The respect that trust deserves

One reality many of us come face-to-face with every day is that trust is hard.

We’re perplexed as to why some don’t return our love, why there is emotional distance, and why we may have our offers of kindness thrown back in our face. At times it feels this way. Sometimes it’s the other way around. We feel someone reaching toward us, but we’re not so sure it’s wise to nurture a friendship. Something in us just says no. Trust can be hard.

In working with children, I’ve noticed some children immediately warm toward me. For others it can take years. Most fit somewhere in the middle. And in all situations, there are reasons, unknown or known (usually the former), for the behaviour. It’s the same with adults. It can take years to develop the simplest rapport with some people, whilst others are an open house from the get-go.

When we’re working to build relationships,
we must accept the trust people are prepared to give us.

We cannot force it. We cannot get upset because people hold back. Just the same, we ought to be patient with those people who attempt to bust through our boundaries, simply because they want friendship. Insisting on friendship or a relationship, on the other hand, is a no-go zone. Sometimes there are fine lines, but it’s reasonable to expect people will back off when we politely though firmly say, “No.”

As someone in a helping profession — a mentor, chaplain, conflict coach, mediator, counsellor, occasional pastor or friend — I must respect boundaries. We all must. Not all these boundaries are communicated with words; indeed, most are not. We must discern them. And that is our work to do, not theirs! If someone doesn’t want our help, who are we to impose ourselves? Equally, if we desire another person’s help and that’s not possible, we need to understand.

One of the strangest realities of life is we never can predict what help we might require or what help might be required of us. We can be too expectant. We can also be too needy. And yet we can be surprisingly blessed by the situations we might be called to assist in. At times we stand amazed by the support we do receive.

Trust is hard because trust is tenuous. Although it’s hard to build trust, it’s so easy to break trust. It can be a simple misunderstanding that can generate significant hurt. It can be a miscommunication when friends are vulnerable. We’ve all had relationships that expired unexpectedly.

The epitome of trust is the combination of maturity with reliability — safe behaviours and responses will characterise every single interaction.

Developing trust is a delicate and precious pastime. It always involves a constant prayerfulness that we’re discerning the other person’s needs. And where we get it wrong, we’re prepared to promptly apologise and make it right.

When we’re committed to being trustworthy, we see that we can’t afford to be upset when the other person struggles to trust us. People who do not or cannot trust us have their valid reasons. When we accept that we’re not yet trustworthy in their eyes, or perhaps must rebuild a broken trust, trust can possibly form or re-form, because they hopefully see us as safe persons, prepared to go the extra mile with them.

Trust is about safety. Nobody is trustworthy unless they’re safe. And trust is very precious, because the bond of trustworthiness can expire instantly. It stands to reason that if we hurt someone or disrespect their boundaries that trust will diminish.

If we hope to build trust with anyone, we must accept it’s our responsibility.

It would be ridiculous for someone to expect to be trusted. And especially where there is a track record of untrustworthiness.

Photo by Lauren Lulu Taylor on Unsplash