The pulsating question that goes on in the hearts of those who have suffered at the hands of others is, does this person who has hurt me bear the true signs of remorse for their sin? And, isn’t that such a reasonable and necessary question to ask?
Too many people are placed in situations where they really must ask whether this person is serious or not. Although I suppose it is better to be in a situation to be asking this question than to be in a situation where the person who has hurt them completely denies any wrongdoing. When a person bears responsibility, that is a very good start. When people deny any wrongdoing, they’re on another scale altogether of betrayal beyond mere disappointment. But it is clear that the disappointment that comes with being constantly let down by promises that cannot be kept is a significant betrayal in itself.
Here are five signs that a person bears true remorse for their sin:
1. there is an unconditional admission for the role they played, and the wrongdoing that they did. There are no excuses made for their part in what went wrong, and there are no signs of them looking for someone else to blame. Indeed, they are sticking to getting the log out of their own eye. They are not interested at all in getting the speck out of another person’s eye
2. there is an unconditional apology made, where not only the words are said — “I’m sorry” — but their whole demeanour follows, suggesting they are truly and mortally sorry. And they staysorry! They don’t wait on your response to forgive them. Their apology is not dependent on your forgiveness. It’s not just the words, nor the tears, nor the empty promises for change, but what comes is a heartfelt decision underpinned by an unconditional apology that bears full responsibility for the wrong they did—all of it
3. there is an unconditional acceptance of the consequences that come, and that they are at the mercy of the person they hurt. This is where maximum trust is shown, as a person begins to understand and accept the full gravity of what they have done. This sort of thing doesn’t come without much remorse, and the heart behind such an acceptance can often be enough to sway the betrayed to give the person a second chance. (Before doing so, however, be counselled by point 5 below, otherwise you may be duped)
4. there is an unconditional asking of forgiveness, where the person that did the hurt is at the complete mercy of the one they seek forgiveness from. And in this regard, they stay in this servitude, meaning that if they are forgiven, they stay in service to that person, ensuring they never hurt them again the way they did. Asking for forgiveness without trying to manipulate it out of someone, which happens far too often, is the ultimate in trust that a damaged relationship can be restored. Where one is forgiven, however, there needs to be the assurance that the hurt that was done will never happen again — that’s the level of commitment required, otherwise the forgiveness isn’t respected and it isn’t deserved
5. there is an unconditional commitment to alter one’s behaviour, such that the fullness of repentance can be seen, to the extent that there is short-, medium-, and long-term commitment to change. The bones of a good apology are comprised in the above steps, but without true repentance, which is changed behaviour, a changed attitude, from a transformed heart, there is no flesh on the promise. Promises are futile unless they’re kept. In changed behaviour, we have proof that the apology was real.
Anyone who has been betrayed in a significant way requires an effective apology that shows the appropriate signs of brokenness for sin. They need to know in their heart of hearts that the person deserves a second chance, and it is only their heart they can be convinced. It is not a fait accompli that apologies require second chances. That is up to the person who is being apologised to. There is such a thing as forgiveness without trust, and whilst trust depicts a completely restored relationship, forgiveness signifies hurts are no longer held without the requirement that trust be restored.
Acknowledgement: PeaceWise, whom I work for, teaches these principles to people of all ages from 4 years of age and up.
Photo by Ruben Mishchuk on Unsplash
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