Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy in marriage

Along the meandering lifelong path that is marriage there are bound to be periods that test the marital bond.  If we consider that time, the changing situations of life, individual mental health, and two people with two sets of experiences, as just a few variables, apart from the fact that there are inherent challenges to intimacy, we can see why remaining happy in marriage can be tricky.

But let’s suppose there is either a reason trust is broken or that trust has waned over time.

It can definitely feel as if it’s only your own marriage that is under pressure, as that couple bond is stretched, conflict forms more often, and individual preferences and activities begin to prevail—or continue to reign.  We easily forget that many couples struggle for intimacy.

Honesty is the vital ingredient of intimacy, but that requires courage and trust, even as honesty offers something that may not be returned.  But honesty needs to be underpinned by a heart for the partner.  It’s not about being honest for our own gain; it’s about being honest for the relationship’s gain.  

Honesty’s not telling it “As it is” for my benefit, it’s telling it as it is for our partner’s benefit—i.e., it’s being truthful with our partner.  Such is the bilateral nature of marriage, truth begets truth, but if only one is being truthful, it’s unfair on the truth-teller.  Their sacrifice is for nothing.

Honesty offers an olive branch in faith, and says, “I want to show you who I am, and I invite you to show me who you are.”  Honesty presumes that the other will match honesty for honesty.  Honesty is the sacrifice required for love to shine.  Now, if a partner won’t return honesty for honesty, the faith extended is betrayed.

But if the relationship has suffered any significant damage, or intimacy has been missing for a time, honesty when it really counts can seem too much of a risk.  Trust can only be rebuilt through consistent offerings of self-sacrificing honesty, especially on the part of the transgressor.

Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy in marriage isn’t hard, but it does require commitment from both partners in first their acknowledgement that it’s lacking, and secondly that they see it as the lifeforce they need and are missing out on.

The truth is, we don’t feel any of the benefits of love, like feeling close to our partner, and deriving joy from being with them and in partnership with them, unless we’re prepared to make the sacrifices to show love—and that’s honesty.

When a couple has that moment where there’s freedom for honesty, where there’s reward for the faith shown in telling the truth, there’s no judgment and no condemnation for how things are.  This is intimacy.  It’s the intimacy we all crave in our coupled relationships.

As in all relationships, intimacy’s supreme moment is safety in being able to be completely honest in the relationship.

Marriage without intimacy can feel like you have something that you don’t have.  It can feel like you’ve lost something that tantalisingly remains, if only in hope.

Rebuilding trust and growing intimacy is worth the work, but it does require both partners to desire it and to do that work.