What’s going on in a counsellor in a counselling session?

Whilst I can’t confess to know what goes on within other counsellors as they counsel their clients, I can share with you what goes on within me.

There are a range of thoughts and feelings I experience in a typical counselling session, from the practicalities of keeping on eye on the time we’re using, so there is maximum value for the client and so we don’t run overtime and disrespect others, to the delicate nuances of intuiting what is actually happening in the room. Counselling is a very cognitive and ‘felt’ experience.

Counselling is a very mysterious craft that none of us ever masters. Sometimes it’s a single word that someone will say, or it’s the way that they will say it, where I have to discern within my spirit to pursue the moment or not. There’s certainly no perfect practice, which is emblematic really of the tenet of human improvement—accepting our imperfection is a key part of the journey.

The thoughts I think

I don’t know about other counsellors, but I use ‘balloons’ with which to trap and track thoughts. Once I find I’m holding about three or four balloons at any time, I find I need to either give feedback or ask questions.

My key task is to hold and absorb the information given to me, which demands my listening, memory and encoding skills, together with managing my own thought processes, which are effectively prayers, where I am asking God ‘when, how, why, etc’. My thinking is at least binary.

I find that when I am listening, I’m in kind of recording mode, being careful not to miss any of their words and intent or heart behind the words. This is where the skill of quick interjection comes in handy. To be able to be honest when I’ve missed something, or where it is possible I have misunderstood something, clarity is a must.

The quick interjection can be a simple as a single word or two framed as a question. I have found that people always enjoy the process of my checking, because it proves to them that I am both listening and interested; that there is genuine curiosity in my process and care.

The second part of my process is the process of managing the time and space and of being a good steward. This is mostly about wisdom, but  more than occasionally it's also about faith as well, to take a risk with the time, to venture into an area that I think could well be explored for the benefit of the client and my own understanding of their needs.

This is where I find discerning the moment is impossible without actually asking God, “What, when and how, Lord?” “Show me, please.” And God never fails to show up, almost every time in surprising ways.

The emotions I feel

Counselling involves me in all of my emotions as I ride the emotions of the person with me on this journey of empathy. It’s one of the most exciting yet daunting features of counselling; the emotions are a big journey. Having courage goes with the territory.

Whenever someone sees counsellor, they intuitively know that they need a fellow pilgrim. I am never fearful of what I will experience emotionally, because I have learned that the emotions are not to be feared. I have learned that the emotions carry us to a deeper, more transcendent, life, and that such an experience of life as this has far more benefits than costs. So I try to feel everything that the other person feels, or is vulnerable enough to feel. In a sense, I cannot empathise enough!

Sometimes it’s a case that there’s not much emotion at all, and that makes me curious. Sometimes I’ll wonder if this is me. In counselling, the counsellor is as much reading themselves and learning themselves as they are learning about the other person and helping the other person. This inbuilt humility in the process makes it work basically every time.

Also, my own feelings need to be attended to. Like when I’m feeling vulnerable or threatened or frustrated. What’s that about? When I’m attentive, I get a glimpse into what’s happening in the room. Sometimes my emotions can be a mirror into what the other person is feeling but are as yet not conscious of. If we’re humble enough in the moment, which means we’re being courageously open and honest about our weakness, we can learn a great deal.

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Counselling’s greatest reward is when the people in the process witness the victorious human spirit rise and conquer its foes. And those foes are many and varied; some that were simply unknown and some that are dark and sinister. But as we walk together, we watch them made known in the light and then fall into the darkness. And into freedom we continue by faith.

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My role is to ‘travel with’, and it was a journey with my eldest daughter that commenced over 10 years ago when she was a mid-teen that taught me this, even though I’d been counselling people before that.

My role is not to provide advice, or to give wisdom, nor is it to cajole or direct, though this is sometimes what happens as a result.

My role is to imagine with the person as to where they’re at, and once  we’re there, to help them negotiate their way toward the goals they seek. It’s all about them.

Photo by MINDY JACOBS on Unsplash