Identifying sources of shame,
whether it is others shaming us or us shaming others, is vital in becoming
aware of barriers to relationship potency. In the simplest terms, our
relationships, and we as individuals, are rendered impotent to love whenever
shame is evoked. But love runs freely, and is potent, in the presence of
respected boundaries.
The safe defence of boundaries
requires that we circumvent shame.
It requires that we refuse to
shame others and that we don’t absorb anyone else’s shame. This is a key idea
in establishing real intimacy and growth in relationships. It is a key, also,
in being whole persons.
A Bit of Theory on Shame
Many times as a child we suffered
shame. These were times when we felt perfectly inadequate in the world; in
other words, we felt simply not good enough. Our parents evoked these emotions;
as well as our siblings and extended family, our friends, teachers at school,
and just about every other person we came into contact with. Shame came immediately
in times when we were crushed.
We learned there were times when
we couldn’t look people in the eye. Our sense for failure, our burgeoning
weakness, marked our identities. These issues are now wrapped up in, and drive,
our critical flaws. We all have them.
Many people think that guilt plays
more of a part in Western culture than shame. But realistically shame is as
much a part of the human psyche as guilt would ever be.
The human psyche, and all its
frail idiosyncrasies, transcends culture. We are more the same than we are
different. This is because we are all made to love in the image of a loving
God.
Where we fail for love, negative
emotional effects like guilt and shame play a heavy-handed role.
There are practical issues
regarding shame in relationships that bear consideration.
Identifying and Dealing with Putdowns
Whenever we put someone down or
others do it, somehow making people feel less of a full person than they ought
to feel, the person thought less of experiences a primordial type of shame. Rare
is the individual impervious to such a putdown. Putdowns affect us all in many
different ways.
Sometimes people don’t realise
they are putting us down. They may be unconsciously shaming us; it is almost
always due to their own unreconciled shame. Their failure to love us is due to
blockers within them. But sometimes people do intentionally put us down. But, they
do this consciously because of unconscious
reasons of shame within them. Our hope should always be that we engage in
neither of these unconscious or conscious putting down practices.
To love people and to resist
hurtful barbs requires us to not engage in shaming and to not let shaming barbs
stick into us.
This is how we maintain
boundaries. We respect others to the point of ensuring we don’t shame them. And
we also insist that others respect us, not vocally, but by ensuring anything
they inflict doesn’t evoke shame from within us—that we can hold our heads
high. We need to firmly advocate safe boundaries, for our and others’ benefit.
***
The safe defence of relationship
boundaries requires us to respect love by not venturing into shame. We don’t
allow others to trample us and we don’t trample them. We respect the unspoken
boundaries of hurt we all carry.
When we get boundaries right our
relationships are potent in love. And everyone feels safe.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.