The best lessons to be learned come from within the home

We get no better glimpse into our dark and wonderful psyche than through the mirror of relationship. Through such a lens we get data about ourselves that, in truth, we cannot refute… well, we can, but to our own and others’ peril; to the death of our growth and to the destruction of others that we leave in our wake.

But, let’s accentuate the positive. Having now been so privileged to have been invited into three dozen marriages as a therapist—a man who once (two decades ago) refused to embark on marriage counselling to my utter regret—I now know where I learn my best lessons: my own marriage and within my own family.

It’s in my own marriage where I’m reminded how much of a man I am. I can expect to be treated with sensitivity and yet can be rather insensitive. I believe in the phenomenon of white male privilege because I can see it in myself. Just about every marriage counselling session I provide I learn something about me and my marriage. Sometimes I feel like it should be me paying for the service and not those who are paying for it. And yet, all I’m learning is coming through God’s powerful revelation, because the Spirit of God knows what I need to know; the Lord gets through in many significant ways. (And I pray continually that I’ll see all that God is showing me.)

It’s my wife’s patience that teaches me gratitude. It’s her upholding of boundaries that teaches me a respect I should unequivocally have, yet at times don’t. It’s her not taking advantage of me that teaches me to be thankful for her calm, uncovetous spirit. And it’s when she departs from her virtuous character that God teaches me that nobody is perfect; that the grace she normally exudes is to be reciprocated. I don’t always get it right, however. And still, each of my children have also schooled me in God’s lessons for life.

In any and in every family, there are structures that work for that family. There are few ‘right’ ways, as there are so many. How long is a piece of string? It’s why no partner in a marriage has the right to say, “my way or the highway.” Both have and need a voice. Of course, safe boundaries always apply. The rules of apology (no matter who it is or what their role is) apply, always. Each person’s voice is, on matters of humanity and dignity, of equal importance. And yet, the marital unit needs to work in elevated unison for the betterment of the entire family. And still, the leaders serve the others.

It’s been during the times when I’ve failed most as a husband and as a father that I’ve learned the most. But we only learn and grow when we our hearts are open; when we ditch the idea that we’re in charge or beyond being wrong. Everyone hates injustice, children included, and how bad does life get when those injustices are rooted deeply in the home? How much worse is it when shame is hidden?

Where better are we to learn the most beautiful and yet at times the most painful of life lessons than in the home? Where will we find the most forgiveness? Where is the greatest hope of redemption? If only we’re soft-of-heart and not stiff-of-neck. If only we can seek forgiveness, prove our repentance through genuine heart change, and always live the hope that is borne only in the faith from the powers of God alone.

Whatever is our ‘trade’ we can learn so much from what goes on in our homes; if only we’re honest and humble enough to be vulnerable and admit when we get it wrong.

The marriage partner we all need is the one who is humble enough to confess their error, understand and acknowledge the hurt they cause, say they’re sorry, commit to doing better next time and genuinely get there, and who seeks to be forgiven. That marriage partner we need is the person we need to be for our partner. And if we find they refuse to party with that, we may find the marriage untenable. Ultimatums are okay when they inspire change.

Children, too, whether they be adult or juvenile, deserve to have adults as parents. This cannot always be taken as a given. It’s up to us fathers and mothers to be effective adults in our world; realistic, reasonable, rational, logical, reliable, trustworthy.

The best lessons that can be learned come from within the home.

If we can be real, loving, genuine and caring in our homes, even when we get it wrong, just think how effective we can be for others in our world.

Featured in the photo above are two special teddy bears in our home.