Things to Say to Someone You Love

What comes easily in the early swirl of love becomes more difficult over time, especially as the panting romance phase wears off. It can become hard to stay imaginative about communicating our love with ingenuity and sincerity.

That’s the point. Originality blended to roll off the tongue, as if it’s meant direct from the heart is a challenge, but then again, there’s hopefully a vesture of trust a longer term relationship enjoys that a shorter relationship can’t claim.

It’s a good thing to think on; how to put a spark of joy into a partner’s day. Two characteristics are needed:

1. Extruding Ingenuity

As I’ve highlighted, having something original to say that’s meaningful is the first challenge. Yet, it’s only a challenge just now because we’ve not invested with appropriate creativity. With sustained right-brained focus anyone can come up with cute ideas to impress a mate.

With creativity comes the opportune moment to innovate.

2. Communicating with Sincerity

Innovation is the implementation of creativity, and sincerity is the golden way to innovate. It comes from the heart and can’t be faked, which is good, because if we mean it we can’t get it wrong. Loving partners will always give us the benefit of any doubt.

It’s good to think in ways of emphasising meaning, and we keep a lid on dramatics with sincerity.

Things to Say

These are just some suggestions:

C You’re hot today, darling... burning hot, no, really!

C I got this new oil; would you like a massage, honey? Neck, shoulders, back or feet—or the kitchen sink?

C I was thinking just now—pretty random, I know—about the best gifts you’ve given me... you’ve blessed me in so many ways—but none better than you just being you!

C The guys/girls at work were fascinated to learn about [the great thing your partner does]; they’re actually quite envious of me (in a good way).

C My word... thank you, darling for reading my mind and running that errand for me yesterday. You saved me from embarrassment. Though I don’t expect them, I so appreciate your acts of kindness.

C Where did you want to go out on our date, my dear? ~or~ We haven’t dated in so long; let’s go out tonight!

C [After a mistake] Without you I don’t know where I’d be—lost for sure. Really, you complete me, especially as sometimes I feel a person like me has a lot to make up.

Of course, it should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway), we need to find our own words and ways of communicating.

To recap, two critical facets of having good things to say to someone you love are: 1) ingenuity: find something original and meaningful; and, 2) sincerity: deliver the words so they’re meant.

Lastly, it’s important to recognise that your partner might appreciate more than words; the five love languages involve also physical touch, gift-giving, helping out and quality time.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

This Town’s Big Enough for the Both of Us

The opposite reality to our title holds our attention far too much—life commending the competitive pursuit of cornering a market, holding sway, out-manoeuvring competitors... even in the spiritual world of church ministry it occurs... “Why do they have so many members?”

Sound familiar? If we’re honest, each of us can identify with comparisons conspiring to envy. It’s a very human phenomenon.

But God’s made this earth big enough for us and our competitors... even those we’re competitive with; our friends. Yes, especially in their successes we can be grateful.

We need to watch our hearts as they wrangle vexatiously with what others have and what we have not. Envy is a heartbeat away and it’s a silent sin working like cancer to poison each little cell within our psyches.

Advocacy – Miraculous Agent of Healing

Some people are natural advocates—it comes with their personality and temperament.

But this is no excuse to not become a sponsor. It’s better to be active in love via advocacy because it single-handedly smashes the sin of envy.

With it, we smother the negative in abject positive.

Advocacy not only heals our predilection for envy, it promotes healing of the situation, and it encourages the other person. It’s the act of pleading or arguing passionately for something; it’s being virulent in support and not taking a backward step.

Advocacy not only heals but it creates room for all-comers to the world of work in our chosen realm. Everyone’s welcome.

Instead of envy, everyone’s encouraged to give full expression to their talents and the basis of real community is established. (Sounds remarkably like the early church.)

Praying for Transformation

Next time you’re given to internal complaint about the progress of another, give some thought to how that might be turned around in advocacy to celebrate their relative successes.

Pray also that this—the celebration with others—might grow; we all struggle with envy and prayer is one positive way God can heal us of it, a day at a time.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

That Warm Smile – I Want One!

Beautifully endearing was that smile,

Coming toward me with authentic grace,

As I tread that shopping aisle,

Oh what a story on that face!

That was a scene I’ll never forget,

A place in time with no sense of haste,

She placed me in her loving net,

Safety and peace like it I’d never faced.

