It’s not until you’re there, battling the black dog, that you realise how paralysing such moments are. The fact is you are alone, you feel alone, and nobody can possibly understand what it is you’re facing—it’s why all that matters is empathy.
Empathy is a language of connection, a dialect that is silent yet present, powerful yet unintrusive, helpful yet passive. Empathy helps in situations where the afflicted want to be alone. And if there’s anything the black dog makes us want to do is isolate.
And yet, the desperation of those moments causes us or a loved one to reach out to a friend or helper to get the hope required. We all must recognise what a risk this is for those being stalked by the black dog.
Empathy is NOTHING about positive psychology, emotional or spiritual bypassing, or of thinking you KNOW what the beleaguered person faces. Go in there knowing you know NOTHING.
Trust in less is more. Mere presence and being empathic is what’s needed. This can be hard for people who want to fix the problem. YOU can’t fix their problem, and they invariably don’t want you to.
One of the most interesting things about the black dog is the situational haunting. Many people function fine in their day jobs and fall apart at night, or the other way around if they’re shift workers or FIFO.
Some of the people who are the life of life in your neck of the woods secretly cower under the weight of overwhelming mental health burdens.
It’s amazing what we don’t know when it comes to another person’s coping. Of course, we all assume everyone copes like we do.
We ascribe to others the measure that’s been afforded us; this is dangerous, because even if you’re “resilient,” your resilience is only one manifestation of it. None of us have resilience mastered. All of us have a different capacity for different and unique types of resilience.
One thing we need to strip away is every portion of shame and judgment for mental health, especially when none of us asks for it. We ought to never pre-judge what a person can and can’t do—let them have a say! And let them contribute.
Open space. Hold space.
In a world where we’re only just now coming to appreciate we all carry some form of disability, we’re learning to embrace disability as part of our diversity—of what makes us individual and unique, as whole yet broken people.
Yes, we all have brokenness. This fact is such an affirmation to us when that black dog just won’t let go.
What’s required for assisting a person being howled down is a host of many things, depending on what they need. Some of us need presence without pressure, some of us need encouragement to function, some of us just need someone to talk to—to be with us.
The central thing is being there for each other; it’s about what the person who’s struggling needs, not what we think they need.
Photo by Jonathan Rados on Unsplash
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