How Do You Stay in Love With an Unhappy Spouse?

It’s a remarkably common circumstance; trying to make the best of a marriage where one partner is unhappy, depressed, or living in some sort of hopelessness. Indeed, it could even be seen that all marriages feature such seasons, with both partners having their turns.

So this is not so much about putting a blinding spotlight on the despondent partner.

But, the longer these seasons last, the more we’re perhaps tempted to question our love, or their love for us. And the longer it goes, the more frequent these questions can bear themselves over us.

Sure, we can soon get to a point where panic sets in: “What if things don’t change?” or “What if I don’t love him/her anymore?”

First, Don’t Panic

A longer term view is always advised when the polarity of love reaches present-held extremes. The more we think certain ways, the more those ways become the way we see. Our perceptions adjust and these shifts are not always healthy.

Our unhappiness at their unhappiness—and lack of response to our love—is beginning to unravel our commitment, for we begin to see that our love mightn’t any longer be ‘good enough’ for them. But usually it has little to do with us directly.

Besides, panic can be a good sign. It’s love that pushes us to action; to restore the imbalance.

Yet, whilst panic might compel us to consider acting, it can soon find us making erroneous decisions. At some point we’re advised to switch from panic to reason.

Remember Your Collective History

A couple’s history is tantamount to their world—the epicentre of their lives together. History is the meaningful twine that ties couples together in both good times and those not-so-good, but it can have an affect, too, in polarising us.

Comparisons are quickly made—“he/she never used to be like this”—and these, from a bad place, are not productive.

It is better to appreciate the history, just being plain thankful for the good memories. These were the best times of your lives.

There are most probably good times like this, and better ones, to come. Indeed, reflecting over your history can reveal other not-so-good times that you got through together.

Understanding the Ebb and Flow of Life

No couple goes through difficult times without reason. Likewise, not one couple ventures through their lives together unscathed.

Moreover, the successful negotiation of tough periods of marriage characterises that both ‘stuck it out’ when it might’ve been easier at the time to quit. They didn’t, so they both know just how much the other is committed. That’s marital gold right there!

De-Romanticising the Marital Relationship

“Staying in love” with an unhappy partner is not so much about romantic nuances—for the romantic phase passed long ago—as it’s about empathy.

Empathy has no time or reach limit. It doesn’t quit and it doesn’t add burden for burden, for when we’re invested in our partner’s life so much as to ‘become them’ the timeframe and level of empathy we show isn’t really the point. Does love have a limit?

This is the test of love: how much will we sacrifice for the other?—recalling Christ’s sacrifice for us had no limit.

Answering the Question

We started with a premising question: How do you stay in love with an unhappy spouse? The answer is perfectly simple.

Create a reasonable and realistic vision of what life will be like on the other side, cling to it, and create a process to patiently support them all the way there, in spite of the forgivable rough days that must just be endured.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Resentment Wins Few Favours

The phenomenon of resentment occurs with frenetic routine in the workplace, just as much as in the family. Decisions are made, often without ‘enough’ consultation, or to the dissatisfaction of those on the receiving end, anyway, and casualties are left strewn over the canvas of the relational boxing rings of life.

For such a pathetic life response—to resent—there is a remarkably powerful temptation to engage in it.

I don’t care how ‘mature’ you are, or how vibrant the Holy Spirit is in your life, temptation to resentment is a thing you’ll never overcome, not in the ultimate sense, in this lifetime.

There stands a quantum spiritual challenge.

Resentment is a spiritual challenge borne of pride; humility is the only way to combat it.

Wary are the Humbly Blessed – Blessed are the Humble Wary

The very feature of humility—the paradoxical champion of the spiritual life—is its honest ability to admit its limitations.

The mature person has no problem noting the threat of resentment; they see it ever present, mainly because those who love have to care. They owe life that much. Maturity carries with it the ability to accept responsibility, to maintain trust to the delivery of those responsibilities, and to be kept accountable. (Resentment is not something aiding any of that.)

The humble are inherently blessed because they’re wary. This is one indicator of the fear of the Lord: to know just how close sin is and to avoid same.

Bridging the Gulf of Resentment

If we understand, then, that resentment is both ever-close and a vast folly, we can imagine a metaphorical gulf between the presence of problems causing resentment and the spiritual freedom to let them go.

Bridging distant realities is our spiritual task; one simple with wary humility, but made incredibly difficult in pride—wanting our own way.

Whether it’s a workplace matter or one in the family, including marriage, it bodes us well to remember resentments win us little favour. They send rapport into the sour depths; things can’t end well from there until the resentment’s dealt with.

Better to not arrive there in the first place! Prevention’s better than cure.

Change ‘Speaks’

The idea behind all resentments is change.

The quicker we appreciate that life will change, that potential resentments will come, and that we can’t win them all, the better we can accept the unacceptable in life.

It can be seen that God is arranging and re-arranging the deck chairs of life, such to compel us to grow in the humility that will achieve, for us, the agility required for maintaining spiritual equilibrium.

That’s both maturity and wisdom.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: Jack Briant’s “My Life After AA” blog.

Imitators of God in Our Relationships

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

~Ephesians 5:1-2 (NRSV).

There is something perfect about the love of Christ as symbolised by the embellished memory of the cross.

So far as love is concerned, the Father and the Son have shown us how, and how much, to love—that is, voluminously, cavernously, copiously; more than can reconciled within our minds and hearts.

Yet, to love like God loves is not hard, but it does require discernment, and the holy kind of sacrifice, out of a heart poised for others’ good. This isn’t an easy thing to achieve consistently, and to that end, it’s impossible without the help of the Holy Spirit.

As God’s Beloved Children

We’re designed, and therefore destined, to love; as God loves. Our destiny is to live in love, to live by the code of love, not more so compellingly than via the mode of living in eternity.

Our model of love, here in this shattered world estranged to the concept, is the sort of sacrifice we see in Christ’s “fragrant offering” of love on the cross—for there are many forms of sacrifice that aren’t motivated by love.

We are to learn this mode of sacrifice—against the tending of our hearts toward the selfishness we’re so tempted instead to live. This sort of cross-bound loving sacrifice, done with consistency, it is argued, is impossible without the indwelling Holy Spirit to enable it.

Imitating God

As God’s beloved children, we’re kin. Whilst we live here on this earth, we’re bound to the life of sin—despite our redemption status—as much as we’ll think in selfish and self-protective ways.

But, we’re God’s kin—Spiritually endowed, per our acceptance of the incarnation in Christ, the mission of Christ, and finally, his act of redeeming humankind on the cross, and his eventual ascension to be with the Father.

If we’re family, and we have a family identity to uphold, we model ourselves off the family model. We speak, walk and engage with the world along family lines.

Imitating God, then, is about dwelling in the moment of Jesus’ hanging on the cross, drawing on the sheer magnanimity of that love, and bringing it home into the body and person of ourselves—into our situations.

We will not be crucified, but we can allow our fleshy desires to be crucified to warrant others passage. We can refuse to fight for our rights, making foolish the aberrantly twisted legal system (so far as petty litigations are concerned, for example).

Many conflicts are hence stopped in their tracks—they’ll become limp and lifeless.

We can depose the selfish want of things, and the bending of relational moments to our own way—allowing others that privilege.

Time spent envisioning the cross will bring home many manifestation of Christ’s sacrificial love. All we need do is go there.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: KandLe – Kildare & Leighlin Diocese.

When a “Maybe” Can Mean “Yes”

On a recent excursion to grumpiness I muttered some things under my breath that I would later come to regret. As I approached my wife she could tell my mannerism and she asked if I was sorry. I said, “Maybe.”

But this “maybe” was really a “yes” because all my body language, my eyes and my guilty, forlorn look indicated it was more than a “maybe.”

Funny, isn’t it, how we hold back at times. This particular time it was humour that the “maybe” was couched in—partly to break the ice and partly to make it a comfortable experience for me to say sorry (though I don’t find apologising hard).

Grace for the Moment

Partners reconcile when one does more than their best and just allows the other person back in, despite the transgression. This, despite words, is the act of forgiveness.

Forgiveness has to be action-oriented.

The truth is, all partners will find themselves on the side of the aggrieved and transgressed; just as they’ll occasionally be the person aggrieving or the transgressor.

Grace for the moment is letting people back in; it is trust when trust may not be warranted, so in that, it’s a chance—a risk—a good one to take.

This sort of response—the generous issue of grace—is most important in dealing with imminent shame. As I’d reported above, my humour was veiling a sense of shame, and propagating shame (if my wife was to have done that) is never a good thing. It’s not biblical. Upon a repentant heart, we’re commanded to forgive (which does not always mean “trust”).

Don’t Just Go On Words

So many people communicate in language deeper than words. Gary Chapman discusses this in his book, The Five Languages of Apology.

It’s a mistake to need the words to be said. It’s saying that we can’t believe the body language and many other action-related indicators of repentance.

Words are part of the story, but they’re never the full story.

Forgiveness Helps Us More

When we issue grace—and the more unconditional it’s given, the better—it helps us more than it does them, though they need it.

We’re blessed of God because we get to feel, for that instant in time, like God feels for pardoning sin. This is a prized gift. It can almost make us want to be transgressed in the future, for this visceral blessing is not like any other.

Even though it helps the person we forgive—so they can get on with their lives; their guilt or shame dealt with—we stand most especially blessed. Not by them, but by the direct hand of God.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Living Wisely ‘Between the Flags’

We stand between two poles in our quest for the best of life. First, we’re all pressed, so we need to have ways of existing that deal effectively with pressure. Second, wisdom is known only when we do what we must do, and only that—our attendance to God’s leading; obeying Divine will.

These two abovementioned poles carry surf flags, and spiritual safety is known when we live between these flags.

A Very Inconvenient Truth

Most of life is lived in realms nowhere near these two poles carrying our safety flags.

There is so much sin thereabouts and we’re swamped in and amongst it all. It’s difficult to escape.

There has to be an opportunity, however, to skip the worldly path and find the God-path, which is one that’s rarely seen, let alone taken. But, this path opens up to us at our sincere request of it; at our seeking and searching for it (Matthew 7:7).

This kingdom of the Lord’s is a hidden kingdom for good reason (Matthew 7:6). It’s only those who want it that see it.

The inconvenient truth is we won’t get vision of the poles carrying our safety flags unless we’re actually seeking them. We have to come home to wisdom.

Wisdom’s Home Between the Flags

The vision we have of the best existence is one where we capably deal with the varying pressures of life, yet we’re focused to only get involved in life to the point that God’s involved in it with us (for there are many activities where the Spirit does not go where we go!).

There is a fine line between the flags.

One is resilience to the code of James 1:2-4, the other is the Psalm 37 wisdom of anti-envy; not a thing coveted. One is never really exhausted without vision for rest, and the other is saving the precious minutes for the Divine task. One is peace because of victory; the other is peace because of the steady state—inner calm.

One is saying “yes” at the right time—when God would have us affirm something.

The other is saying “no,” and not having to deal with guilt, when God would have us not be involved; even in things others might think we should do.

Possibly the best thing about being between these flags is the chase to remain there, safe from the breaking waves and shark-bites of folly that are ready to dump us or eat us alive.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: Sydney Morning Herald.

How Quitting Your Porn Addiction Will Give You Your Life Back

“... everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

~Matthew 5:28 (NRSV).

I’m not sure there is a man alive that hasn’t struggled with this; and I dare say a reasonable percentage of women too. In this area, all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23).

Still, some struggle more than others. Some are woven into a string of deceit they barely have hope of retrieval. Besides what many think, being Christian is no protection here; the devil takes sharp delight in implicating the pious! Indeed, I’ve often wondered that if I can think the way I do—a Christian who is writing about Christian spirituality every day—how can it be for others with a less fervent spiritual life?

Despite the foregoing, there is a scale to the issue—every man struggles with it, but some are tormented by it.

No Condemnation

Let’s begin by reminding ourselves that, in Christ, there is no condemnation for the sordid things we do, taken that we’re genuinely penitent about them.

Anyone addicted to something has been to repentance with belligerent routine. They have a broken and contrite heart; God does not despise that (Psalm 51:16-17).

It’s the devil in the minds of these, however, that accuses and vexatiously so—they stand between the rock of guilt and a hard place known as “Despair,” yes, vacillating between the two.

Understanding the Nature of Sin

Sin is only ever a problem because it affects not just us, but others too. This is when we provoke the ire of God.

We might be tempted to think that addictions only affect the person in their addiction, but those ripples of self-abuse and neglect are recoiling tsunamis in the lives of others.

In the case of porn addiction—and let’s focus, it’s not just hard porn but soft porn[1] too—the patterns of thinking and behaviour have their direct and indirect impacts on those we love and on those we don’t even know.

Honesty – the Best Policy for Recovery

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) have the simplest most effective practical strategy in quitting, with effect, any addiction—because it deals with the moral fathoms of such perplexing problems.

The source of all sin is moral ineptitude—again, we all struggle.

These are the steps I suggest for people who are serious about giving up their porn addiction:

1. Google “AA – How it Works”. Quickly you’ll find chapter 5 of AA’s Big Book which describes the pathology behind an addict’s thinking and how to disentangle oneself. Education is a key to awareness.

