Being wary of the perils of relationships early on

This is not just about romantic relationships, but let’s hang the shingle there. It’s equally relevant in all relationships, including in the workplace, in churches, in sporting clubs—wherever there is the will to exert and resist control.

Let’s start here, for this is a common illustration of the most perilous of starts in terms of relationships. Be wary of anyone you ‘meet’ online. There’s nothing wrong with a little (or a lot of) scepticism. Anyone who allows you to withhold your trust is potentially the real deal, but just as much that can be a ‘tactic’; and your trust, being honest, is something many find hard to withhold. See how impossible it is to tell if you’re dealing with a safe person or not? For even those we know face-to-face, red flags may only be noticed a year down the track. By that stage they have won their way into your heart and they have worked their way into your life. How costly is the wrong person or a toxic relationship in your life? Far too costly if you ask me.

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We invest so much of ourselves in our relationship. So the other person may say the same thing, whether it’s legitimate or not. Our hearts are sown into the very relationships that destroy us when we feel betrayed; especially when we begin to feel controlled. Now, there are some contractual relationships that do feature control—employment contracts, for instance. But it’s not the same in the relationship with our life partner, nor is it for relationships where we must relate as colleagues. Even in employment arrangements, it’s best with employers and employees that there’s a thick layer of passionate bipartisanship.

Let’s speak about control for a moment. Nobody, traditionally, has appreciated the feeling of being controlled by another person. It’s even more an issue in these days of entitlement.

The relationships we have to be most wary of are those where either overt or covert control is exerted. When this happens, resistance is normal. But so is a rise in the toxicity of the relationship. In relationships where submission is the only way one party can keep the peace, there is a desperate need of truth. 

But if truth is the input in unsafe relationships where the other person will not relinquish control or their desire to control the other, toxicity will rise, and the relationship is approaching a breaking point.

The person speaking truth may feel indelible pressure to restore the balance and bring equilibrium, and therefore hope of a genuinely loving relationship. But if their partner is a my-way-or-the-highway kind of person, the relationship will face fracture.

Early on there are red flags. But the trouble is when would we like to see them? See them early and our awareness piques and it causes us no end of stress, because we know things must change and that feeling never leaves. See them too late and we feel stupid for not seeing them earlier. Seeing red flags is both necessary and tragic.

Signs of a good relationship early on can be extremely hard to discern. Things may start out well, and they may change. They may be behaving in a problematic way, but if we’re not savvy in our awareness we won’t notice until we’re too invested. It might be that they see something in us that they hadn’t seen beforehand and their passionate interest wanes—this always feels like a such a great travesty of betrayal.

By the stage we’re fully invested in a relationship, the other person has won their way into our heart and they have worked their way into our life. Somehow we must keep a foot outside the camp, be open to the honest thoughts and hunches of trusted others, save some doubt amid our infatuation, and understand that those we’re best entwined with are those who will allow us to protect ourselves.

Photo by Joseph Chan on Unsplash