What’s happening when boundaries are exhausting?

Not many people would disagree with the fact that the best relationships are the ones where there is no need of boundaries.  Unfortunately, we can come to expect that all our relationships will need them.  But think of the best relationships you’ve ever had.  They didn’t and don’t need boundaries at all.

You might be confused at this point, thinking, “Is it even possible to have a relationship with another person, any kind of relationship, where there isn’t the need of boundaries?”

There are people who do exist only as a blessing.  Perhaps these ones, when they do get it wrong are very prompt to apologise, and you’ll always feel heard and respected.  You know deep down, that even if they aren’t perfect, they are trustworthy.  They genuinely treat you as they would wish to be treated.

We’re all prepared to live with imperfect people provided they acknowledge their imperfections, because we ourselves acknowledge, when we are honest, that we are far from perfect ourselves.  It’s the acknowledgement, and the abiding in truth, we need to see, and that others need to see in us.

This is where boundaries come into their own.

The very need of boundaries signals something very important for us to become aware of in our relationships.  Where we are continually constructing new boundaries, or where there is a constant need to reinforce boundaries, there is a deeper problem, a deeper crisis.  In relationships where boundaries are the main issue, the very need of boundaries heralds a revelation.

Have you noticed that continually constructing or reinforcing boundaries leaves you weary and fatigued?  Whenever we are consumed mentally and emotionally about the boundaries we need in a relationship, it’s not the boundaries that are the real issue.  At source, there’s a deeper narrative to plug into.

Sometimes we are prepared to fall for a lie, that boundaries in this case are necessary in all our relationships, because human behaviour is inherently dark and selfish.  Sure, we do need to communicate our needs as we help the people we relate with understand our needs.  But if we are communicating ad infinitum and ad nauseam, we are unconsciously enabling some of the bad behaviour.  What we are really saying is it’s okay to disrespect the boundary.

As we consider the boundaries that are regularly broken, whether we are promised better behaviour or not is beside the point.  The very fact that the boundaries are constantly crossed tells us that they aren’t boundaries.  They may be set up as boundaries, but they are not functioning as boundaries.

Boundaries give us insight into and about our relationships.  The more we need to reinforce the boundaries, the more frustrated and tired we get, the more information we are provided about the trajectory of a relationship.  Relationships like this are unsustainable.

Inevitably we may arrive in the valley of decision.  If boundaries haven’t worked, we have the option of change.  Sometimes the possibility of change is enough to cause people to consider the initial boundaries more seriously.  Sometimes other people need to live in the reality that things are changing because of their own actions.  Consequences.

Consequences are powerful motivators, and perhaps the lack of consequences up until now has been a big part of the problem.  Consequences in and of themselves are powerful boundaries.  Consequences are a firm boundary line, and many people won’t take boundaries seriously until there are consequences.

You might think that consequences will take a lot of courage to implement.  Rather than courage, perhaps tenacity is more the quality required.  Such firmness of mind can feel harsh to empathetic people, but firmness of mind with empathy is wisdom, and in the context of relationships, loving and fair overall.

We only get to this position of considering consequences having already tried and failed with boundaries.  It was always worth the effort, because we had to see with our own eyes that the boundaries weren’t respected.  A powerful message received that can no longer be ignored.

Photo by Abbie Bernet on Unsplash