2. With ruthless honesty, confess your sin to trusted others. Family are not always the best people to do this with, not initially; if it’s done poorly they’ll perhaps be irretrievably hurt. Go to a pastor or counsellor, or even AA itself, first.

3. Maintain your honesty. It’s your only hope of smashing the devil’s grip on you via the addiction.

4. Commit yourself to a program of recovery, understanding that recovery is a process taking the rest of your life. This is aided never better by empowering trusted people to hold you to account. The importance of accountability cannot be understated.

Do these things and there is a high percentage of recovery... healing toward salubrious life.

Getting Your Life Back

It’s only someone active in their recovery that knows this beautiful reality. Spiritual freedom, like that never known before, comes as a blessing for having remained rigorously honest, and able to be held to account.

Doors open up—despite those appropriate ones slammed in our faces—and a new life beckons. Indeed, there is something fundamentally better than getting our old life back; a new life with fresh hope and possibilities comes. It’s a world that can only be imagined this side of it.

This life is one free of fear for deceit; courage is adding to our moral warehouse and life continues to blossom. There are no secrets to hide; no shame or guilt. Trust and respect are supplemented in our relationships.

With each honest day, one after the prevailing other, more is added. A mood of praise and thankfulness is established.

Stay honest and all of God’s coming blessings will be added to you.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

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[1] It’s important to understand that Jesus spoke in Matthew 5:28 about the “heart” which is key. It matters little whether the “porn” is full-on sex or naked bodies or ogling for that matter—it’s all the same thing. It comes from a heart disposed to sin.

Listening – The Other Half of Talking

We might not readily distinguish link between ear and mouth—the physical vestiges of communication—but we should. There are still too few people who listen as they should, and that will always be the case.

But, that’s not for us; we know better.

We know that we cannot expect others to listen to us if we don’t listen to them.

Besides, how much more blessed is it to simply listen at peace than to be under pressure to speak the right words—those etched in truth?

To be known as a listener is our cherished goal; to be a rare activator of this Divine task of care.

That is our challenge today... to leave behind what noise resounds within the chambers of our minds and hearts and open the doors of communication for others to step with poise into us, sharing their confidences with assurance of integrity.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Honouring Pasts Wafted Into the Ether

Tragedy swept through this life as a whirlwind,

Never was it foreseen – nor was it fair,

This life that had become was now to rescind,

Because of circumstance beset seeming without a care.

Awash with the unknowable a new life had to be made,

Striding down unknown streets with which to navigate,

Soon to adapt, wondering the same, why I hadn’t made the grade,

Comparing others’ lives and confusion at my unique state.

Looking back now there’s of course no harm,

In casting a glance and reconciling what became,

It’s part of who I am – about that I am calm,

Accepting the ebb and flow of years – fine to reclaim.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Life goes on eternally and the clock only winds forward, not back. This is a pity by way of reconciling a past that we cherish but that has now wafted into the ether of nothingness, barring memory.

If I consider a year—take 1993—I see it in my youth, and, of course, it glows.

I readily know that the situation back then wasn’t perfect, for nothing in life ever is, but there was a wealth of potential and expectation as my young family emerged in its living years.

How did we know back then what would become of us—some decade-plus on?

It’s not a sad story so much, as it’s a story deserving of its own cherished legacy. And we all have them—dramatic stories of our histories.

An Event to Change Everything

The poem is a requiem of the events emanating from a marriage separation and eventual divorce that took me by such surprise it still astonishes me; yet I’m no lone voice in the wilderness. Many are stricken in exact same ways.

The third stanza celebrates a reality that came quickly for me; thanks to the love of those surrounding me—those godly souls protecting me in the name of Christ during a tremulous time. I recovered with power and purpose. The worst events of my life were, ironically, the crowning glory of my purpose in Jesus Christ.

Don’t Forget to Honour That Dark Night

Facts as they are shouldn’t be denied.

Our pasts are possibly painful yet alluring in their mystery. We know they happened, and we know they were part of our formation—of who we are today—and we also know that we cannot go back there, but for our heart-tuned minds, photo albums, videos and reminiscing.

Where we want to get to is to enjoy delicious re-bites of those pies of our pasts—no matter how dark they were. They were so dark for the matters of love. Love it is that makes loss all the harder to take. But we’ll take love any day, for without it we’re nothing.

It holds God at great esteem to reflect on the truths of our pasts.

Salute the past!

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Blessedness of Instantaneous Rear-Vision

“If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done.”

~John Lubbock.

Regrets are fashioned in a crude, relaxed, lazy moment.

I know this very well. Perhaps it’s a moment of tiredness mid-morning—about powernap time—when I don’t show a loved one or work colleague the interest they deserve, as I withdraw into myself.

This is but one example of something we all do.

To have the propriety of consciousness and not respond as we should is overt sin; not of the variety where we miss the mark because of faltering awareness. Yet, there’s always the excuse—for me it’s usually temporal tiredness. It’s nothing five minutes worth of shuteye can’t fix. Still, I’m lowering the bar.

Gifted of To-morrow, To-day

Imagine heeding that warning in the mind... “Smarten up, Steve; you’re not giving this person the attention they deserve...”

Many situations, it’s the case that they clear don’t think about it until it’s too late—perhaps an hour’s gone by and the thought of that missed-mark suddenly flickers into recognition... “Oh, no!”

It’s therefore a blessed thing to know in a moment what we’re to do. Then it’s just a case of doing it. Said another way, it is a great gift to have the cognisance of what needs doing and be able to change approach accordingly.

This is hitting our targets in life—the opposite of sin, which is righteousness.

It comes to some easier than it does to others, but all can learn and apply it.

Putting Paid to Regret

Imagine a vision of life where there are positively no regrets. Moments are handled with aplomb, and even those which aren’t we’ve got the skills for coping via the hand of honest restitution.

There’s no need for regret when these initiatives and responses are employed:

1. The Initiative: discern the will of God in present moments and get used to doing it without hesitation. This requires us to become distinctly competent at reading present situations and our place in the midst of them. That done—an active awareness—is the initiative.

Note: the above we will fail on occasion. We’re human after all.

2. The Response: mistakes are made for many reasons—both intended and not. Why bully ourselves when it would be better to respond immediately, making restitution? Sort it out. This is maybe the most profound thing any of us can learn about dealing with our wrongs.

Instantaneous rear-vision is very simply living with the view of tomorrow, today.

In many cases, it’s not even tomorrow—it’s fifteen minutes later when regrets might begin to surface, creating a spiritual itchiness hard to bear.

With instantaneous rear-vision time is allowed to stand still whilst we fix errors as they’re occurring, and, at times, before they occur.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Beyond Life Betrayal

Horrible realities smack us in the face,

Those calling our hearts to what’s currently not there,

Reminding us of the futility of the chase,

For which we’re left to stand and stare.

Nothing for it – nothing at all,

Reconciling manner beyond that to accept,

Reminding of times like now to fall,

Trouble and strife is what we collect.

Benefits of betrayal are scant indeed,

They’re certainly not able to be evenly shared,

Not all results of life answer at our heed,

Seems we’re at a loss as to how we’ve fared.

Still it contends us to hold with muscle,

Onto steady strains about our cares,

Faith-held confidence denies the hustle,

It fuels us beyond to a now which dares.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are so many disappointments in life, and it’s hardly truer when we’re reminded of how unfair life is through one unrealised aspect, over and over again. This is not so much about being betrayed by other people, but by life itself; the frustration of blocked goals.

We can feel how our destiny is clearly lit, but somehow there’s no launch-pad to get there.

Whether it’s living a single life when a partner is sought or it’s a blocked goal toward the career we want or anything else is less of a concern than the issue: there’s a battle for congruence and dissonance (where we are from where we want to be) is disrupting the peace we desire.

Battling for the Life We Want

More or less this is all of us; not many have life perfectly sorted and all goals happily met. And even fewer are at perfect peace.

But perfect peace is not anything about the life we want. It’s much more about the general direction and purpose of our lives and how we’re achieving the said purpose. After all, we can very quickly come to the end of ourselves, our dreams, desires, hopes, and friendships.

We will be failed in life and life can seem to betray us; but God never will.

What God Is Saying

When misfortune has swept us up in anxiety or depression—whether for a day or a year or more—and life has sunken to depths indescribable, we’re ready for the eternal reminder...

What God is saying is: “Get back up, get back on, and keep going... don’t give up now before I’ve had the chance to take you to your dreams... but please, if you agree, let’s keep an open mind and heart as we journey together, and don’t try too hard—mine is the strength for you.”

God wants us to keep pressing into the Spirit that can help and comfort and counsel. He wants us to not give up and to not let the hurts despoil our progress. Mostly it’s about God’s strength in our acknowledged weakness, for weakness is us.

“Dare to keep going,” says the Lord.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.