2 Boundaries You and Your Relationship Need

A surprisingly wise pattern has developed in my observations of good versus not-so-good coupled relationships. Take it from me that I have tested this in my own life, and have been able to apply it also in counselling situations.

There are two boundaries that are key determinants in whether a relationship is healthy or not. It’s not a case of meeting one or the other. Both are required. And both people in the coupled relationship need to provide this boundary to the other and respect the other as they themselves enforce the same boundary.

Goad (verb):
to provoke or annoy (someone)
so as to stimulate an action or reaction.

This is the twofold, bilateral boundary: a person is neither to goad their partner, nor are they to be goaded. This does require strength-of-person, to hold one’s own in conflict, and indeed to respect the other, especially when we are upset within ourselves by what they may have done.

To neither be goaded nor to goad, we exemplify the character trait of being a safe person. What this means is we actually qualify to be in a coupled relationship. If we are not a safe person we ought not be in a coupled relationship. By a safe person I mean that we are sufficiently humble and self-aware that we’re lowish on the narcissism scale. Narcissists cannot succeed in coupled relationships. They are too full of themselves to give to the other.

Let me prove by way of example what I’m talking about:

There have been times in my marriage where I have, rightly or wrongly, wanted my own way. When my wife has sensed that my motivation or reasoning, or some other driver, is wrong, she will NOT give me my way. At times this has upset me. But she will not be goaded. She won’t allow me to push her into a corner. But neither will she goad me.

In these situations, I am left with a decision. I cannot control my wife, yet neither does she attempt to control me in response. In effect, she leaves me with a decision. She requires me to accept her boundary.

Yet she doesn’t poke away at my boundary. She respects my boundary and doesn’t add fuel to the fire.

She leaves me to reflect and to grow in the moment toward acceptance which is maturity. I’ve been married long enough to my wife to understand that she will not change, and I praise God for that fact. She will not be manipulated or coerced, even though I have attempted it at times.

What my wife’s example shows me is there is a vision for a coupled relationship that provides for safety—for both concerned.

What it also shows me is that the three precious relational dynamics within a coupled relationship can be preserved. These three dynamics involve one in each person in the relationship, together with the dynamic that exists between the two.

When individuals in a couple neither goad their partner in conflict, nor are they goaded, there is a sanctity and preservation of each of these three precious dynamics within the relationship.

This means that each individual is allowed to be a whole person, and they don’t have their personhood swallowed up in some dangerous form of co-dependence.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash