Why is it that there has been so much silence on abuse?

People know it’s a risk to get involved in abuse — to get in the middle of it and advocate — so, very sadly, it’s the default to notice something’s not quite right and to make the choice to move on without saying or doing anything.  But what did the Good Samaritan do?  He got involved.

There are just as many, however, who don’t get involved, because they don’t see it.  They haven’t truly been awakened to it.  And many don’t want to see it.  It doesn’t pay to see it.

Have you noticed how many high-profile voices in the world and the church who have recently become vocal about abuse, becoming advocates, in the past 2-3 years (since #MeToo and #ChurchToo) started?

It’s because they’d have been the awkward outlier beforehand.  It may have affected their ‘platform’.  Though they had seen what they’d seen, society’s views on abuse had gaslighted them into silence, because society had previously said, “Nothing to see there in this [abuse] space!”

But more and more churches are talking about it, there’s a higher profile on domestic violence, organisations like GRACE are gaining more prominence, and I mention GRACE because like so many advocacy organisations and writers the proper place of prominence has been a long time coming — given over 20 percent of people are child sexual abuse survivors.  There is more space for a speaker and writer like, Diane Langberg PhD, who has given her life to the service of the abused and traumatised.  And there is a litany of others who have lent their experiences of abuse to the cause for the broken.

There is silence in the midst of abuse for many reasons; some of which are as follows:

§     Do you really want to call attention to it and call attention to yourself?  Because we all know once we make a decision to stand for the truth we see, we paint a target on OUR back.  For the abuser, it’s personal, and advocating in abuse situations draws the ire of the one who thinks we have audacity for standing up to their nonsense.

§     Do you get in the middle and advocate for the powerless when every force within you is saying, “Don’t get involved!”  Praise God that some cannot bow to injustice or cowardice.

§     When a person is alleged to have abused a person, and they’ve done all kinds of good things, or they’re a ‘good person’, do you want to be the one to pour acid on their party?

§     Will you really risk all your relationships when it comes out that you’re ‘attacking’ someone for what they’ve done to you?  Don’t hesitate to acknowledge that all the relationships that pivot around the one who did the abuse will change.  Many will question your motives.

§     When you feel everyone has changed their views about you because of what you’ve done to lift the lid, you will notice that their silence is deafening.  It says a very great deal, and that message is never flattering.  Ambivalence is always more than what it seems.

§     You might think you’ve questioned yourself and your wisdom in previous times; questioning yourself and your wisdom is never more under the microscope than when you’ve made an allegation.  This proves nothing more than you’ve got a conscience, but the paradox is our conscience gaslights us in the midst of silence from the throng.

§     If questioning yourself is to be expected, then you might as well try on a good portion of doubting to throw in for the bargain.  When you begin to ask yourself, “Did it really happen?” and “Was it really that bad?” and you know that it both did happen and it was that bad, you feel you’re at war with yourself.

§     Friends will find themselves being forced to choose a side.  This alone is cause for silence in many, because it becomes too big a call to make — whose friendship do I lose, and what do I stand to lose?  Unfortunately for many, justice doesn’t pay as handsomely as comfort does.  On contentious issues like abuse, it’s always easier to pick nobody’s ‘side’ and to simply appear impartial.  But when it comes to abuse, this is a further blight on the damaged party.

§     The loss of friendship and family relationships, or just the thought of potential for those kinds of losses, keeps us silent.  It can become too big a bridge to cross; to big a canyon to jump.

§     And finally, in too many cases, the abused are gagged...

These are just a few of the reasons.

Notwithstanding all these reasons, it is hoped you’re not dissuaded from testifying truthfully.  So many survivors cannot face tomorrow without accounting for today.

Photo by Maria Krisanova on Unsplash