When no matter what you do your support isn’t enough

This is a companion article to “Why you should NOT feel guilty for needing support.”

I’m so thankful when people come back and lovingly state a counter view, for there is a very important counter view here.

I started with the premise in the previous article that there are times in all our lives when we’re floored by loss, and, that by receiving the support of incredibly gracious care, we often are inspired to (later, much later) become good carers in the manner for which we received that care. I should also have mentioned in that article that some people really do seem to be gifted to be support, and if we respond to that support by wanting to provide support later on, we too may be gifted to give that support. Not everyone has this gift of merciful shepherding.

There is a point to be made around those who constantly crave care. There are those who prove addicted to care. They’re characterised by the need for care.

This is draining on anyone who’s in the caring role, no matter our heart or gifting for caring. We all have finite resources.

The person needing support has either a heart of gratitude for the support they receive, or they don’t, and they can even show up for support with the intent of entitlement that we provide care. We can determine this is the case by how guilty we may be made to feel for instituting boundaries.

The old adage of, “Give a tough job to a busy person and they’ll get it done,” is hugely pertinent here. If we’re empathetic people, we’ll naturally and normally be in the role of support person, unless we’re in a season of needing support ourselves. 

The point is, those who are not empathetic discern the empath with precise accuracy.

This is a trigger for any of us given the support role to determine when someone is behaving narcissistically, i.e. they feel ENTITLED to our time, resources, effort, money, etc. Not only that, they will EXPLOIT anything we give them, and they will never usually feel any EMPATHY for where we’re at. And even if they do apologise for any infraction they make, it can so often be that their heart isn’t really oriented toward remorse. We need to be cautious with those who give apologies and quickly want to move on.

Anyone is entitled to a portion of support, but that support can’t be demanded from us. If we ourselves can’t provide the support, it’s up to the person needing support to get it elsewhere. It’s not our responsibility; it’s theirs. And it is never a wise idea to be a sole supporter of a person. That sets up co-dependency that narcissists love to exploit.

A person with the right heart who requires support in their loss will take responsibility to establish a broad base of support and they’ll take responsibility for their journey to recovery. Recovery is one of the toughest times in our lives, but we can’t shirk the tasks, which is about owning each step, however tough that is.

Providing and receiving support is always a tenuous journey loaded with potential for conflict. We do need to care for ourselves first, or we’re no good to anyone.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash