IT IS THE BIGGEST issue of our lives: family dynamics – those that tend
southwards: conflict, both seemingly reconcilable and irreconcilable.
We all sense the truth in this. When things
go well within our families, things are good, and life runs swimmingly. But
when things go poorly at a family level it becomes a crisis for everyone
concerned, especially those least in control: children, youth, grandparents,
wives, husbands, others (probably in that order).
When family issues swarm, prowl and condemn
many, if not all, in the family set-up feel a varying burden of strain. It’s
not just those who are responsible or those in control who feel it; everyone
does.
So, what can we do?
Practical Considerations with Family
Issues
-
Space is always
important in conflict situations – distance apart and time apart, to consider
matters in the reasonability of one’s own mind.
-
Getting into the
other person’s moccasins. Yes, trying to stand from their position can be a
great help. If the conflict occurs that is unevenly yoked – for instance, a
child or a youth against a parent or grandparent – it’s good to consider the
uneven power differential. Sometimes the most aggrieved party will need to talk
with a non-family member (in a counselling role) to gain the perspective and
receive the empathy required.
-
The simple
acknowledgement that everyone is trying their best is important. It may not
seem as if the other party is trying, but it is rare that family members go
against each for sport. It is a great thing to be aware of that not everyone
has the skills to cope with family conflict. Indeed, most of us flounder at
some point.
-
Making ceremonies
out of opportunities for forgiveness and restoration is a thing most families
won’t instinctively think of. But the adults in control can organise a
celebration – a meal out, a picnic, prizes for those who sorted the conflict
out, etc. It might sound corny, but this sort of thing can be done very well
and adds immensely to the healing process. It also creates a sense of unity and
tradition. When asked, “How did your family cope with conflict?” we could say,
“We struggled, but we would always do something to acknowledge and recognise
those who forgave and restored relationships in our family.”
***
All families endure conflict, and some
conflicts are so embarrassing we may cover them up. But conflict is
astoundingly normal in family dynamics, and don’t they occur one on top of
another, or three at a time!
Providing space for reflection, the giving
of empathy, acknowledgement of the other person’s situation, and the
celebration of resolutions all help.
© 2013 S. J. Wickham.
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