Bullies always work in twos

I saw it again today plain as day, three kids, two against one.  It was subtle, about as subtle as a sledgehammer, really.  But still, to uneducated eyes it comes across as, “There’s something wrong with you,” when it’s actually clearest that there’s, “Something wrong with them.”

The scenario I saw was easier to see because it involved kids.  When adults ‘play’, or when kids are pathological, it gets murky.  Who am I fooling?  All bullying is pathological.

Why?  Because it’s intentional, and we know it’s intentional because it’s repeated.  The behaviour isn’t just nasty once off and then, “Let’s be friends,” or “Oh, I’m sorry for my unkindness.”  No, it’s repetitive, continual, a pattern of horrid behaviour.

Time and again, targets of bullying are held in the sights of the malevolent.  And whether it’s two bullies or just one with an enabler doesn’t matter.  Two against one is generally how it rolls.

The enabler plays an important role either egging the bully on, covering for them, or by playing favourites so the bullied have genuine cause to doubt it’s bullying—much to the extent that the bullied person feels “it’s my fault.”

This way, the bully sets their heart to get into their target’s mind.

Bullies never work alone.  Imagine a bully without support in some way—whether that support is active or passive is inconsequential.  The bully doesn’t have the gumption required to attack one for one, unless there’s a decided power imbalance, and yet when there’s a power imbalance, it’s more likely they’ll draw support from those who don’t want to upset the applecart.

So you can see the cowardice in the bully—they don’t compete on equal terms.  There is always the need to guarantee the win.  And because they’re inherently malicious, when the bullied person will settle for any semblance of peace, the bully is still busy scheming.  To interact on equal terms is far too much of a threat to the bully, because they’re so full of fear.

There’s no rest for the bullied, and this is a huge problem, because anxiety becomes them even in the absence of the bullying or the bully.  The bully ensures there is NO rest for their target.

Changing the dynamics is important for the person being bullied.

The bully needs a somewhat static target.  Changing environments is key when things get toxic.  No plant grows in a poisonous garden, and we human beings are the same.

We cannot grow in places where our bodies sense the tension of an attack that always comes by surprise.  Not only can we not grow, so often we cannot survive.

We may ask ourselves, “What on earth motivates the bully to behave so reprehensibly?”  It bamboozles us.  And we can be thankful if it does.  If there’s no capacity in us to deal spitefully then that’s a very good thing.

Bullies always work in twos, whether by number or pressure or power.  They always work the advantages but blessed are any of us that never do.

The only way to live the right life is by never insisting on the advantages, but by working to enable those who are disadvantaged to get advantage.  Whenever we do this, God confirms this as right in our hearts.  Better to be the bullied than be the bully, always, but better when we stand alongside the bullied so they know they have a friend.

Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy in marriage

Along the meandering lifelong path that is marriage there are bound to be periods that test the marital bond.  If we consider that time, the changing situations of life, individual mental health, and two people with two sets of experiences, as just a few variables, apart from the fact that there are inherent challenges to intimacy, we can see why remaining happy in marriage can be tricky.

But let’s suppose there is either a reason trust is broken or that trust has waned over time.

It can definitely feel as if it’s only your own marriage that is under pressure, as that couple bond is stretched, conflict forms more often, and individual preferences and activities begin to prevail—or continue to reign.  We easily forget that many couples struggle for intimacy.

Honesty is the vital ingredient of intimacy, but that requires courage and trust, even as honesty offers something that may not be returned.  But honesty needs to be underpinned by a heart for the partner.  It’s not about being honest for our own gain; it’s about being honest for the relationship’s gain.  

Honesty’s not telling it “As it is” for my benefit, it’s telling it as it is for our partner’s benefit—i.e., it’s being truthful with our partner.  Such is the bilateral nature of marriage, truth begets truth, but if only one is being truthful, it’s unfair on the truth-teller.  Their sacrifice is for nothing.

Honesty offers an olive branch in faith, and says, “I want to show you who I am, and I invite you to show me who you are.”  Honesty presumes that the other will match honesty for honesty.  Honesty is the sacrifice required for love to shine.  Now, if a partner won’t return honesty for honesty, the faith extended is betrayed.

But if the relationship has suffered any significant damage, or intimacy has been missing for a time, honesty when it really counts can seem too much of a risk.  Trust can only be rebuilt through consistent offerings of self-sacrificing honesty, especially on the part of the transgressor.

Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy in marriage isn’t hard, but it does require commitment from both partners in first their acknowledgement that it’s lacking, and secondly that they see it as the lifeforce they need and are missing out on.

The truth is, we don’t feel any of the benefits of love, like feeling close to our partner, and deriving joy from being with them and in partnership with them, unless we’re prepared to make the sacrifices to show love—and that’s honesty.

When a couple has that moment where there’s freedom for honesty, where there’s reward for the faith shown in telling the truth, there’s no judgment and no condemnation for how things are.  This is intimacy.  It’s the intimacy we all crave in our coupled relationships.

As in all relationships, intimacy’s supreme moment is safety in being able to be completely honest in the relationship.

Marriage without intimacy can feel like you have something that you don’t have.  It can feel like you’ve lost something that tantalisingly remains, if only in hope.

Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy is worth the work, but it does require both partners to desire it and to do that work.

Leader, you’re not always right

In my first article—Parent, you’re not always right—I described a situation where a conflict occurred in our household, and the moral to that story was it took someone brave enough to intervene, to BE the circuit-breaker, to intervene in speaking the truth in love, to inspire a redemptive action—a peacemaking conversation—so that justice could be done; a more powerful person (me, the father) apologising to a less powerful person (my son) because it was right and just to do so.

Power dynamics are always where conflict runs awry.

In a perfect world there would be no power differential and there would certainly be no misuse of power.  In a perfect fallen world, it would be great if the powerful always had the humility and courage to honour the truth wherever and however they fail the less powerful—to always respect the power differential and to never misuse their power.

I want to focus here on the three roles highlighted in the first article:

1.             The powerful person who wrongs the less powerful person

2.             The less powerful person who is wronged

3.             The bystander who bears truthful witness to the wrong that was done

In all conflict situations, and certainly in many issues of abuse, especially where there’s been attempts made to glean justice for the wrongs done, there is the bystander.  This person who knows what has been done enables abuse when they stand-by and do nothing in the face of what would otherwise be a great opportunity to broker reconciliation.

Peacekeepers are not peacemakers.  Peacekeepers will stand by and do nothing.  Peacemakers will speak the truth and they keep lines open for reconciliation because they speak their truth in love.

At the very least, a person needs to trust that their calling another to account—presuming they know both well enough to care—might just be enough to cause them to repent.  Their obligation is to try.

~

Finally, as the article title suggests, leaders aren’t always right, and therefore shouldn’t always behave as if they are—that they always have the right of the final word.  Besides, what really sets the great leaders apart from the also-rans is their ability to graciously deal with those who are wrong.  The best leaders lift people, yes, that’s all people, especially those who are under them in terms of power.

The best of leaders routinely stand in the gap where there is a lack of respect to restore the balance of dignity that’s lacking.  It’s a positively regal quality of the inspiring leader that we’re all called to aspire to; to be a leader everyone would want to not only follow but to be genuinely associated with. 

But what’s most important to recognise is the leader is not always right.

Even if they have the loudest voice, and can drown out every other cry for justice, they’re not vindicated because they have a megaphone in their hand and others don’t.

That’s what happens in abuse situations as the leader uses their superior leverage to “DARVO” and gaslight the weaker party to make of them a nemesis.

In effect, this selfish leader uses their influence for their own gain and to further protect themselves from being held accountable for their contemptable actions that has further deprived the one with less power recourse to the power that might vindicate them to a worthy justice.

And there is always the enabler/s who avail to the selfish leader safe avenue to corrupt power.

The greatest temptation of a leader or anyone in a position of power is with those people and in those situations where they could get away with injustice.

The heart of the leader is what counts in those situations.  How they use their influence, how they deal with people and situations, is paramount, because not only is nothing done in private or in secret, it is reprehensible to do injustice with blatant intent.

Everything will be exposed.  So it is best to confess it now while we can.

But clearly exposure doesn’t threaten those who believe they’re beyond such vulnerability.  Leaders can feel they’re perfectly justified to adjudicate matters, and those that do also ensure there’s no recourse to review.

The leader who can hold tensions and always abide by what is right, including repairing relational situations where they’ve been wrong, are the only true leaders.

The bystander is either an enabler of justice or injustice.  It’s up to each of us in this role to be committed to speaking the truth while doing so in ways that promotes reconciliation.

NOTE: this is general advice, and it’s no statement about leaders in my context.

Parent, you’re not always right! – part 1

 

Things were going really well for us on the night in question—some great family time followed by a timely purchase of a new microwave (which Dad went down and sneakily bought!—the old one had been broken for months).  We had spent quality time beforehand and now we were setting up this new item in the kitchen.

Isn’t it strange how we hardly anticipate when things are about to go pear-shaped?

As I was packing everything up, having set it up, it was decided I’d put the old microwave outside onto the back patio and place the new box inside another room (so it can be played with at a later time—as a family, we really enjoy boxes ).

To get the microwave outside required carrying it through our small living room area, and floor is usually filled with toys and other items, and on this occasion, there was a game, a favourite (though fragile) toy of our son’s, and an iPad(!) on the floor.

In my traditional bull-at-a-gate fashion, I warned my son to quickly pick up the items as I was coming through.  (I gave him all of about 8.5 seconds to do this!)  In my typical over-confident manner, I picked up the old microwave and carried it over him and as I moved toward the door, my left foot trod on the fragile favourite toy of my son’s and it went ‘CRACK’ under my foot.  This toy is no bigger than the palm of your hand and it transforms from a number four to an aeroplane.

Immediately there were tears, and almost as immediately I felt that mixed up sense of guilt with self-righteousness—“I’m so sorry” with, “son, you should’ve picked it up beforehand!”

The next few minutes involved our son crying and avoiding me and my gentle lecturing, like, “there’s a good lesson in this,” and because it was his bedtime, I continued the routine.

Being an ‘investigator’ investigating some of the more serious fire and emergency services safety incidents, I felt perfectly ‘qualified’ to adjudicate here—but I wasn’t being heard.

My point was those toys and items should not have been left there to be stood on.

By now, my son had burrowed his head into the corner of his bed, and I had a proper view of his butt!  He was hearing none of my wisdom.  He wasn’t saying, “Thanks, but no thanks,” he was actually saying, “Go away.”

I kept trying to resolve it and I liked to think I was making some headway, before my wife poked me discretely and gently in the side, beckoning me to another room.  She simply whispered to me, “Should you have been carrying that big heavy thing over him where you couldn’t see where you were going?” That’s all she said.  It was all that was needed.  My heart responded.

Immediately I knew she had a point, and I’ve come to recognise that when Sarah speaks, it’s often the circuit-breaker we’ve been needing.

“And one more thing,” she said, seeing my response to correct the situation, “Use your quieter voice.”

Knowing I was wrong, AND being the committed peacemaker, I went straight up to my son’s room and said, now with a softer, calmer voice, “Okay darling, I need to apologise.”  Pausing for him to respond, I continued: “I should not have carried something heavy like that over you—that was unsafe—and in doing so, I couldn’t see where I was going, which was irresponsible of me.  I also didn’t give you any time to clean up.  What I could have done is helped you clean up quickly and got you to hold the door for me.  I am really sorry for doing that and breaking your transforming toy.  Would you forgive me?”

Immediately I said this, owning my responsibility with all my heart, he moved toward me and whispered that he was sorry, too.  Immediately, he took full responsibility for not having kept the area tidier.  “It wasn’t all your fault, Dad.  I forgive you.”

Our son is eight.  I learned when my daughters were growing up that those who are least powerful appreciate it all the more when bigger, grown-up people accept responsibility for their errors; not only does it model how they should live, it brings into being the wisdom that comes from justice—all humans are sensitive to justice and injustice.  The principle works throughout life.

I guess the point is, as parents we are power players in our households.  We might even lord it over our kids at times—come on, let’s be honest.  The main point is, when a parent apologises there is great power for change in the heart of the child—because they’ve experienced justice, and because they’ve seen that heart change in someone more powerful.

Power in relationships is best displayed in weakness.  When relational dynamics of the more powerful are depowered, those with less power are empowered to make good choices.  There is no better way to dignify another person than take away barriers to their making good choices.  When we parents (and power players in life) behave in ways that “do justice” we remove these barriers to good decision-making in others.  Justice is the way life should be; indeed, it’s the upside-down kingdom of Jesus!

Humility is best seen through the person with power as they honestly own their error.  It lifts the less powerful up, and ANY bad moment can be reconciled.

I’ve got more to say on the power relationship and the power of apology in the context of leadership in part 2, and I will also focus on the dynamic of the bystander (Sarah) in what is a most pivotal role.

You’re just the man I want to counsel

You’re the man I’ve encountered so many times, and indeed so many times have encountered in myself.  And I want to help you, as others have helped me.  Seriously, I do.

You don’t know this yet, because you haven’t experienced it—this new life—but I want to plead with you to do this journey by faith—I must plead with you, because you’ll hate every step of it at times.  You’ll think the world’s against you and that those who love you aren’t treating you right, but you must believe me: we ALL want what’s best for you.

You may be a husband and perhaps you’re a father too.  You rationalise the good things you’ve done, and you think that’s enough.  As you’re happy to settle for “good enough,” you secretly demand others do the same.  I say “demand” because nobody can really challenge you at this point in your life, because it’s your way or else.  Relationally, it’s absurdity.

Little do you know it or perhaps you inwardly do, you’re making life impossible for those who love you, those who don’t want to give up on you, those who are secretly praying there would be a heart change of humility take place within you.

I want to serve you, dear man, to help get you to that place where your heart has been renewed and humility overflows from within you, spilling out and into others lives.  Deep down, you, yourself, see the need of this miracle.

But you hold on to the old way with stubbornness.  The old way has got to go.

You’ve come to a precipice for such a time as this.  The crossroad is stark, bleak, and it evokes dread.  Suddenly, by circumstances beyond your control, you’re forced to choose between two ways of life—neither of which you’ve ever lived.

The way ahead is a brand-new way and that scares you to death if you’re honest enough to stop transferring your fear into anger, or worse rage, where those who love you walk on eggshells.

The truth is, if you’re anything like so many people, that is, people who keep rebelling against themselves, others, and life itself, you need to be brought to the valley of decision.

What seems like the worst reality of all—to have lost everything or to stare down a significant part of that reality—is actually the catalyst of the very best thing that could happen to you.

BUT.  This is the biggest BUT.

YOU.  Yes, you man.  It’s up to you.  Your strength will be gauged on whether your heart can submit to the work ahead of journeying humbly one step, one day at a time.  It takes tremendous humility to do that.  And everyone who knows you, and even as you know your present self, may doubt you have the fortitude to manage such a transition into a life that is so other-than what you’ve lived.

The key task: stay in YOUR stuff.

Of course, anyone can do it.  But it requires rigorous honesty and the ability to stay in YOUR stuff.  Indeed, that’s all that is required.  The moment you point the finger to blame another person is the moment you lose all power for change, and you regress back to who you’ve always been.

The key to your progress and transformation is staying in YOUR stuff, that is looking ONLY for your own negative contributions to conflict and relationships, confessing these, apologising, forgiving, reconciling, making amends.  That’s when you know you’re transformed.  When you LIVE that most if not all the time.

You’ll need mentors and accountability partners, and certainly nobody who will feel sorry for you, but people who can empathise whilst helping you stay in YOUR stuff.

I want to work with you.  I want to see the miracle happen in you that happened in me 18 years ago.  And please be assured, you can only do this journey with divine help, so I hope you’ll reach out and up.  I hope you’ll learn to listen, to consider what others are saying, and indeed that you truly begin to LIVE for others, for in that and in that alone is life.

If you read this and take this to heart, you’re the man I sincerely want to counsel.