Changing God’s mind is never an issue, on the other hand. The Being that knows us and formed us—knitting together the mind, heart and soul as much as the sinew—needs no convincing otherwise.

To say that the Lord of Glory accepts us would be a cosmic understatement. We’re never judged on innuendo and what ‘he thought she said and what he decided against her’. We’re judged to true bearing—which is a scarier thing. But at least we’re dealt with fairly. Beyond thought and deed we’re found eternally acceptable in God’s sight. And though sin interrupts the dynamic with the Spirit, God sees us beyond the sin, according to our belief in the Jesus of the Ages.

The biggest ‘why’ of God is about understanding that God is our greatest defender, and that life without belief must always be an incomplete and inadequate life. Besides, God knows us.

Planning To Interact In a Pre-judging, Overly Partial World

One thing we have no choice over is the need to interact in an oft-caustic world. There is never the critical mass of ‘lovely people’ we’d wish to deal with. Always there is at least one who’ll upset us.

In every sphere there is the person that Rick Warren referred to as the EGR (Extra Grace Required) person. Yes, we know it, and we can know it again when we respond in kind. Grace often begets grace and the other way around.

We will be pre-judged and people will get us wrong.

We too will get this wrong information about others and there needs to be a fight inside of each of us to resist it and see these individuals the way God sees them. Still, we’ll get it wrong.

Planning to successfully interact in these ways requires us to accept that despite people not knowing us, they’ll think they know us. Knowing this is important—it’s not personal. It’s the way humanity treats itself; each other.

Our job is to be cognisant of it as we relate with people. It means we could be less judgmental. A by-product of this is people might begin to see us as being less judgmental. We can only hope.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Relinquishing Legalism... Welcoming Grace!

“For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

~Galatians 5:1 (NRSV).

Old habits die hard. So it was for the Galatians, and also it is for us in our lands of compulsion.

Legalism is veiled religiosity, basically for the sake of fear. It’s vapid regarding love.

What is Legalism?

From the Gospel’s viewpoint, legalism is the ‘undoing’ of grace by works devoid of love. It’s the basis of a law for the law’s sake alone, where meaning is stripped away.

When we argue a case well, but it’s the wrong premise and will never be the right one, we can be close to legalism. Legalistic activity tends to have the way of wicked motivation.

Legalism, within the realm of Christianity, wants to look like pleasing God without the heart to achieve it. It’s invidious hypocrisy, and Pharisees like this are known throughout the world and within every page of history written. No corner of humanity is saved from it.

Legalism is adding something to the Gospel (even when that can’t be done) to the point that its actions produce the belief that God needs us.

Grace, on the other hand, understands that God doesn’t need us, but engaged in the process of Creation out of holy and wholesome love. God wants us and this goes some way to helping us understand the difference between grace and legalism.

Grace is both offers and options where legalism would be rigid requirement. Humanity loves the former and loathes the latter.

A Closer Look at the Perfection of Love in Grace

When we look at grace with eyes concerned for truth we cannot actually see it being undone. It’s too perfect. Grace is endured via love—the two concepts intertwined. And we know, also, that “love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8).

Grace is free of condemnation.

It cannot hold a thing against anyone or anything and it offers copious portions of space and time for love to come in and cohabit.

What Wins Our Day?

This life requires us to choose, and to know what to embrace and what to let go of is vast wisdom.

We can live in love—issuing the freedom the Gospel espouses—or we can return to the harder and less attractive manner enshrined in fear.

Grace or legalism is a moment-by-moment choice; to go with God or go with our own quirky ideas of what’s right; yes, proffered in pride.

The moment, therefore, holds its metaphorical breath. Which way will we go?

Will it be forgiveness or condemnation and ‘conditions’ for wrongs against us?* Will it be allowing people the freedom to decide how they’ll live their lives, or will it be dogmatic and legislated requirement—a standard spelt out to the letter with no freedom or flexibility for expression?

Will we love unencumbered by the past, freed for the future?

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

*Disclaimer: There are times when forgiveness can coexist in conditions—forgiveness is not always trust. By forgiving people we do not place ourselves in situations of ongoing vulnerability to abuse.

Broken People – Set Free – Made To Love

That which is repaired is made again to be put back into service.

A clunky old washing machine is taken into the caring detail of the handyman; he changes its bearings, belts and seals. It is given a spit and polish. Every need is first observed, then attended to. Once finished, out it goes to the customer to play its part.

From Brokenness to Brokenness

Many come to the Lord broken and weary. Life has chewed them up and spat them out. The way life was is no longer; it could not continue.

Like the good-for-no-longer washing machine, that manner of living reached its use-by date.

Then we came into the Sanctuary that is God.

For a time, perhaps, we tasted the re-birth, grew and developed—from within the confines of the Sanctuary. Safety was a key idea as the demands of service were beyond us.

At some point we arrived—at least to the point of wanting to go out of the Sanctuary, to rejoin the community, and certainly take part in the community of God—the church.

But, importantly, we recognised that we had gone from one level of brokenness—the good-for-no-longer-in-same-state—to another level where, we were revived for what was always intended to be our service... now entirely for, or based in, the Lord. We were now happily reliant on Divine help.

We realised, with a satisfied finality, that brokenness wasn’t the end, but an important beginning!

The Mandate Past Brokenness – Made to Love

We’re saved to serve. I think of it that much it’s becoming cliché in my mind—and like most people, I don’t like cliché.

It is necessary to know, however, that once we’re ‘repaired’ and made serviceable again—like the washing machine—there should be a desire to do what we can; to follow the calling God’s placed on our hearts.

This is essentially a proclamation: Made to Love.

No longer are we given to hurting people, or receiving others in hurtful ways—though we will continue to transgress. We’ll live a dichotomy. Seeing hurt, we’ll respond. Restitution is possible because it’s necessary. Embarrassing as that is, we’ll buckle to the need of it, because it’s the Lord’s will.

Being Made to Love is a catchphrase for the entire world to see; not that we’re the perfect exemplification of it—only Jesus is or ever will be.

We don’t allow our failures to live out Made to Love deter us.

Those are a classic test of our humility.

Made to Love is the saving of us, day by day. It’s what connects us interminably with our Redeemer.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

47,336,400 Minutes

If you live ninety years that’s how many minutes your life will last.

Depending on our viewpoints, this can seem like a long time or not long at all.

Consider that every second ticks past without pause, as well as the fact, that despite all the downtime here on earth, there seems copious time for all we wish to do—sometimes too much.

Perhaps our experience of time is best illustrated in the prettiest of all planetary phenomena: the sunset.

The Experience of a Sunset

I used to walk in a locale I lived in, from home to the beach, just before sunset. I’d arrive at the beach to sit under a gazebo and just sip my drink—the sun one whole centimetre (in my view) from the horizon.

As I enjoyed the splendiferous hues spun free and clear out of the wispy clouds filtering the sun’s rays, I’d dream away into a contemplative world of many thoughts, vacillating to and fro over many fanciful concepts and images, both real and creatively invented.

Only forty-five minutes would elapse and, though the whole experience had come and gone, it truly felt like longer.

Yet, nothing will stop the sun and the earth’s rotation—sunsets occur quickly; the whole event highly visual. It’s the mind that fills the contours of the space-time continuum, producing for us both true and warped perceptions.

Life is Both Long and Short

We can’t rationalise whether life is long or short.

There are perceptions we gather along life’s path that attest to both according to their different eras. During good times and those busy seasons, time seems to fly. As we enter times of great pain, time slows, and hell appears to be the living destination reached, with no hope of return to the genteel life as it was. Yet it does return, eventually.

Then there is normal, average, everyday life, that flows and ebbs much as we’d expect it to... but those seconds are waiting for none of us.

Whatever we do with our forty-seven-odd million minutes (or 788,940 hours or 32,873 days) we can reckon it a fair stint.

Even when someone dies at half the journey or less (and due regard and sympathies are offered to those families who’ve lost these as they read this) there is a substantial amount of life lived. Many experiences are added and exponential thoughts and feelings had.

And the point?

Just this: life is what it is. It cannot be grasped longer than the provisionally breathed second. Yet, as we look back there are compendiums of memory defying the day; life as it was, disappearing.

It pays to reflect over these things every once in a while. It helps us maintain perspective.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Resolving Resentment By Finding Emotional Sanctuary

Covert is the slinking presence of resentment, and for the person not usually given to such a disposition, this is how it will enter. Only after several days does a pattern make itself known, and not only to ourselves, but it’s others calling us to change too.

Resentment is about unheard or unheeded emotions.

It is true that even the ‘well-adjusted’ mature person falls for it.

Resentment’s Not Fair on Others

Resentments are always known by their non-truth. If they cannot stand up to scrutiny, and still insist on being held, then it’s resentment—a road paved in the mire to nowhere good.

Of course, we might think that life’s hard and duly unfair, but think of the people on the receiving end of us—the ones putting up with our slovenly presence. They’ll not want to be around us, despite even—in the case of family—their love for us.

But there’s no running away. They have to contend with someone not seeing a nice world; and in spite of the complexities and injustices of this world, there is always good to see.

So, resentment is not fair on others.

Resentment’s Not Fair on Us

The above builds to this; for all our complaining and sullen demeanour, we’re building a reputation for ourselves that’s not lightly improved upon.

Regret is our likely outcome, and besides the cringing apology we’re not getting away with it. People might forgive us, but they won’t forget how we acted, especially if it’s repeated again and again.

Our only way out of this mess—and the creating of better perceptions about us from others—is to resolve it once and for all.

