15-odd steps to a marriage sliding toward its death

In a previous article a few weeks back, I suggested 8 ways a wife might try to get the attention of her husband, to awaken him to the plight of the marriage, because so many marriages die because the husband is either intentionally withdrawn or seemingly unaware of the issues—though the latter is often an excuse when multiple ways have been tried to awaken him.  Indeed, if he hasn’t responded to several overtures, his lack of care is evident.

Oftentimes the threat that “it’s over” is the only thing that will bring him to attention.

Here are 15-odd steps to a marriage sliding further toward its death (these are not mine, by the way) starting after point 8 in the previous article:

9. She writes letters.  She pours out her heart.

10. She goes to counselling alone.  A lot. 

11. She waits years for him to do what he said he’ll do to give him time to change.

12. She prays a lot.

13. She spends years trying to figure it all out.

14. She reads everything she can get her hands on to glean pieces of hope and things she isn’t doing yet.

15. She stays faithful and loves the best she can figure out how.

16. She plays intermediary for him to soften everything for everyone.

17. Then is called an enabler.

18. She was an enabler.  So she stops.  And then is pressured to go to counselling with him and won’t because he hasn’t owned the ongoing issues.

19. And is told she’s unsupportive of his efforts.

20.  She provides all the sex she can because that’s what the Christian books say must be the fix-all (even when she’s crying, and he doesn’t know it).

21. She maps his cycles. 

22. One day she realises his cycles aren’t cycles.  They’re the normal state of being. 

23. She wonders why he doesn’t seem to care. 

24. And one day realises it’s because he actually doesn’t.

25. She posts happy pictures on Facebook desperate to create happy memories.

26. She attends prayer counselling sessions because she has been convinced she is the problem and needs fixing.

27. She sets up opportunities for him to shine.  She tries everything within the creative expanses of her heart and mind to give him a time to shine.

But he refuses to take these golden opportunities...

And I would continue this process to the point that the next step is actually realising that it’s over. It’s taken years to this point to come to the conclusion presented in point 24, and whilst it’s a heartbreaking reality, suddenly it’s also an angering and a freeing reality.  Empowerment comes in, but also so does pressure, when the wife decides she will run the façade no longer.

But that is also a massive heartbreak for her.  To call time on truth is also to call time on hope.  He could have been the hero.  He could have pleased God.  He could have scooped the pool.

If only his heart would change.
If only he would submit to God.

But no matter how much “work” he did, his heart would not change, and that is nothing short of a devastating tragedy.