There is no higher human trait of emotional intelligence than being able to speak the truth in love, that is being able to speak truth in loving (i.e., kind, gentle, and patient) ways.
It just so happens that this is a biblical imperative, that, in speaking the truth in love we comply with the “new command” of Jesus, to love one another. “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
To love as Jesus loved, we must strive to love people graciously with the truth; because we want the very best for them, even as they wish the same thing for us.
But it is one of the hardest things to do in relationships. We either err on the side of truth and therefore we speak more directly or harshly than we ought, and therefore miss the quality of our communication that would make it palatable for the other, or we communicate in ways that seem loving and yet are not truthful, which it can be argued is not loving.
We could say that speaking the truth in love is a gift of grace given to certain people, and I’ve certainly known some who have that gift. Three individuals come immediately to mind, and two of these are married (hint: I’ve worked with both wife and husband in different working contexts, and they both spoke the truth in love to me on several separate occasions). I, personally, err on the side of love, and can quite easily miss the truth, and I do sometimes vacillate into the truth space too much, especially in professional roles, and therefore can miss love. I know there are however many situations where I have managed to love other people well by blending both truth and love.
Speaking the truth in love is that ability to provide feedback that is both incisive yet fair.
To speak truth and love is a wisdom of courage and discernment that is a blessing to the relationships we are in, but not everybody can hear or receive the truth even when it’s put in loving ways. There are some who cannot handle the truth, and we all have those times, and there are situations like that for all of us.
We can call speaking the truth in love a gift, because we can fully appreciate that God gives us the courage and grace to communicate in these ways. As we trust God, he gives us the capacity of courage to trust him even as we have developed sufficient trust to speak truth into spaces that will accept that level of accountability, which is love.
And yet we’re also called to love people well with the truth who won’t hear it. Their not hearing it is their test and they’re found to lack humility.
In some ways speaking the truth and love would be considered not so much a gift but a character trait that can be nurtured. Indeed, when Paul mentions the need for us to speak the truth in love in Ephesians chapter 4, he is encouraging all of us, whether we have the gift or not, and it is therefore a task and quest of discipleship to nurture the ability to speak the truth in love.
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Where this needs to land is the imperative of every person devoted to Christ and therefore committed to “loving one another” to be committed to speaking truth in love above all else. This IS how we love God. Acknowledging that we don’t love people well when we don’t speak truth, when we shy away from it, there is cause for courage to trust the other person’s response. To love others well, we must speak truth, yet kindly enough for them to know beyond any doubt that our heart is FOR them.
The more we engage in speaking truth in love, the more God blesses us with the capacity, which is a true gift for all our relationships, and it’s in all our roles.
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