Putting the Relationship Before the Issue

“I just couldn’t let him/her get away with that...”

Why is it we’re suddenly prepared to sacrifice years or decades of hard work and love on condition of a partner acceding to one ‘important’ issue? It’s a temporary bout of insanity that elevates one moment over eternity. Yet, this is how some very good relationships end.

Lessons from the Christian Way

The truth is always the truth in the kingdom of God. In this context, the truth that never changes is size of the relationship in comparison to the size of any one issue—unless that issue looms larger than the relationship (in the form of abuse or neglect).

Ad hoc issues bring with them aberrations of life, common in quite uncommon ways. Issues—or things to have conflict over—occur in relationships all the time but their nature appears to catch us off guard due to a plethora of factors including mood variation, capacity for fear, and circumstance.

The Christian way for the ad hoc issue is forgiveness and restoration. If issues become patterned, then it’s still forgiveness, but it’s not always trust for the way things were. Trust at times must be re-earned. Still, the relationship can move forward.

Notwithstanding, the best part of Christian values in relationships is perspective. Arguments can’t get out of control where perspective is kept in sight—even by one partner.

Long Partnerships Don’t Happen via ‘Luck’

Relationships are contingent on mutual sacrifice. Neither party can afford to hold grudges or refuse forgiveness if longevity is the hope.

It may form as a cliché; one we need frequent reminding of... long partnerships don’t just happen i.e. without a lot of intent. Sound partners see their relationship as the central alliance of their lives—a force from which all of life remits.

This means that the moment one partner chooses to take their selfish turn, they not only curse the relationship to a standstill, they also send bad ripples into the further reaches of their personal and interpersonal lives, and probably that of their partner’s too.

The value of harmony in a marriage cannot be understated. The more grace is issued on one side of the relationship, the more chance that grace will eventually be returned.

But the love of grace is a gift—we never give for want of return. This is the beauty of any relationship. Blessed is more thought of the other, or at least of the unity.

Selfishness has no appropriate role in partnership. It is better by far to learn how to shelve it.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Fairness in Difficult Relationship Outcomes

Incident management in the business world has a philosophy of fair discipline for those involved in accidents called the Just Culture model. This model can be just as easily applied to interpersonal relationships. It offers fairness by gauging the intent of action before considering the consequences, if any, for behaviour unbecoming. It’s about asking four key questions:

1. Were the Actions as Intended?

This question is vital. If someone’s made an innocent mistake how can they be disciplined for it? Too often people are castigated when they were victims of the circumstance they were placed in. Even if someone intended to do something it doesn’t mean they intended to achieve the result they did.

But if the negative action was intended, and the result of the action was intended, then it’s pretty academic—there’s due cause to consider ‘disciplinary’ action.

2. Was the Way of Doing Things Knowingly Violated?

As above, this is a dual-edged sword. Even if a person skirts around the proper way of doing things their intent is not always heinous. Sometimes the way of doing things is not working, or perhaps there was just good reason to do it differently this time in the mind of the person affected.

But, again, if the way of doing things was clear and workable there’s probably some malicious intent—or improper motivation—that requires attention.

And what if there was no poor intent whatsoever?

3. Would Someone Else (“Mr. or Miss Equivalent”) Have Done the Same Thing?

This is always a good question to ask in terms of fairness. Sometimes as we substitute the affected person for someone else equivalent we find the same result is predictable. In other words, we should have known this and compensated for it already. It could be a ‘no blame’ error.

But if we find that another equivalent person wouldn’t have done the same thing then we have either laziness or a competence gap to correct—again, it comes down to intention; the former is intentional whilst the latter isn’t.

4. Is There a History of Skirting the Way of Things?

Some people are more prone to taking shortcuts or disobeying than others. Shortcuts and disobedience reveal a lack of patience and diligence. These sorts of issues need to be nipped at the bud because they’re going to catch us out sooner or later.

What’s the Gap – Training or Management?

Whatever’s the real problem it can be fixed by either coaching the person involved technically or disciplining via performance coaching—trying to get to the heart of ‘why the improper intent?’

The whole model revolves around intent.

When it comes to relationships, we should honour the pure intent and scold—in an adult fashion—the vexatious intent. Call it tough love, for that’s what it is. It takes a discerning eye to discover the motives of people, and to manage relationships effectively requires melding the patience of coaching with the courage to fairly but firmly discipline those who have knowingly stepped out of line.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

What Defence is the Best Form of Attack?

“Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon... which cuts without wounding and ennobles people who yield it. It is a sword that heals.”

