Without this one thing, relationships don’t stand a chance

I think the most important thing in a marriage is the issue of power differential.  What I mean by that is ideally both partners in a marriage have equal power.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a necessity for the contentment of both.

It means equal access to resources, equal ability to make decisions, equal ability to think, equal space to think and to express themselves, and equal footing for the raising of issues, and that they be discussed.

It means having equivalent time and money and other resources, and where there isn’t that kind of equivalency, for the more powerful partner, the one more equipped or better resourced, to ensure that their more vulnerable spouse is afforded whatever gap there is.

Love recognises the gap and fills it.

I believe that love is expressed in ways that equalise these power differentials that occur in all human relationships.  This is not just about marriages, but marriages are central to these tenets.  

If only the person who is most equipped and resourced in a relationship will make a way for those who are more vulnerable.  Those who do this do what God would do if God were human as Jesus was.

This ushers into reality the idea of relational equivalency.  Anyone who is less well positioned will have a way made for them, so their needs are met, so there is equivalency, person to person, in the relationship.

Having our rights met is one thing.  Having our expectations catered for, or heaven knows — exceeded — really speaks volumes for a miracle these days; the manifestation of equivalency.

Think about how genuinely rare it is that someone who is more powerful than you are, more equipped, better resourced, supremely positioned compared to where you’re at, who then makes a way, who becomes a little lower so that you might rise a little higher. 

Whenever we feel we are not equal with the person we are in a relationship with we feel exposed and vulnerable, and of course, we are exposed and vulnerable, and all it takes is for the person who has more power and more access to resources to exploit that advantage, and we have a situation of abuse on our hands.

But love equalises power differentials.  Love sees its advantage and wants to gift to the other person the gap that exists.  Love does not seek for itself.  Love wants to give to the other where the other lacks.  Love has the capacity to see what the other lacks and love fills the breach.  Love grieves when others lack when all it would take is for love to do what love does.

Let’s finish on the terms of the marriage relationship.

If only two who are united before God in a way to be equal can be equal to each other, to want the same for the other, and for the more powerful one in any situation — for, there is always a power differential — to give to the other what the other needs from them, then we have the very best of relationship.

The most important factor in relationship counselling is determining and equalising the power differential.  This is done as a catalyst for training them both; the stronger one to make holy room for the vulnerable one, and for the vulnerable one to gently insist on this relational fairness.

One of the first things I must observe in the therapeutic space between a couple is how they deal with power.

If the more powerful one in any relational dynamic doesn’t freely offer that power back to their less powerful spouse in that dynamic they do not engage in the practice of love.

And I believe it’s good for the less powerful spouse to gently insist their needs be considered.  I want to see this push-pull in the counselling room, and I’m looking for it — power being offered as a gift, the stronger to the weaker, just as the weaker one is saying, “You’re better equipped, so love me by giving to me what I lack, because you’re the only one who can give it to me.”

Nobody ought to have the lion’s share of favour in a relationship.  By virtue of the concept of true relationship equality is a given.  There will always be injustice in every human relationship that bears a power differential.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash