Patience of Presence in the Moment of Conflict

Everyone has experienced conflict where damage was done. We’ve all probably been in places in our lives where we responded submissively or aggressively. Here is one response that splits the middle, neither being submissive nor aggressive.

I call it the patience of presence in the moment of conflict. It does require courage, humility, generosity of spirit, and openness of heart — at a time when each of these precious emotional resources may be most tested and stretched.

Patience of presence is the capacity to embody
the moment with another person, being with them,
at peace together,
when neither of you know how to resolve the impasse.

It is a non-threatening way of holding a spiritual moment. Even though there are situations where even non-threatening responses won’t work (I have encountered this rarely), believing there is a non-threatening way of quieting the angry moment is key.

Here are some ideas:

ü Do keep eye contact, but only if you can do so in a caring, open-hearted way.

û  Don’t keep eye contact with someone who is incensed or intimidated by it.

ü Do lean forward in kindness, offering all of yourself vulnerably.

û  Don’t lean forward if your kindness might be read as manipulation.

ü Do hold their hands if they’re your partner/child/parent if you think it might help.

û  Don’t insist upon physical contact if the other person is repulsed at the time by it.

ü Do lower the volume and moderate the tone of your voice and slow the pace of your speech.

û  Don’t continue with non-threatening words and speech if the other person feels patronised.

ü Do seek some time apart to reflect; into these moments, pray: Lord, how do I bring glory to you, serve [the other person], and grow to be more Christlike, here?

û  Don’t completely withdraw for an extended time period without checking how the other person is going. (By checking, I don’t mean re-starting the divisive discussion, it’s genuine care for their wellbeing that we need to show.)

ü Do attempt to authentically reassure the other person of your true feelings of love/care for them.

û  Don’t persist with your reassurances or feel hurt (try not to) if they throw your love in your face.

ü Do try and sit still.

û  Don’t be afraid of shifting positions if you’re aware your body language might be a trigger for them.

Photo by Wes Grant on Unsplash