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dr. King’s answer to the dilemma of disrespect is clear. When attacked the response just has to be nonviolence as the offender’s darts are sent scurrying back to where they originated, producing a mood-correcting shame.

It’s easy to see this operant in everyday life. Here’s an example.

Perhaps you made a friendly advance to someone, yet they saw the advance as a threat and recoiled like an incensed cobra. You meant harmony and grace. They saw something for that moment that was unwanted.

Often we don’t see the issues we’re causing for others because our intent is clear and pure. It can be a hurtful surprise to be on the receiving end of a narky reaction. The best form of ‘counterattack,’ however, is to capitulate—apologise with prompt genuineness.

Too often we’ve been caught out using our lizard brains. Fly back at them we do. This is an ingredient toward the recipe of regret. Fully cooked at microwave speed is the disaster of rapport in seconds.

Instead, by not taking their emotional response to heart—one they’ll possibly regret anyway (even if they don’t apologise)—we offer the situation some grace-time, and our apology and extension of grace will give them the chance to accept it. If there is a sense of reasonability about them they’ll see it. If they’re too far gone, pray for them; who’d want to live like that—full of raging fear marked in torment?

The Best Outcome

Some issues fix themselves but not usually without logical intervention. The best outcome for any emotionally reactive situation is to come back to reasonability and logic.

To apologise for apparent hurt just makes sense. If we truly love God, and therefore his people, we’ll do what we can to put this back together again.

God honours the intent of sacrificing an apology for this type of situation—so long as it’s genuine. The other person is going to react better than if we’d engaged them in our lizard-brained emotional reaction. By defueling the fire of relational contempt we’ve opened up space for fresh thought; God’s light flushes out much of the emotive darkness.

The best thing is it works every time because of patience. Dr. King knew that his agenda for God and the oppressed was only a matter of time from realisation; because of the way they were fighting.

The nonviolent defence is the best form of attack. It works with lasting surety because it heals and builds.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Inspirational Power of Expressive Humility

Half prone to using it (at best) but doubly exposed to it, there are dozens of opportunities for humility every day which we don’t take up.

But, there are times it does work for us.

For instance, say you sent an important email only to realise thirty minutes later it was incomplete. A quick call reveals there’s no big cost in this faux pas; a little embarrassment for unprofessionalism, but it’s quickly countered for in a forthright, honest apology. You’ve been as honest as you could be, not once thinking of making an excuse or apologising too much. The person on the other end of the line—a superior—is fair. They accept the inaccuracy with your promise to have another go. They tell you there’s no hurry and they even have a kindly chuckle with you about it as you speak about where you feel it’s lacking.

Both hang up and then reflect over what just happened. Mystery pervades.

Someone admitted they were wrong (you) and someone issued forgiving grace (them). Both engaged in expressions of humility. But who started it? You did! You took courage and made the call, and did it with integrity no less.

Whatever motivated you to make the call to uncover the fault and offer restitution is of no consequence. (For many times we do it for self-protection.)

Humility only counts in the heat of battle... or in this case within the confines of rapport between two people; the difficult phone call. It is the expression of honest courage to make a call and admit wrongdoing—intentional or not.

The Physiology of Humility

Anyone can think humbly, yet most resist it, for what reward is there to think that way? Yet, to act humbly requires the risk of ego; no matter how ‘spiritual’ one is, this is an area the character is tested. Remember we’re not acting on grounds of success but via the funnel of failure. Not many people thrive when the road turns south.

How humility works, then, is it functions as courage to sacrifice the want for self-protection—it risks what it could falsely preserve; but it also knows that if it preserves falsity, that very falsity might be revealed; then embarrassment, and harm to reputation, would be cubed.

The expression of humility reveals a very pragmatic person; they live in no wonderland of fancy. Accountability for their acts is theirs. They’ll live and die by what they do and what they’ve done.

So, humility is honesty. It’s courage. It’s the fear of the Lord, for it knows it can’t hide the truth from God. Truth right-sizes the humble person, and though not many are given to identifying themselves as ‘humble persons’ the fact remains. Those wedded to truth are humble people, for truth is balance and balance is humility.

How It Inspires

Getting back to our interaction with the superior—the understanding boss—we see how our humility (the admission of our mistake) gave them the opportunity to forgive our error.

Just about any time a fair-minded person gets that sort of opportunity they’ll take it up. To forgive someone is an inspirational activity. Both people expressed humility; to give something to the other. But to be in a place to take advantage of an error and to not do it—to issue grace instead—is a personal inspiration. Our humility has blessed the boss with the chance to express their own humility.

Instead of dealing with the typical whinges of their employees, they have the pleasure of this sort of interaction. It’s what good bosses are in it for.

What took place ushers the blessing of the Lord. That will inspire... every time.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Words for War (and for Other Times)

“IN WAR: RESOLUTION.

IN DEFEAT: DEFIANCE.

IN VICTORY: MAGNANIMITY.

IN PEACE: GOODWILL.”

~Winston Churchill.

What might have been a life mantra for the wartime Prime Minister might seem quite undisposed to our gentility. Yet, this world takes rather a fond delight at seeing us crushed if we’ll let it. Despite the tyranny of Nazi oppression—the bleakest days of human history to that point—Churchill stood defiantly; when many (in the early days of WWII) were calling for his blood.

This sort of stoic nature is something we can add to our besieging moments.

Resolution at Our Wars

When things are darkest our resolve to not give up needs to be brightest.

The truth is our wars are not really with others at all—not even with those at opposite shores. Our biggest wars occur without our beings—the spiritual contempt poured over the soul that would rest given a tenth the chance.

Still, resolve it is that compels knowledge of the moment’s battle, accepting and battling on anyway.

Defiance for Our Defeats

Notwithstanding our most fervent hopes, there are times when we feel absolutely smashed against the rocks of life, whether by fatigue, embarrassment, exposure, fear or a million other tear-stained relics of gloom.

Defiance is the ability to bounce out of bed after a solid night’s sleep, having bankrolled those flagging regrets with foggy, yet believable, hope. Not easy but possible.

Magnanimity for Victory

The greatest test of character is how the wins of life are accepted. Held up in sweeping grandeur is the one who suffers the pitiful defeat moments later. Pride before a fall, always.

Not much else need be said but the fact that winning is the way we show our respect for others and God, not least ourselves.

Goodwill and Peace

It follows magnanimity for victory. How is peace sustained? It’s via constant love toward others, and this from us who innately love and accept ourselves.

There can be no peace without if there’s no peace within. Goodwill is contingent on peace. It cannot reside within anything that’s at war, either with itself or with others.

Sow peace and reap goodwill; that which is bestowed on all around us.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Help Me Understand

The moment you walked into my room,

It was a fearful burden I noticed you carried,

And as you sat I felt your gloom,

Toward the darkness you looked married.

Then when you opened up to me,

I started to see a trickle of relief,

You showed me how you could again agree,

To aspire to the place of good belief.

All my heart said was “Help me understand,”

For you were cast astray,

Then my heart lent you a hand,

To try and put your panic at bay.

What we did wasn’t anything special,

Beyond share a caring minute – a couple of tissues,

But it seemed to expose something essential,

To start to get to the bottom of the issues.

Counselling’s a job anyone can do,

Requisite mainly of a heart that cares,

Listen to most as all too few,

Relieving a soul without burden bears.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Want of a Good Counsellor

How much can we thank God for good counsellors—whether paid, unpaid, professional or amateur? These are our mental, emotional and spiritual mirrors; people who will gently re-focus us toward a healthier direction that we perhaps do not see at the time.

The good counsellor has the “Help me understand” frame about them, whether it’s related to finding out about the initial problem or just how we’re going in general. They afford us the luxury of dropping our guard in complete secrecy. They’re a sanctuary.

An absorbing truth is anyone can be a counsellor. All that’s required is a listening, caring heart, an interest in the other person and discernment to know and courage to say what needs saying—and when to say it.

Counsellor or Friend?

This is not so much about the paid variety of therapy as it’s about the humble skill of helping friends. And sure, some have more of a flair for it than others, but we’re all uniquely placed to offer encouragement to those close by, and encouragement is not just about what we say—it’s often how we listen. It’s the caring that goes into it.

It’s easy to start. We just watch for not-quite-right body language, the angry demeanour, tiredness and fatigue; walking a hundred yards in someone else’s shoes will help. The best thing is we don’t worry excessively about our own concerns (without denying them) when we’re sown genuinely into others’ troubles.

Wonderful Counsellor

When we parallel the friendship we can have with God with the counselling frame we’re motivated to be counselled by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit listens and then instructs the heart, if we’ll learn to listen for the still and small voice of the Lord.

Such a trustworthy ear and voice the Spirit is!

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Source: http://www.counselling-works.org.uk/marriage_counselling.html.

The Wonders of the Enveloping Hug

My wife and I played this wonderful game on a recent date called, “Preach My Eulogy Now.” One thing struck me that came out of it. It appears the hug, and not just any old hug, but the ‘enveloping’ hug, is highest on her list of “things she’d miss if I weren’t around.”

This is the sort of hug that can take place vertically, but is best ‘performed’ horizontally. It’s the hug that communicates security and assurance. There’s nothing erotic about it; in fact, it’s the very symbol of marital intimacy and unity.

For the guy, it’s the chance to provide physical and emotional warmth. The lady receives. It communicates things that words cannot and works by stealth to heal many ailments.

One Thing Required – Time

The only tangible requirement to perform this hug properly is time, for hugs like these are not momentary acts.

Why hug only for a minute or two when ten, twenty or thirty lay at bay?

When a male partner gives his time to the relationship in a prolonged hugging manoeuvre there’s a lot afforded it in advance—it’s sowing power into the relationship that cannot be measured. Of course, this is not natural for most men (I self-identify). Men should understand that the enveloping hug is a prime dialect of the many a woman’s physical love language.

Aspects of time cannot be escaped. It’s a requirement that it be surrendered. That time would be considered luxury and not something counted—that’s the standpoint.

Once time is surrendered, and the hug has precedence, then the miracle can occur. The couple becomes the ‘matched set’; one in form.

Hugging Dates and the Timelessness of Intimate Moments

Imagine going out of your way to have a hugging date. Sure, hugging manoeuvres can occur instinctively all the time, but to take time out to engage in a session of hugging... what could come of it?

And this is the point. When we go into these types of intimacy-retrieving events we go in without expectation for what might eventuate, and we also go in with an open mind.

Timelessness is an open mind and vice versa.

An open mind prepares the heart to receive as the mind gives without thought for itself. Time appears null and void when both partners are in this space. So becomes the nexus point of the union. Nothing interrupts the spousal agenda and both are free to explore the intimacy as the collective imagination dictates.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Different Rules, Different Schools – All to Be Loved

Perceptions of life experience vary vastly. Interpersonal traps are afoot by underestimating the power, and personally-held truths implicit, of differing traditions, values sets and histories. What’s seen at the pointy end are assumptions made according to the wrong rules...

These ‘failure to communicate’ experiences evolve through a lack of recognition for the myriad schooling of life.

The gospel of God is the tolerance of all these schools—as we’re personally concerned. Broad statement but it’s true. It’s the Christian way, despite what some extremists say.

Proof of the inherent godliness of this construct is the uniqueness of experience. Each one sees what looks like the same thing but through different eyes. If God wanted us all thinking similarly he’d have limited our range for understanding and perception.

Preaching FOR and Never Against

Instead of preaching against one school’s ethos, we preach for ours, and we do it in that charismatic fashion called “love,” an alluring ‘magic’ potion that works (in some way) every time. That’s why God’s inherent Love—it works as truth in and through the fabric of life. Always has done, always will do.

When we tell people their way is wrong—whether by politics, religion, spirituality or philosophy for living—we’re really telling them we don’t love them. This might seem like an over-simplification. It isn’t.

People are easier to hurt than we think. It might be thought that in challenging people’s paradigms they’re not being attacked—for the issue is tackled, not the person—but the human mind and heart sees difference and therefore it’s a threat. There are millions of different manifestations of this. The point is it’s negative.

“Division,” Not Divisiveness

When Jesus spoke of “division” in Luke 12:51 he meant the Gospel would divide, bringing peace to the ones embracing it, but persecution also for the significant spiritual difference created between even family members. Jesus never meant that believers are to be divisive in their methods, throwing down others’ beliefs.

Division is a consequence of the Gospel, not the method for preaching it.

Preaching for the allure of Jesus’ gospel in and through tolerance is the objective of the Christian life. Let’s understand this doesn’t have anything to do with preaching in the vocal sense. It’s our manner, disposition, body language and favour to all humankind that sets people most apart as Jesus’ kin—not what we say.

Respect for All Rules and Schools

When it’s considered that everyone has come to the formation of themselves through deliberate and intentional processes for learning, having done their best to negotiate life, it’s hard to not respect them. Just surviving life is a major accomplishment for many.

Of all assumptions to make—“all have engaged in ‘good’ learning”—the above is safe because it induces no harm. Of all generalisations to make—“all people”—the above is safe. It causes no harm to anyone. It honours their context. We can honour things without agreeing with them, because we’re noting the importance of it to them; we choose love (of them) over fear (which is tackling the differences our beliefs can’t stomach).

We do not harm ourselves or anyone else when the tolerance of inimitable respect flows through our psyches.

Repentance – An Individual Choice

It is up to individuals to repent of their own. As individuals, we can only make our repentance—as we hear God usher it through our spirit—and force nobody else’s.

Until God reveals the truth to people—as they’re to hear it—how are we to pass judgment? It’s between them and God.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Selected FOR You

There’s one choice better than your own... it’s the selection made for you by someone you love; a partner, one of your children or grandchildren, or a parent or grandparent or friend. One time I was given a homemade platter of tiny chocolates by one of my daughters. Because she had made the selections with deep consideration it meant my delight was doubled on receiving it.

This is why gifts have their allure—it’s the thought behind them that intrigues and impresses. It’s also why we remain disappointed by the selection of some gifts and things we receive—it’s because our expectations weren’t met. (Isn’t it peculiar that there is inbuilt sense to this within each of us? It is pure instinct most of the time.)

This is powerful to know on a couple of fronts.

Selections Made for You

Humility is tested in the receipt of things, especially those that don’t make the grade.

These can be items given haphazardly and without thought. Giving a female partner something with a cord in it that goes in the kitchen instead of the bathroom is a typical mistake a lot of men make. Men might see socks and underwear, whilst necessary, as uninspiring gifts. Cleverly thought about underwear for the female partner is maybe a different story.

It’s good to know that people will either wow us or disappoint us in the selections they make. It prepares our minds so they’re not disappointed in the responses we make. How deflating is it for them that they make selections that bring on disappointment? (Especially if they expect to wow that person.)

The key to remember is what motive was behind the selection. How creative and innovative were the thought processes? There is a quotient of love involved.

Selections You Make for Others

If the foregoing didn’t sweep us off our feet regarding the potential to hurt people by what we select for them I don’t know what will.

The reality is people do have expectations about what they’ll receive and they have preferences they want thought about and matched—even if it’s a subconscious thing on their parts.

The role of the selector is to take the thought time, adding to it an expanded vision, so that gifts and other things given are selected, dressed up and given in ways that inspire people regarding the use of imagination—which, again, defines a quotient of love; the measure of love that goes into the quality of the thought processes.

What’s in view here is simply the amount of personal thought devoted to another person. Yes, humility is again tested in the things we receive and those we give.

“Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

~2 Corinthians 9:7 (NRSV).

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Worst Threat of Any Natural Disaster

It’s human nature to forget. It takes months, years and in some cases decades to rebuild after devastation. Once the initial sympathetic interest wanes, however, most of the affected are forgotten and left to fend for themselves.

Our job is to remember; support is a marathon and not a sprint.

Taking a backward step when disasters are about is not a good idea unless there’s such a distance that the disaster’s to be merely learned from. The vast majority find themselves in this position. To pray certainly and to free up whatever funds that can go toward the crises that occur.

Beyond the Initial Days and Weeks

It’s with dubious reluctance to say the Press media play a necessary role.

However motivated the Press is, it does play the role of facilitating hope, placing leaders and their efforts, as well as the efforts and plight of ordinary persons, as beacons of resilient light—a portrayal of pulling together. These are anchors with which others floating haphazardly upon their individual river-craft cling.

The problem is the media focus is skewed to highlight the initial crisis, but at accord with human memory to dilute passion over time, it quickly shifts onto other things—onto new News. What’s not on our televisions has little chance of capturing the global imagination—it’s a sad fact.

But due the media we’re at an advantage over those who lived in previous generations—and certainly those living during perilous times a hundred (or even fifty) years ago and more.

I wonder how many cast their thoughts to Haiti or New Orleans (Hurricane Katrina) or to the 2004 tsunami-affected areas or to Pakistan (floods) these days. Though each area is getting on with life, those rebuilds are still in significant progress; not even close to completed works, especially as individual lives are considered.

The real support is required down the track a bit. How many of us will pen a note into our diaries to contact those we know who’ve suffered twelve months from now—to actually offer our tangible support when help has trickled to a standstill?

“R” for Recover

The biggest overall threat to the wellbeing of any community suffering natural disaster is the longer term rebuild of critical infrastructure.

Never to undermine response efforts (for recovery cannot start until all responses are made) we think less about recovery—a phase taking tens and hundreds times longer, pushing the human will to, and many times beyond, breaking point.

It’s a sad fact that the outward ripples of causation resound like invisible shock waves through the lives of the many. The iceberg effect takes place; whatever destruction can be seen merely signals the mountain of devastation that can’t be seen.

The wise leader, praying person and helper in crisis keeps the longer term needs in sharp background focus, always. The journey through disaster is a marathon, not a sprint.

The epicentre of disaster booms the start of a journey nobody wants to take.

Parting thought: Will we pray daily, and intercede where we can, committing to remember (and not forget) the ongoing plight of disaster victims? Will we make our help as active, viable and meaningful as possible?

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.