Overcoming guilt for staying in an abusive relationship too long

The sole purpose of this article is to provide reason and rationale for why we stay in abusive relationships too long.  When we understand why we stayed, we have empathy for ourselves, the guilt may reduce, and a semblance of acceptance may come.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t unintended consequences, for there almost certainly will be, but the beauty of acceptance is we can walk forth into the rest of our lives having made the best of it.  What this means is we can resolve to put regrettable parts of our lives down to learning.  They taught us something.

Almost without exception there are multiple facts that are relevant to staying too long in an abusive relationship, and several that will apply for any one person.

The main point I want to make is, people stay for a convoluted set of reasons, and it’s never simply for convenience, even if at times there are of course some elements of what suits the person to stay.  Staying will suit some needs, no doubt.

The first one is the fact that rarely do people see in the moment what they see in hindsight.  Everyone’s a great judge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, but the fact is we’re not equipped with it, so why do we hold ourselves to such an impossible standard.

The second fact is so often victims of abuse are strung along captive to their abuser.  There is a combination of manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, deflection, coercion, and intimidation, among other factors going on, and this makes things very confusing.

The third fact is, specifically, there is a cycle of the abuser showing hope only to dash those hopes like they always do — “They’re changing... not they’re not... yes they are, no they’re not...”  The push-pull of the abuse cycle makes victims feel crazy.

Then fourthly there are the really, really obvious things like finance and the logistical ability to leave might be seriously curtailed by sheer lack of funds and access to other resources.

These are just four.  [Add more in comments]

Those who stay in a toxic relationship for longer than they should — and that’s almost a universal reality — usually have a lot of guilt to live with: “I put up with it!”  “Therefore, I’m partly to blame.”  “Look what I put others through because of this recalcitrant.”  Not at all.  When the only person to blame is you it’s all wrong because we’re talking a relational system.  The abuser is mostly if not entirely to blame, especially where there is coercive control featured.

Overcoming guilt for staying too long is helped when people realise the complexity of leaving; detailed plans are required, a fair bit of cooperation, support, etc, and a thousand more dynamics.  I think we need to more fully understand the overall scope of the situation and all its myriad complexities.

Understanding is needed for the fact that whether a person stays or leaves both decisions are costly. Both decisions are best avoided — or at least it feels that way.

Realistically the recovery work can only begin when the survivor of the abuse and their children are safe.  They need to be safe and stable before they can work on strength.  This all takes time, but victims must be free first.

A person who feels guilty for making the wrong call on a relationship is helped by imagining they continued in the relationship for understandable reasons; reasons most people stay too long.  They’re helped also by the fact that they didn’t know these things the other person has done all along.  It’s only afterwards, when the abused person is out of the toxic relational system, that the fog lifts.

If most people stay too long in an unsafe relationship, we can understand it.  They were not at their best, most confident selves.  They didn’t know earlier what they know now.  And there are so many other things.

Acknowledgement to Psalm 82 Initiative for the inspiration behind this article.

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash