It’s a theme I’ve noticed in the couples I’ve counselled that
aligns also with my own experience as a husband. Married life pairs partners
who were initially alike, but are worlds different. And one key variance is what
they want during conflict.
He wants peace. She wants to be heard.
Yes, of course, this is a massive
generalisation as there are certainly exceptions.
There is a reason he wants peace. The relationship needs peace, but not at the expense of the
truth. He knows she needs to be loved, and conflict, for him, is an
interruption to the love he wants her to feel. If only there is peace there’s
room to love her — as he wants. But what he wants isn’t always the right way. Truth
also told, he wants a peaceful life as free as possible from family
frustrations. His desire that everyone get on is good, but his way of securing
peace is not always the right way. (I concede that she wants peace, too.)
There is a reason she wants to be heard. Simply, she needs to be heard. And the truth is the
relationship needs it. If only he will hear
her at this crisis point, he will show her he’s as serious about the issue, and
the marriage, as she is. At root, it’s about love showing itself as respect. If
he listens — with genuine intent — he will prove not only respectful, but
trustworthy. The bigger truth is both he and she need to be heard. Every
marriage prospers when, as James says, partners are “quick to listen, slow to
speak, and slow to anger.”[1]
Good relationships find peace
through effective conflict resolution. So both he and she want what the
relationship needs. Both simply need to value what the other wants.
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