“How could I have it?” I started to ask,

That warm smile to carry through the day,

To take with me to the loathsome task,

So everyone’s emotions could be put at bay.

Easy it seems though life’s a test,

Still decision’s made to think external,

Focus at last on internal rest,

To change tack to life eternal.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Some people in life seem to have a smile perpetually wedded with their face, and even when they’re not happy they seem to be smiling. There’s something about the eyes or lips or their general demeanour. Do they always enjoy their lives? They seem to from external appearances.

External Focus – Internal Rest

As we consider the image that presented us with positive captivation—the beautifully warm and endearing smile—we noted that we wanted it; the ability to set other minds and hearts at rest.

There were advantages for others, of course, but how great would it make us feel, and how nice would it be for others to notice how genuine we are?

It’s a good thing to see a desirable character quality in another person and consider how it can be replicated within. This is not copying so much as selecting from a model and adopting same.

What comes with the smile—that of the bona fide variety—is the ability to cope with the inner world so as to be free for what the external world delivers us. States of rest are achieved only in faith, for faith has the courage to not fret about inner circumstances. Faith is a focus on the eternal, especially as temporary concerns begin to prevail. This is about where we look within our minds.

Now, for the smile to come off, and to feel genuine, we need to quell the welling seas of our souls. Otherwise, we just need to be honest. People usually find it refreshing when someone who’s normally buoyant is seen to struggle. It reinforces they’re not superhuman.

Smiles of Love

Does love come packaged in a better form than through the smile?

They communicate so much. Of course, some situations don’t need words, just a smile, eye contact, physical proximity... the warm pat on the shoulder.

Smiling’s a language all its own,

As if to say life’s all sun,

It’s one with grace we can always hone,

There to communicate our love of fun.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

What Have We Really Learned?

“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God, and keep his commandments; for that is the whole duty of everyone. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil.”

~Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (NRSV).

We speak inordinate lies, every one of us. We seem to have an opinion on just about everything, for these resound from our beliefs—not the type ‘in God’—and those are strong. When we decide in the fleeting second that we can contribute to something, we offer it.

Qualified to Assess, Judge or Have an Opinion?

But most things we have views on we don’t have aptitude to judge—other than eyesight—and neither the experience nor qualifications... in sum, we lack knowledge.

Why are we bringing about the consequence of judgment upon ourselves?

It’s abundantly simple. Our minds are impulsive; willingly do they obey the heart that fuels our attitudes. It’s a function of many things adding to the subject of a lack of maturity.

Do we have the authority (from God) to comment? This is a fundamental question for the true Christian to ever ponder as they’re sorely tempted to weigh in with their ‘contribution’—does it bring glory to God?

Undisciplined people allow themselves the foolish luxury of a loose tongue. Occasionally to very often it reaps for them danger or embarrassment or loss of credibility.

What We Have Learned Qualifies Us

Positive weight is added, in terms of esteem, to the person who discerns the data for a qualified decision as they’re experienced for the task. Heaven only help the person criticising a qualified person who assesses correctly!

It does us good to consider every once in a while—no, actually, continually—“What have I learned that qualifies me to assess, judge or have the opinion that my heart is bursting to inform the mind of—and therefore utter?” “Is it truly knowledge or is it for some other reason?” “Is it because I feel threatened, or want to break the ice, that I mention it?”

What have we really learned... really?

Shrugging off the propensity of the world’s dogma might be difficult, but it’s necessary. It just doesn’t do for a person committed to Christ to allay truth.

It is better by far to reform ourselves toward circumspection by ordering truth.

What have we really learned?—it’s a good question in life because it adds knowledge from that which we have authority; we speak truth and are anointed by God in these ways.

Knowledge is power, but the pretence of knowledge is worse than simple embarrassment—it’s contempt of God’s court of life. It’s the slaking of desire to the rejection of the will of the Lord.

Assessments, judgments and opinions—put them through the sieve of truth. This is something we should be able to claim we’ve learned most of all.

Have we really learned this?

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Mental Health Days

Contemporary life is littered with interruption, frustration and both simple and complicated bother. Yet, the stimulus has always been there. Though convenience is closer at hand, today’s world has ironically brought us ever-proximal to stress, anxiety and overload.

How do we reconcile and conquer the noise that threatens to drown out what could be an otherwise peaceful life?

Balance is nine parts choice of wisdom and one part God’s graceful provision—for some are just under the pump right now, despite their need of relief and choice for it without opportunity.

Let’s deal with choice.

Choose to Covet Less

It’s a drive for more that sees us with less time. The too-much-is-never-enough philosophy of life is short-sighted and ignorant of obvious warning. Still, if it’s a choice how busy a life we lead, it’s a choice to see (or not see) the warnings to burnout. Many choose ignorance to their eventual peril.

Some are bent on their responsibilities and there are a few that must endure the time. Most of us aren’t in this position, however. Those assertive of their need of renewal can find a way to it, but it will involve less of what we typically desire.

Sacrifice is the price of balance.

Features of Mental Health Days

Besides the fact that every day (as far as possible) should be adopted as a mental-health-positive-day, there should be regular excursions from the busy life into the sanctuary of aloneness with God.

This is the practice of doing something personally reviving and inspiring.

This is not about going to the gym for a workout (though it could involve that) or gardening (without precluding it). It’s not ticking off the ‘to do list’ because that’s work, again, hurrying at our spirits. The aim is to have done our work, so rest is ably enjoyed and no thought of work consumes us. It’s even better to rest before work.

Plans for the best of life should factor in a day off per week—however creatively packaged it is—the principle of Sabbath. It is not ‘fat’ in our schedules to squeeze more out of. It’s to be kept sacred.

Activating Mental Health Days – Avoiding the Pandemic of This Age

Many seem hapless in avoiding a common outcome of life—ill-health as a cost of surrendering to life’s convenience and want-of-acquisition. One’s borne from laziness, the other from greed.

Activating mental health days assists prevention of the modern pandemic strangling Westernised societies around the world.

Let’s remember the nature of today’s dual-temptation: convenience and acquisition—they’ll be the wrecking of us without a fight back for discipline and balance. Wisdom is the king of these; creating discipline and redeeming balance.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: Private Party.

Incomplete Times – Accepting Irreconcilable Realities

Jarring is the truth that beside the unconditional love of folk—epitomised by the glorious extended family function—there are fleeting moments, intense, but without the thing to say or do. Love comes so strong ‘the right thing’ escapes the instant.

A theory we’d like to complete in practice is unfeasible—to know what to be, do or say at the just the time it’s needed.

Life like this, to use a Winston Churchill-ism, is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

Incomplete Times Abound

How is it that we’re made perfect in God—due the Saviour’s work venturing upon the cross—and yet there is the indelible etch of imperfection over the closest signs all around us.

There is so much imperfection in life; when we’re not careful, sweeping is the broom to the depressive episode. That thought is enough to scare us.

The only thing that being saved in God gives us in this way—a critically important thing—is knowledge that imperfection is the point to life. It highlights all the more the gap regarding imperfection and perfection between this life and eternity.

Elusive Qualities Between our Moral Best and Reality

The extended family occasion, one faltering, is a perfect illustration... and faltering only by virtue of the fact that broken human beings make up families, added to the ever-forward, ‘take-no-prisoners’ movement of time. We can’t achieve perfect rapport in the family for long—it’s forever elusive. Dynamics are just one thing to order... yet, there is so much more to factor in (personalities, time, initiative, courage to name just four).

Our want of the perfection of love within family is absolutely reasonable; indeed, further, it is honourable and noble that we’d want that.

The gap thereby widens; it has to.

As we ponder our times with the extended family, we can just thank God for them, for the simplicity of knowing them and doing our best whilst accepting their best—all within the constraints of a common human burden.

The want of a complete time, every time within this context is both reasonable and unattainable. Again, it signals to us the realm-wise difference between a physical life here and a spiritual life in eternity.

Cherish Family

All the more we can see why loving family—with all our various imperfections demonstratively foisted—is going to be a flawlessly incomplete thing.

All the more are we to cherish our families. At each occasion we’re history-makers and that of itself is not an easy idea to comprehend. It brings with it its own pressures.

Grace is known all the more when we consider how difficult it may be for any member of the family to achieve the simplest of things. We’re so different, yet the same flesh and blood. That has to stand for something; but not perfection.

Family must begin to comprehend how hard life can be for the other. In this we can cherish our families, for each must work out their incomplete life, often to unfair standards more readily added to perfection.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Acknowledgement: to Linkin Park’s In The End (2001) song. The graphic is from their video clip to the song.

Appeasing the Frustrations of Life

Life and people are one and the same,

Frustrations and evil mingled with peace and love,

Despite trespass with which we’ll all claim,

Comes life amidst the physics of shove.

Beside the point of the horrid retort,

As if to assent to some unique prize,

We stand instead to offend an escort,

To which we face a sure demise.

Getting along with people at large,

A game goes with it and perils to deem,

Never gains us the facts to barge,

Things with which beforehand to glean.

Spirited humans put us in our place,

At the remotest evidence of our transgress,

Base’s the encroach to our disgrace,

They’re sure to make upon our redress.

Frustrations of life come for a reason,

Padding and prodding they cajole our hearts,

They’re forming against us fights for a season,

Times when best vested are our smarts.

Still it commends the appeasing of same,

Issues climbing and amended to power,

Times for us to proclaim God’s name,

States abridged to the holy hour.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Commentary to Understand the Poem

What gives with the frustrations of life? They rattle us at a level that’s in spite of our consciousness to control ourselves. It defies rational explanation that these frustrations, disappointments and trespasses occur in the midst of an ordinary, acceptable life.

Trespass is common and it runs clean both ways—affecting them and us. Isn’t it interesting that whatever side the reproach occurs is secondary? It’s how these are dealt with that attracts attention toward “offense” and “demise”.

Yes, it seems offence (taking offence) begets offense (reacting to offend).

It never pays to “barge” through, even if we’re ‘wearing’ the facts. Fully dressed truth isn’t always clothed in love. Our delivery of fact should be attired in grace. Besides, a little time spent (patiently) gathering context will provide for such grace. “Truth” isn’t always as it initially seems. Frustration merely covers important facets of truth.

As soon as we do charge ahead upon our frustration, however, issuing grace-absent retorts, there are always enough “spirited humans” ready to put us back in our place.

Frustrations Come for a Reason

Though everyone’s destined to loath this fact, it’s true. The world doesn’t revolve around me, you or anyone else.

Frustrations can be seen as activators of patience. They’re opportunities for us to grow in tolerance and spiritual endurance. If we can’t do anything to prevent frustrations why would we not instead convert them into opportunities to grow from?

The key is to accept with God’s grace the common frustration. Better life results stand to be gained all round.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

‘Hot’ Love for a Lifetime and Trust the Key

“Years of commitment to one another are like a well made fire that glows against the chill of old age.”

~Juliet Janvrin & Lucy Selleck.

This sort of quote is meaningful to just about everyone. It’s felt at personal experience, or it’s pined for (for those who’ve lost it), or it’s sought by those who aspire to it. A lifelong marriage is what every starting-out couple wants, not least of which because it represents less hurt.

Pictured as a mature fireplace, stoked and reliably hot, the fire of commitment is steady and boisterously pertinent in its purpose.

Each person in the partnership is not fazed by the other, gossip or innuendo. The trust issued is wholly confident and resilient against the wiles of the wrangling hour, but partners are under no false illusions. It took years of hard work to get there.

Holding Out for ‘The One’

I’ve heard many stories of decades of marital bonding and I’ve seen it in practice—as has everyone.

It can seem a pipedream or something that’s hardly anything but reality. The latter, of course, either got lucky or they held out for the right one. It’s fair to say these were blessed and remain so. But love is all too easily lost. So far as love is concerned, life can be fickle.

We know it makes sense to hold out for the right one, to seek active signs of love as a relationship initiates and forms, and not commit unless we feel it’s right.

Retaining Passion is a Function of Embodied Trust

There are many couples who do have the right mix of chemistry as well as the legacy of love. They’ve been together for longer than they’ve been apart. Some others are incredibly intimate, defying their short expanse of years together.

But passion is a mysterious quality—one that evaporates and returns in scant, unpredictable flickers. It’s tantalising for one or both partners.

Could it be that trust buoys passion? I asked my wife to comment and she said, “Your passion bears more weight if I trust you.” From personal experience I’m inclined to agree.

Entire volumes have been written on passion in spousal relationships. It’s a subject that shouldn’t be simplified. The chief point is, it’s an individual thing. Passion is obviously beyond sex (though it can include that) because it’s the resplendent glow of intimacy forged over years.

Trust cannot be overstated and it’s certainly not static. It’s maintained, destroyed and rebuilt. Of all things, trust is hard-wearing and capable for whatever we throw at it, in faith.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

How It’s Said Isn’t How It Lands

An important conversation is had with an influential player at work. Something comes up; an opinion is sought. Two minds agree and an accord is reached. You go off thinking that’s the way it’ll be. Surprised you are to find out days later that they’re not of the same view anymore. It happens more than we realise.

Was the other person unfaithful? No, not usually.

We can think we’ve reached a landing on something—a pact worth banking on—but it doesn’t account for reflection or reconsideration.

Does the other person owe us for not communicating their change of heart? No, not always. It pays to re-confirm before thinking is based on old information.

The Negative Power of Assumption

What happened in the first interchange between two parties was a meld of two people, their moods, situational determinants on the day, and any number of other factors that can’t be replicated.

Both thought and felt how they thought and felt because of these many factors.

That one or both went away and reflected and made their separate minds up about it is a simple fact of everyday life. Everyone does it everyday—routinely.

When we discount this fact, organising people within our minds as unchanging in their approach, we unconsciously limit our thinking and raise our expectations to unrealistic levels. Assumptions assume a power they should never, in truth, attain. This is a negative power devaluing our contributions in the world—because we’ll be faced by many disappointments by virtue of this approach.

People will disappoint us if our expectations of them remaining ‘faithful’ to everything they say persist. No one backs up everything they commit to.

Accounting for Reflection

Human beings are incredibly reflective in their approach to important life matters. That’s safely assumed because we know people change their minds.

Indeed, do not people have the right to think—as people are encouraged to do—and make informed decisions based on new information as it comes in?

This doesn’t always obligate them to inform everyone of their new frame of reference. It’s other people’s responsibility to check the information—that was then, this is now. If people, on the other hand, act with intention, knowing a change of mind is having a manipulative influence, that’s a little more sinister. But we have to realise we account for our behaviour in different ways—not everyone acts with the moral fortitude we’d like them to... indeed, none of us are perfect on that score.

Reflection is a key activity of humanity. Mature people will change their minds, often without notice. Accept it.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Majesty of Creation

Pod of dolphins swims on past,

Grace with which commands our stares,

Rare the sight it makes us gasp,

Mystery by which abounds our cares.

Elegant eagles glide high in the sky,

Sight of which we sense the awe,

Fear of ignorance we must decry,

Beautiful majesty instead to draw.

Any number of wonderful things,

Seen adorned at nature’s step,

About which humankind clings,

One for sure to grow adept.

Creation’s existence we do but hope,

Maintains its height of admirable poise,

Beyond the realm of evil’s scope,

The faintest declaration – the Lord deploys.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

How peculiar that we’re awed by things commonly seen in nature. It’s like God’s got the distinct ability to wrestle our attention. As I gazed from my office window at the call of a colleague on a sunny summer’s day there in front of us was a pod of eight dolphins in the harbour. Their display—to do just what dolphins always do—was stunning. We were awed beyond normalcy.

God in nature is a feast for the senses. How much more visible can the Lord make himself than via the created works of his Divine hand?

Getting in Amongst Nature Every Day

This is our opportunity—to take part in the living of the natural life.

In the case of the eagle close up—or the crocodile, typhoon or elephant—we’re tempted into a fury of fear for the expected dangers presented by each. In that too is awe; for what might happen to us at the hand of such dangers.

Still, wonder it is that presents. Captivated in our imaginations, the mind soars at the majestic beauty of things that just are. Each day of our thousands spent here on a sanctuary called “Earth” there are bountiful displays of God’s creative miracle; much more than the mind can begin to fathom.

Divine Balance – Called At Some Stage to End

Nothing in evil’s domain stops the creative venture. Only by God’s faintest whisper does creation continue and through it ‘til the end.

Facts of the dolphin and eagle just propound the fact of the Lord’s skill at succouring our understanding of just how special it is to be alive—yes, right now!

We don’t know when it will end—for ourselves as individuals, or the cosmos at large—but whilst it pervades, this earthly life’s to be enjoyed.

Live and let live.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.