The subject comes up very regularly in counselling: what do I look for in a good mentor? The reason the question comes up is the importance is more fully appreciated of people who will call us to a higher standard of living. That is, people who help us to grow becomes increasingly pertinent.
It reminds me of the choicest wisdom that I received nearly 20 years ago from an unlikely source: we are either growing or receding in life and there is no plateau. Even if we feel we plateau, we are actually receding. If we make little or no effort to grow spiritually, we will actually go backwards. But if we enter into a course of study, or we do something with strategic intention, and it has wisdom about it, we will most certainly grow. Mentoring works to augment growth.
These are seven great qualities of mentors worth having:
1. They don’t mind being observed. Some of the best mentors we don’t even need to know, we can just observe them and mimic their qualities. In this way, we can be mentored by anyone we can observe, and they can even live on the other side of the planet. But those who are close to us, those we invite into our lives, will need to be available and willing.
2. They are most of the time older and wiser. They are superior to us in most if not all ways, and just about everything they do we could learn something from. It is sincerely hoped that we don’t learn from them their current mistakes but from their past mistakes, and yet there is humility to observe in seeing how they deal with a failure.
3. They will support your growth in every way they can. This means they will not only help in the areas they can help, but they will quickly refer us on to others who are better than they are if we need it. This means our mentor is themselves well-connected, and it shows us how well they assess and appreciate skill, knowledge and experience in others, and how much they want to support our growth.
4. They are available. It seems obvious, but in this busy life, people may have all the best intentions in the world, but if they don’t make time, the mentoring doesn’t happen. The interesting thing about mentoring is the mentor benefits as much as the person being mentored. The teacher learns twice.
5. They maintain the tension between being a friend and being a coach. I think the best mentors have that beautiful knack of being able to be our friend as well as being our leader. This demands humility on the one hand and the ability to speak truth on the other.
6. They strive to give more than they are expected to give. In this way, they model qualities of generosity, kindness and thoughtfulness that we leverage off spiritually. This giving might be relatively small, but it is just what we need, and they may often know what we need before we know it. The relationship is about them serving us through their leading us.
7. They can be a spiritual father/mother (no connotations to bad parent figures). Occasionally I get to hear how parents may have failed the adults that I get to see. The mentor has a unique opportunity to be a real spiritual father or mother to the person they mentor. This means they are characterised as being gentle and patient, and can be relied upon to listen, and to walk alongside. They do not exert any kind of manipulation or any sense of control. Yet, they are genuinely interested in our wellbeing to the degree that they will simply and regularly ask us how we’re going.
Now we’ve dealt with the good qualities, here are some things to be watchful for in a prospective mentor:
1. They give unsolicited advice. It may have worked half a century ago (actually much longer back than that), but it won’t work now. Most of the time, probably all the time actually, whenever anybody gives us advice that we are not looking for, it won’t be appreciated. People who give unsolicited advice tend to be socially undisciplined and/or deluded (thinking they have something to offer when they probably haven’t).
2. They have poor perception and some strange views. It’s no good if we are continually needing to filter what we see and hear, no matter some of their good qualities. Or, we learn pretty quickly we can’t trust their perception, and their guidance clearly isn’t good.
3. We don’t feel safe with them. It might seem really obvious, this one, but if we don’t feel comfortable being ourselves around them, it’s pointless being in a mentoring relationship with them, because we won’t grow unless we can be ourselves. The flipside is if they feel deeply within themselves that we need to change, there may be the wrong drive and motivation in their help.
4. They don’t have the blessing of others we look up to. This is really important, because if we are in a mentoring relationship with someone that others we respect within our life don’t agree with, we will be in constant conflict about the relationship. This is about trusting the guidance of others we really respect. This, however, is not an excuse for others to control us, just because they don’t agree.
5. They are self-designated mentors. A mentoring arrangement is always sought out, or in the professional setting they are allocated. They are never self-designated. Some people want to lord it over us and may use every opportunity they get to be a leader over us. This is not likely to win our respect.
6. You feel worried you will disappoint them. Good mentors know that it isn’t about them, and the performance of those they mentor is not always a reflection on their mentoring. Mentors who are overly worried about how those they mentor perform possibly have issues around fear, anger or shame.
7. Your gut tells you something’s not quite right. If only we would listen to our gut a little more often. This is discernment. If we feel something isn’t quite right, besides praying to God for confirmation, it is advisable to ask wise and trusted others for insight. For the spiritually attuned, the gut isn’t often wrong.
Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.