As things have been, they can no longer be

It usually takes a long time to draw toward the relational precipice, but once that edge appears, no longer is it on the horizon. As it dawns on us, we realise whatever reflection time we had is now over. A decision must be made.

We may not have seen it coming, or perhaps we saw it a long time ago, either way it’s never easy to find ourselves in that place of needing to implement change. Never.

Or, maybe it’s just the case that someone we’ve known for some time has suddenly done something quite unexpectedly. We’re at a loss to make sense of it, let alone meaning. This too forces our hand. We may feel compelled to act.

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In strong and stable relationships, communication is straight and plain, and the truth is exposed, because there is trust between parties that love underpins the communication.

Indeed, such relationships bear the hallmarks of integrity.

But it’s easy for relationships to fall into periods of comfort and complacency, where “it’s all good” becomes the pre-loaded mantra. Conflict occurs and truth goes under the radar. Everything appears fine, but usually one in the friendship or partnership or marriage is secretly or unconsciously seething, whilst the other remains relatively clueless. It also does happen that by silent ascent, denial is allowed which, like cancer, metastasises just as silently.

One of the key indicators we’re in a safe relationship is the ability to challenge the other person about how they’re impacting you. If we can’t do this, it’s a sign there’s a lack of safety, a lack of trust, a lack of security. 

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Sometimes it can be the case that our partner or friend or co-worker or boss could handle what we’ve got to say, and perhaps it’s us that struggles to bring a hard word to them. Maybe we fear rejection, or just want to keep the status quo for some other reason.

Quite often though we would say what we need to say if we could. Something holds us back; it’s an instinct that we cannot fault.

Somehow, we know we can broach certain topics, but we can’t broach others. And it depends greatly on the cost of not being able to communicate our truths.

Sometimes it might be an inkling or a suspicion we need to follow up on. At other times we know it’s something that isn’t going away and often it’s affecting others as well as ourselves.

Sometimes we just know that we know that we know; things just cannot remain as they presently are. As things have been, they can no longer be. It could be that we’re tired or fed up with a pattern that’s existed over days or weeks or months or years. We could also be very concerned how the other person will take it; we could wear that burden that their life is in our hands. We don’t want to cause them grief, but…

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We do need to bear in mind whether we’ve given them enough chances already to change. Sometimes we’ve gone on about it, ad nauseam. Other times, it would be a shock to them to find out what exactly we’re thinking.

We do need to determine whether we’ve been clear enough, but we also need to be firm within ourselves when we’ve already given plenty of second chances.

Each of us is perfectly within our rights to think, feel and say, “As things have been between us, they can no longer be; it stops here… [and here is the reason why]”

Truth between two people is paramount if trust is to exist and blossom. Where we cannot be truthful, we stand a step closer to betrayal. Where truth is not valued, compromise erodes the foundation of an otherwise sound relationship and it dissolves. Where truth threatens the existence of the relationship there is no relationship.

Truth is paramount as a foundation for love, and love is needed in all relationships. Love is far more than romance. Love is more about goodness and goodwill and integrity. To be loving we must be truthful, for what is it if we shrink from speaking truth? It’s a failure to love.

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When we get to the place of, “As things have been, they can no longer be,” we have to wear the fact that they might say, “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

With truth, it’s better late than never, but truth on time is best.

We must expect resistance. Confrontation brings anxiety in both parties, but what is necessary must necessarily occur. And where we stand on the other side of the confrontation, and we’re the ones being confronted, we must pray for the poise to respect the one bearing sad news.

Photo by Andrew Petrischev on Unsplash