5 things a narcissistic partner or family member aims to exploit

They seem to know you better than you know yourself; that’s what they’d have you believe. This can leave you feeling rather foolish, but the thing is, it’s not just you. Think of the millions upon millions of empaths either coupled or in a family with narcissists the world over. All individual couples and families. All with similar dynamics running.

I’ve long believed that narcissists are people who feel they’re genuinely entitled to have what they choose, who exploit those entitlements opportunistically, whom, with such capacity for exploitation, have zero effectual empathy. 

They simply don’t care about others, and they only nurture an image of caring to protect their goal, which is one of exploitation. One could say they don’t have the capacity to care. And because they’re either skilled charismatics (they don’t have genuine charisma—which is a beautifully sincere, integrous giftedness) in the case of being a partner, or they just know you can’t do without them—until you decide, “No, I can do without you in my life… indeed, I need to draw a line around you to keep myself, and the others I love, safe.”

Here are five things the narcissistic partner or family member hopes to exploit:

1.           Your dependence on them. They have crafted a niche for you to be in. They provide something that maintains the status quo. They feed you so you can feed them. Sometimes this is about their other relationships that you also care about. “If I upset the narcissist, it will impact in a seriously negative way upon those others I care for.” Narcissistic relationships are highly transactional (you give to me and then I’ll give to you, i.e. conditional), which is definitely not the way partnered and family relationships truly work.

2.           Their ability to control you. It can well appear that, because they don’t seem to have hold of the reins at all times that they don’t endeavour to control you. The fact is you’re probably not the only one in their narcissistic supply chain. The test here is what you’re allowed to say “no” to. Inevitably when they come to you, especially when you discern that sense of their manipulation for control, just firmly though gently push back on their request (demand). If they’re incensed, there’s an element of control occurring.

3.           Your time, but only when it suits them. You could be the flavour of the month, or it could be that they want to prove “how important you are to them.” Either way, the only time you will really feel “important to them” is when they genuinely and consistently set their needs aside for you. Assuming you’re an empath, you’re already doing this with and for them.

4.           Your success. Chances are that when you’ve failed or are experiencing difficulty, that’s where the lack of empathy will be most clearly evident. But when there’s cause for celebration, the narcissistic partner or family member is either jealous as hell or they’re insipidly riding on the coattails of that success. Some waver between the two, leaving you to wonder within the happy time, “What is going on here?”

5.           Your need for safety. This is the hardest of all truths to face when we find, like so many others, that we’re in a relationship or family with a narcissist. It’s normal and appropriate to need to feel safe at home, and I’m not just talking about physical safety, though that’s also of prime importance. Your safety could well be the carrot they occasionally dangle in front of you. They somehow (and crazily) give the illusion that they, alone, are directly responsible for your safety—that you NEED them to be safe. And yet they’re the perhaps the ONLY reason you ever feel unsafe.