Emotional Threat Assessment Wisdom

THREATS we deal with on a daily basis, but we are not always that well developed in detecting what is a real threat from what is not. Sometimes we overreact, and worse, sometimes we don’t react when we should.

This article creates a discussion on Threat Assessment. It’s a wisdom article because it discusses the varying approaches and considerations of discernment to empower the reader to make more informed decisions related to the actual scenario they are faced with.

Why do we need to know this? It’s because we are tempted all the time to overreact emotionally, when to do so could spell damage, or we don’t react to real threats, and then damage ensues.

Making our own threat assessment is about us managing our emotions and making them subject to the discerned reality.

What Emotional Threat Assessment Consists of

Unlike most other risk assessments, emotional threat assessment is really not mathematical. It simply involves pausing within our minds, in order to give our minds the time they need to process what the feelings being experienced mean.

Threat assessment is about asking questions like:

þ     This situation feels ‘this way’, but is that the reality others are experiencing or would experience?

þ     Should I be upset by this? Is it as desperate as it seems? Or, why am I not reacting or responding to this?

þ     What would I expect the next person to do? What will happen if I do nothing? What might happen if I do something – could I respond prematurely?

When we have invited our minds to consider a situation we feel emotional about, we provide the mind its moment of space. It’s all our mind would ask for. It’s all our mind actually needs. We empower ourselves when we grant ourselves time to weigh feelings and reality; to discern truth.

Having given our minds the time to consider what has been felt, we make a more informed and a more confident decision. We feel comfortable that we have honoured the truth enough that the truth will honour us as we stay within its bounds.

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Not everything we feel lines up with reality. Making an assessment of the emotional threat helps us stay calm in the harrying moment, it gives us confidence we have discerned reality’s needs, and it saves further emotional wastage and breakage.

Our minds were designed to complement our hearts and vice versa. Thoughts are made better for the inclusion of feeling information. Likewise, feelings are made safe when we test them against reality.

Threat assessment is truly about avoiding panic. This should be borne in mind whenever we face a threat, real or otherwise.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Being Raised from Rock Bottom

“Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

— Hebrews 12:11 (NRSV)

As a computer slows and locks, requiring a restart toward faster performance, and we wither in fatigue without sleep, necessitating a nap that facilitates alertness, so too real-life rock-bottom experiences can mean life and hope for our futures.

But the rock-bottom experience is far from kind.  It takes us to a depth we’d not wish on anyone.  Suddenly life’s plunged into darkness and we can begin to panic. Indeed, panic summarises our life at this point.

It’s not until later that we see the purpose in a time so tremulous.

***

The wisdom of God is taking us there,

The condition and circumstance that strips us bear,

Discipline, as such, to show we’re loved,

Won’t happen, really, unless we’re shoved.

Desperation facilitates an inbounding grace,

We’ve never experienced such incredible space,

For considering God like never before,

God we know now — that’s for sure.

***

Sinking All the Way Down

None of us sinks all the way down willingly. We will all struggle and strive to arrest the slide. Sometimes we do arrest that slide, we miss the rock-bottom experience, and we save it for a later time, putting off the inevitable. Or we might miss it and therefore miss what God has for us, even in the midst of turmoil.

God, of course, many times has different thoughts on the matter.

Completely opposite to our understanding, God’s love takes us through this extreme experience; always for our good. We say, “How could God allow this?” We don’t see the longer term plan. We don’t see our pain paving the way toward a new us; a raised and revived us. Suddenly our true purpose is made known through this ‘valley of the shadow of death’ season.

Sinking all the way down, again, is not something we will allow to happen willingly. It’s more likely to occur by way of our removal of choice and control—the circumstances of life bewitching us for a time, but inevitably—as it’s revealed—not bewitching us at all.

Experiencing This Truth

Of course, we cannot agree with the foregoing unless we have actually lived the rock-bottom experience, or someone close to us has.

If we’ve never experienced this truth, it may still be coming toward us like a freight train through a tunnel. It’s not a jinx to think in these terms, for blessed is the person who is thankful for what they haven’t been called to endure, yet is prepared — at least in theory — for what hellish times may yet confront them. This is but another image of the fear of the Lord.

Actually Recovering

At the place of least resistance we learn so much more about God, and this new direction God is taking us. With time we begin to see the goodness in it. The process taking us from that old life to the new is clean and swift; in that way, so respectful. We see that afterwards.

Actually recovering is initially about surrender; then it’s about perseverance; finally, it’s patience.

With this new head on our shoulders, and a heart flexible to the meandering voice of God, we learn to navigate the choppy waters as the winds eventually die down. A season of soul-peace is born.

What is recovery from the rock-bottom experience — as a ‘felt’ thing — other than the normal process of grief? But then again, is there such a thing as a ‘normal’ process of grief? It is different for all.

What is common for all, however, is that surrender, perseverance and patience see us through.

***

Harsh and despairing times can be the impetus for being raised; we reach out to God in all honesty and sincerity. God meets us there. If we choose to follow God, and we continue to, life will work out, and much better than we could have ever hoped or dreamt for.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Why Feelings Are So Vital in Communication

“Relationships are built on communication, and communication is possible only when feelings are freely expressed, heard, and validated.”

— Dr. Matthew Jacoby, Deeper Places (2013)

RELATIONSHIPS are what make life function as it does.

At the Fall, what occurred was a relational failure. The object – Adam and Eve being in charge of their own destiny – came in front of the subject: God. Every time we objectify life, devoting ourselves to things over the people who more ought to have our time, effort, and love, we sin. We put object above subject; things before people.

But if we are to reverse the tide of objectification, then we must now sow very heavily and deeply into everything relational. Indeed, we cannot know God unless we are oriented relationally. And if we have the capacity to know God, we have the capacity and desire to know people – to connect and communicate. When that occurs it makes so much sense to us that the truth between people must be aired – after all, God is the God of truth!

Feelings must be expressed, heard, and validated for communication to work.

A Testimony of Relational Truth – Feelings Expressed, Heard, Validated

Truth is very important to human beings, whether we acknowledge it or not. This is because we are all made in the image of the God of truth.

Whenever we consciously deny the truth it harms our conscience – do it chronically and the conscience is seared. Being the God of truth, the Lord has designed life to work around it. Invite truth and we invite life. But if we suppress the truth we journey along the path of death.

Feelings are what they are.

They are about as close to the truth as anything. We feel what we feel, and, without judgment and condemnation, our feelings can help to explain a great deal of the mysteries of God – if we allow them a voice.

Can there be anything better than the testimony of relational truth: where feelings both raw and real are given flight and their natural altitude, without a ceiling being enforced over them?

Perhaps those scared most about airing feelings are those who worry for their lack of control. But this is about trusting God. We cannot grow in our relationships unless we are free to be truthful about how we really feel.

***

They are what they are,

Let’s accept this right now,

Feelings are feelings,

And truthful communication they’ll endow.

If we honour others’ feelings,

Better the deeper we go,

Safety means trust,

And relationships can only grow.

When feelings are expressed, heard, and validated the truth that’s communicated helps to set the relationship free.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

So What Constitutes An Apology?

APOLOGY is birthed out of the womb of regret.

Apology can be seen as the outcome of expression for what is deeply lamented.

Three things are important in an apology: the words that are used, the sincerity behind the words that also links to action, and that the apology is full and unconditional, without retraction.

The Words Are Important

Some people won’t understand that for some people, indeed many, the words “I am sorry” mean a great deal. Of course, there are plenty of people who don’t need to hear the words, as they are looking for some other form of regret expression. But it cannot hurt and will very much help when we say these words. For some, though the words are important, they aren’t enough. The apology is backed up with the seeking of forgiveness, acceptance of responsibility, or the doing of things to make the situation right again.

When apologising we need to be ready for the ‘for what?’ question. In the words of an apology we need to nail down what exactly it is we are apologising for, and why – “I’m sorry for forgetting to pick you up on Tuesday (the what) and I’m sorry for the inconvenience and embarrassment it caused you (the why).”

Words in this context merely get us to first base, but we are sure to be out before hitting the bag if we are not sincere.

What Isn’t Said Is Just As Important

Sincerity is such a key to most communications. People have a radar for whether they are being conned or not, and they have every right to go away thinking ‘they actually got it’. There isn’t must use in even apologising if we haven’t meant it.

Behind all our words of apology is meaning. Why be a liar?

After the apology’s made, the tests of your integrity continue, at least in their eyes. They are on the unconscious lookout for signs that you either meant it or you didn’t.

No Subtle Retractions

Something that destroys a good apology – one that’s been heard and accepted – is the last moment retraction, where some rationale is given for doing what it was that caused the slight in the first place.

You were almost there, reconciliation as a masterstroke of sincerity, and then you blew your whole case by pulling back from the blame on yourself. You should have realised that their hearing and acceptance of your apology depended on it being unconditional – no strings attached.

So many matters of conflict that were actually being resolved end up at square one because of a retraction.

Nobody likes it when someone dilutes their apology. Make it sincere, through and through, for there is nothing to lose.

***

Apology is birthed out of the womb of regret. It has three characteristics: the words that are used – “I am sorry,” the sincerity behind the words which links to action, and that the apology is full and unconditional, without retraction (no buts).

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Grief – the Cost of Love

One wonders what price there is for love,

Yet all wondering is stopped abruptly in loss,

Suddenly when that loved one is called above,

We are left confused, overwhelmed and blatantly cross.

There is a price for love and there is something that is demanded from us the moment we lose that love – that demand is grief.

There is little wonder, I suppose, that many people try to settle for a safe life without love. The fear regarding the cost is felt too great. The losses, though they may not have been experienced yet, are too great. A ‘safe life without love’ is a forlorn measure, because we cannot not love and not betray ourselves.

Even though God has given us free will, he has forced us to love if we would live a true life – a life of truth. But, for all of us, though we aspire to live a life of truth, we cannot, so we end up being stuck in the middle – loving with reckless abandon, yet hopelessly ill-prepared for loss.

We have to cut ourselves slack. We will love. We will lose. We will grieve. To grieve is not wrong. To grieve is right. It is a memorial of our love.

Making Something of Hopelessness into Something of Power

I believe there is always a way to do better with what seems an unfair process of life. My belief is based out of a knowledge of God; that God has made a way for anyone to live a life of true power.

God wants us to live lives that are full of extravagant love for those we have been called to love – and he provides a way for us to do this without harming us.

We have to get around thinking that grieving is wrong. Grieving is not wrong; it’s normal. Grief comes as a transaction of love when we have lost. Grief is incredibly painful, exhausting, confusing, overwhelming, frustrating, and life-delaying, but what is profoundly sorrowful is not also wrong.

When we understand that grief is a process of life all its own, we take the pressure off. Sure, it will take a while – and too long, generally – to feel better more days than not. And ultimately, if we believe God is in control, and that he has a purpose beyond the pain of our grief, we shall grow through the pain.

Healing doesn’t for one moment mean that we won’t miss that loved one. Love is eternal and memories are unchangeable.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

2013’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

What was the biggest event of 2013? Was it Nelson Mandela’s death, the destructive Typhoon Haiyan, or the installation of Pope Francis to the Papacy? Or was it something else?

In a year where the world’s population reached 7.198 billion, Gregorian Year MMXIII has revealed no less hype, drama and tragedy than we’re used to seeing.  Perhaps in terms of enormity the following ten events can be considered (in reverse ‘countdown’ order of importance) the biggest, most memorable:

NUMBER TEN – Typhoon Haiyan

One of the strongest cyclones on record, this storm, and the damage it brought, was the biggest single weather event bringing mass devastation for the year. Thousands were killed (5,822 confirmed) and millions misplaced. It devastated portions of South-east Asia. Winds that topped 270kph (167mph or 75m/s) were officially recorded. This hurricane has broken a plethora of records. Its damage bill is $2.4 Billion (USD).

NUMBER NINE – Legal Recognition of Same-Sex Marriage

There are now twenty countries that have recognised same-sex marriages, though many of these, like in the United States, only small portions, or States, have passed laws. Same-sex marriage is now a global discussion point and debate on its merits and problems is an agenda item for almost every country.

NUMBER EIGHT – Edward Snowden

American Edward Snowden breaks his oath and discloses mass surveillance program operations engaged by the US government to news publications. He flees the country and is later granted temporary asylum in Russia.

NUMBER SEVEN – Lance Armstrong Disgraced

In January, after a long investigation by USADA, Lance Armstrong, having long denied using banned substances, admits to doping in a television interview with Oprah Winfrey.

NUMBER SIX – Pope Benedict XVI Resigns

The first Pope to resign from the Papal Office since Pope Gregory XII in 1415 (who was forced to, due to the Western Schism), and the first Pope to resign under his own initiative since 1294, Pope Benedict XVI resigns due to declining health and old age. The resignation process commenced on February 11 and concluded on February 28.

NUMBER FIVE – Developments in the Middle East

Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi is deposed by the military with Adly Mansour appointed interim president. Also, tensions and political unrest in Syria reach crisis point.

NUMBER FOUR – Aung San Suu Kyi

Aung San Suu Kyi is Burmese opposition politician and chairperson of the National League for Democracy in Burma, and the most prominent contemporary political prisoner in the world. She was released in 2010. Akin to Nelson Mandala – but in reverse (she was President in 1990 and was then under house arrest) – Aung San Suu Kyi stated in June that she will run for the 2015 Myanmar presidency in what is likely to be a massive regional development should she win and be allowed to govern.

NUMBER THREE – The Boston Marathon Bombing

Although there were relatively few fatalities and casualties, the scale of terrorism – to strike at the world’s oldest marathon event, and one of six ‘majors’ – defied belief, much the same as London (2005) and Bali (2002), but on a scale far less than September 11, 2001 in New York City. Three died and 264 were injured.

NUMBER TWO – Pope Francis takes Papacy

Pope Francis (Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the 266th Pope) becomes the first Pope to wash the feet of women in the Maundy Thursday service. Pope Francis seems to continue a more liberal and more compassionate stance from the Papacy than the traditional Roman Catholic Church might be remembered for.

NUMBER ONE – Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela’s Death

The Twentieth century’s paragon for peace, unprecedented in the scale of both his personal suffering and global impact he made for good, died peacefully, aged 95. Twenty-seven years of hard imprisonment at Robben Island preceded his single-handed unification of a broken South Africa in the 1990s. Perhaps most enduring of ‘Madiba’s’ legacies, however, is his personification of grace; his unstinting forgiveness of his transgressors.

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Links to my analyses of 2012, 2011, 2010 and 2009 can be found here:

2012’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2011’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2010’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2009’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Acknowledgement: source information from various pages on Wikipedia and HistoryOrb.

Who Do You Want To Be?

On the death of Nelson Mandela on December 5, 2013:

“We saw in him what we seek in ourselves.”

— Jacob Zuma, President of South Africa

NELSON MANDELA (1918–2013), one of the true legends of the Twentieth century, was truly a legend for what he fought for, for what he suffered, for what he stood for, and for the uniqueness of his character – amongst other legendary characteristics. His legend was borne not on infamy, but on the consistency of his courage, his wisdom, and his grace.

A poem on the man that I call, 20th Century Hero:

Cometh the hour, cometh the man,

Madiba saw what few could see,

He did what few would do,

Fighting against Apartheid’s oppression,

Finally he brought his homeland to unity.

Winding back the clock to 1948, who would have foreseen the events of the next fifty years? Nearly three decades of imprisonment together with over two as President and ambassador of peace. He took a broken country in 1994 and made it whole in a few short years. And it might be fair to say that South Africa is not the nation it could be today because he – or a person like him – is not at the helm.

There is something in Mandela that gets in our blood; the seeking to be like him.

Going Past Envy In You and Me

It is far too easy to envy someone like Nelson Mandela – as many of his enemies have. He was an enigma in the best of ways. If we turn President Zuma’s quote on its head it can lead us into a fuller realisation of who we want to be – as uniquely purposed and identified individuals.

“We saw in him what we seek in ourselves.”

What this quote does is it invites us into Mandela so we might imitate his noblest personality characteristics. And perhaps we saw in him what we seek in ourselves because we saw Jesus in Mandela.

If we are to adopt something of the mode of Mandela, the 20th Century Hero, then we will first need to reflect on his life and meditate over what he did and how he did it. We will read about his life. We have a model of someone who personified the Lord Jesus on the national stage as much as anyone could. Yet he was not without sin.

When we reflect on the legacy of Nelson Mandela, we have the opportunity to take into ourselves who he was and who we might be. Do we see something in who he was that we seek to be?

Today is the time to be more of who we wish to become.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Joy, Even If You Never Win

For many people it’s so very important to win,

But to win at all costs involves us in sin,

In a life that’s relational we don’t always get our way,

So try to elevate the person above winning every day!

The heart of passive aggressive behaviour is to manipulate. Winning the issue, asserting oneself, and fighting covertly to the bitter end are features. The better way is to elevate the relationship above ‘us and them’. It only takes one to start the ball rolling.

Remember love never fails.

But the trouble is we hate the sense of injustice, and, as we continue to love the person ‘against’ us, we are bound to get worn out.

So we need a vital knowledge: the opportunity is to know that losing with grace means everybody wins; and there is glory to God. It really is the application of, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing (so far as what their behaviour means in eternity.)”

Losing with Grace

The most powerful witness to the love of God in us is to be the proverbial ‘doormat’ with intention. It’s a gargantuan degree of faith to truly side with another person against us. Of course, it sounds absurd. But when we understand what our motive is to be, we understand – as they soon will – that we are a doormat for nobody.

We have elevated the relationship above the sum of both individuals.

The relationship has precedence over everything else, and when it does we both win; and we both win when nobody strives to win, but when we work together for the sheer sake and love of it.

This is love: that not one competitive iota exists between the two. When we have the integrity of such unity then we truly are a force to be reckoned with; in the best of ways.

We must not miss the simplicity of this message, for love’s sake: we were born to relate and we were purposed to relate: with God and our fellow human beings. For all else do we draw from love. And if we miss the start (the motive of love) we miss every sense of meaning, joy and peace.

***

Passive aggressive behaviour is the core reason why others make our lives harder than they need to be. But we climb above such a problem when we understand life is not about winning at all. Indeed, if we lose with grace everybody wins, and when we lose with grace we find we have won because we have loved.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Giving Space So They Can Save Face

CONFLICTS arise everywhere in life and it’s not just about ‘them’ being unreasonable. Communication is not only about trust and the establishing of good intent; it’s also a maze of working through processes of due diligence, featuring qualities like courtesy, protocol, and attention to detail. We only need to identify the role of the memory in failing us, regarding our communications, and we have just one ‘suspect’ that holds us in contempt. Add to a failure to inform someone of something small yet significant to a lack of trust that’s already there, and BAM, there is conflict ready-made!

If we accept that conflict is a given in even loving relationships – especially in the closest ones – then we have unsavory situations where help is needed.

Giving space so others may save face may be the only encouragement they have to keep mind and heart open to resolve the issue.

One thing we don’t want to have in any conflict situation is polarization.

The Wisdom of Avoiding Polarization

Nobody likes to be pushed into a corner. If you want the best for everyone, you need to provide sufficient space for others to breathe emotionally. We cannot go the jugular and expect conflict to turn out well.

When we do fight tooth ‘n’ nail for ground in conflict situations – leaving no room for a review of position – we leave the other party no choice. Our polarization has proffered theirs.

Polarization sides with a lie.

Think of it this way; there is no way that any particular issue is more important than the relationship – when we contrast this in the light of God’s command to love our brothers and sisters.

Polarizing is one way we may determine – in God’s sight – that we are not as mature as we think we are. Whenever we give up on reconciling a reasonable peace, we might be in danger of siding with polarization. We would be against God’s purposes and will.

It’s wiser and more loving to open space up sufficient for the person to work into; so they can come toward us. Our goal has to be – over a handshake or a drink together – to agree that we both could have done better.

Be the one to provide space, especially when the other person feels they are tight in a corner.

***

Nobody likes to be pushed into a corner. Conflicts can be resolved where space is provided. Space to save face is grace – give more than they expect, because the relationship is worth abundantly more than the issue.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

The Reward for Trusting (God) Again

TRUSTING the untrustworthy we find is a thing we learned as a harsh lesson. We won’t go back there, or at least we’ll endeavour to avoid it. But there is collateral damage, sometimes, as we consider the consequences of having had our trust smashed against the rocks of life, because we were betrayed or revealed or not respected.

Trust and respect run hand in hand. If one falls, the other must invariably stop and return to the other; to help it up.

Having been hurt because our trust wasn’t respected, we stood there before God thinking, “Argh, What is the point?” Viscerally angry, yet so unsafe within ourselves out in the world, we learned to close off and retreat for a time. We needed rest, and recovery was the season – against our own wills – that we entered. But sense within us led us to trust God at least in this.

Playing with Recovery Notions and Emerging from the Cave

We know that, upon entering the cave of our seclusion, we needed to, despite what others said. Sometimes it’s only when we are by ourselves that God can actually say those things to us, silently and without distraction, that we need to hear.

These things we hear from the still, small, inaudible voice of the Spirit we learn to trust, for who are we if we cannot trust what comes from within us; that which we know to be of our best interest.

This is the confirmation we need: that God is in the voice.

Time taken away is, though it seems such a waste, that we are missing out, is never a waste at all. Time taken out is the recovery we need, that God knows we need – to find ourselves in the midst of not only the hurt, but in the truth of his unfailing love.

Playing with recovery notions is the way to prepare for emerging from the cave. At some healthy point we stop rummaging through the hurt, the losses, the embarrassment, and the bitterness, and we begin creating.

We begin to create our renaissance. We begin to picture what resurrection looks like in our own skin.

***

Learning to trust again is initiated when we trust God again. The Lord will lead us; his Spirit will guide. In the meantime, we have learned a greater portion of awareness; we have grown in wisdom regarding who is worthy of our trust. We have a newfound strength for being assertive and a new passion for doing God’s will.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.