Responding to life’s hurts when you’re overwhelmed

We don’t need to go looking for the things of life that hurt us.  They come at us either by the losses that arrive at 4PM on some idle Tuesday, those that are nobody’s fault, or by the losses that are attributable to our relationships—when people disappoint, hurt, betray, or abandon us.

None of us are saved the indignity of being crushed by life.

And every time we’re crushed by a circumstance—a loss, a relationship that breaks down, an abuse that occurs, a trauma we’re exposed to, a plan that doesn’t work out, a break we don’t get, a serious disease of injury we suffer—we’re tempted to go two harmful ways in response.

We’re sorely tempted to either deny it’s happened or become enraged, to play the blame game or get even, to put down or to shut down.

And it’s understandable that we’re tempted to react when suddenly, with no warning, the walls of life close in, and we’re overwhelmed.

If we don’t overcome the temptation to escape or attack, we’ll probably do one or the other or both.  To escape is to hurt ourselves.  To attack is to hurt others.  Neither works nor helps.

Escaping fixes nothing even if it feels good for the moment.  Attacking likewise puts the blame either where it doesn’t belong or where it’s going to do harm.

We’re tempted to react because there’s a need to respond.  But it’s wise to delay our response for a short time to face our situation in contrite stillness.  This isn’t easy, but it’s doable.

The key to a good response, a wise decision that will serve us and others well, is to take the time and consider all the consequences of our potential actions before we commit to them.  This takes a humble, vulnerable strength.

Of all life skills, this is the most valuable life skill: to respond to life’s losses the best you can.

In neither escaping by denying, blaming others or things, or shutting down, nor attacking by anger, fighting, bullying, or putting down, we face a conundrum.

What will we do?  When faced with the options, all that stares us in the face is to run and hide or to fight our way out.

But there’s a third way, and that’s to face the fury of what overwhelms us.  It’s to lament what’s occurred.

What happens as we face and lament what’s happened is it naturally overwhelms us to the point that we seek the support we need.

It’s okay to want to be angry or to run and hide, at least initially.  It’s okay to react the wrong way initially.  But if we’re going to reconcile what’s happened, we need to think our way through the maze of emotions toward good sustainable decisions.

Talking with others who are wise, taking time out to reflect and to lament, facing and feeling our pain, and getting whatever help we need; these are good things to do.

Photo by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash