Loving the abuser with nothing less than the love they need

Diane Langberg, PhD, would not consider herself a pastor, but I find she preaches the best sermons—messages for today, for a time when the church is most scrutinised and perhaps most willing (this is our hope) to take a deep look within.

Here is what Langberg suggests regarding love for the abuser:

“If we love the abuser we will know that true repentance is slow and hard, and their words and promises cannot be trusted. Keep in mind that one of the most powerful weapons of deception is the use of spiritual language.”

For starters, if we truly love someone who abuses others, we will not let them have their way—abusive people never opt to do the hard work of recovery, and nearly all of them don’t have the capacity for it in any event. So, it’s never more important to ‘hold the line’ and refuse to love them less by letting them off the hook. Perhaps we’re the only ones they’ve ever encountered who will attempt to hold them accountable. We can never do this by being easily offended. But equally we must hold them to account for the abusive things they say and do—every single one of them.

If we love someone who is abusing us, we will need to understand that their promises to change rarely if ever bear any fruit. Our only chance to help them is if we love them with a love that insists they change if there’s hope remaining for ‘us’, and much of the time we have to accept that it’s realistic to end the toxic arrangement. If God resurrects the arrangement in time well that’s the Lord’s business.

Secondly, and this is a global truth any of us who have recovered from anything can attest to; recovery is slow and hard. True repentance emanates only from deep heart change. There was something that happened within a person who departs from one way of living to embrace something 180 degrees different. Even if this is rare, it does happen, and the true Christian is someone who evidences such heart change in several aspects of their lives. It needs to be said here that, for abusers, change can only be evidenced over several months and into a year or more—and they won’t try and convince you. A year or more is how long it takes to truly see the fruit of the change they have said they’ve made. Be wary of those who talk up the changes they’ve made; but be hopeful of those who let their actions speak.

Thirdly, spiritual language is impressive, and we’ve grown to be impressed by it. We need to be on our guard for flattery and anything that would appear remarkable, inspiring, noteworthy and extraordinary. The paradox is this: those who must impress we should be least impressed, and possibly most concerned, by. Those who don’t need to impress us we may find are the most trustworthy. They don’t need to be ‘seen’ to be content, whereas the person who must be acknowledged, appreciated and recognised is sometimes most coercive. Of course, all humans have human needs, but it’s never good for us or others when we must control others to attain our needs.

Finally, we never have to feel guilty for loving people in a way that leaves them room to win our respect. The respectable person is respectful of the need we have for them to prove they are worthy of our respect. Most people don’t mind having to earn other people’s respect. The person who demands to be respected, however, is on a slippery slope. But this isn’t to say that respect isn’t a need, for it is! We just can never demand it.

It’s a good thing to love an abusive person with nothing less than the love they need, which is a tough brand of love that holds them to account for their own good. They may win us over, and they will have gained our heart in the process, but they will need to prove themselves trustworthy first. If it’s the case that you’re in a relationship with an abuser, however, this kind of love will have a limited affect. Those who love you who are also acquainted with the abuser can and should love them, however, with this tough love.

It is never a good outcome for an abuser or anyone who knows them and is in a relationship of any kind with them to let the abuser off the hook and to make their yoke easy or their burden light. They need a firmer hand than that to truly be loved.

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