Finding Sanctuary for the Emotions

One clever way of addressing the provocation of resentment, besides finding the truth and accepting unchangeable status quos, is to find our own quiet corner of the soul—and possibly a physical place and time—and spend time talking with God about it.

This is simply about giving ourselves a spiritual buffer; to provide for spiritual maintenance. We need to find a friend who will hear. God is that friend.

Space is a thing we all have according to choice.

Even the busiest amongst us can find ways of getting personal space with God. It becomes a choice. How it’s done is entirely up to us.

This way we both hear and heed our emotions—which is everything of what we think about and how we feel about that. This is our values deeper within getting their basis known to us, for we cannot repress them.

Time for congruence is important. This way we can both affirm who we are, represented by our deeper values, and how we’re to ameliorate the resentful situations contending for ours and others’ peace.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Living as a Fly On the Wall of Your Life

No matter how well connected we are with our lives, there is always benefit in checking-out for a time to simply observe, to learn what’s going on.

Dynamics are a very oily thing. We don’t counter them that well, let alone predict them. Maybe there are too many variables. Perhaps life is predictable enough, though I don’t think there’d be too many complaints about having more control over situations.

Taking that time over in a comfortable corner can serve to engender perspective.

We all lose perspective from time to time.

It’s easy to envisage how a loss of perspective, together with life’s normal dynamism, can seriously undermine our spiritual success in life. It’s angering actually. The more loss of control we experience, the more loss of control we experience. It’s a sinkhole syndrome.

Taking Time Out

Instead of resenting the time out like we did as children, intentional time out—whether it’s for five minutes or five days—is a boon to our self-efficacy, which is the value of our confident ability to manage life.

Our worlds expect much from us already. If we don’t get the time out when we need to take it, we can start to expect things from ourselves that not even our worlds do. This is dangerous territory.

We end up in a cesspool to fatigue and that process is more rapid than we initially comprehend.

Wisdom is taking the time we need to take, when we need to take it. God’s generous in the provision of just enough time combined with the blessed capacities to enjoy revival, if we’ll approach it in a state of surrender.

‘Fly on the Wall’ as a Learning Initiative

More positively, we find out so much about the motives of people and their stances in life—and ours in response—when we take a little distance... even every day.

Disenfranchising our lives is not an irresponsible practice. It’s providing God with the ignition keys to our lives. An active provision of momentary surrender, we make God the mouthpiece once again, as we pray for discernment in hearing Divine insight.

What we see, hear and experience in this blessedness is never wasted. The mere fact we decided to take our foot off the accelerator pedal, to breathe and find our spiritual centre, is a sure blessing to us.

It can be said that adding this to our routine is making for us a safe future—both immediate and long-term. Imagine the extra wisdom of space in just our decision-making alone.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Instantaneous Courage for Relationships

Things do not change with ease in this life; not unless it’s change that others—in their wisdom, or via their position—bring in and over the top of us. Add to this the fact that we’ll never be taken seriously unless we act in courage.

These two phenomena enjoin to produce the requirement for courage if we’re going to make any sort of real impact in our lives—personally or professionally.

But it’s hard to be consistently courageous in the place of our rapport with people, because it involves the need to risk at uncomfortable levels for sustained periods.

We want to be one hundred percent honest with people and our situations, but dissonance comes because we will upset people if we can’t get our points across skilfully enough. And nobody is consistently skilful in dealing with people. It’s even worse for ‘feelers’ who’ll tend to shirk the risk, picking a more conservative track with their interpersonal relations. Many want for courage.

Now... courage is the moral premise generating power for life at the level of truth.

Enlisting Courage – Some Relevant Theory

With the above discussion out of the way we can readily see our need of courage for better life outcomes.

Enlisting courage is first of all about understanding that proactive change—the change we can and want to control—is within our realm; it always was and always is.

Second, it’s knowing that when we’re courageously honest in our dealings with people we’ll shortcut many complicating problems, especially those due to communication failures of diligence. Most of our communications failures are due to a lack of foresight and care—diligence. It beckons understanding that most of our relationship issues are due to insufficient or inappropriate communication.

Courage in communication is vital; to be honest, and also faithful, in relating with people requires from us the moral fibre implicit of courage.

A Review Process for More Courage

Can courage be any more than a commitment to learn and do better? Certainly that’s where it starts. We also have to acknowledge the importance of others. If we expect to be treated with value, we must treat others with value (Matthew 7:12). This motivates our courage—it’s not just for us, but others too.

To enlist courage:

1. Start with a conscious commitment for courage and add triggers so as to enable the mind to consciously (and subconsciously) train itself.

2. Look for instances where truth is not lived; analyse these so better approaches against shrinking from courage might be used in future.

3. Make full use of good examples of relational courage by celebrating them. Use an appreciative mindset or, in other words, dig deeply into the reasons you were able to be honest in the face of relational risk or fear, so confidence for next time is added.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.