Moments and Seasons of stress, fatigue, grief, depression, anxiety, etc, provide the
impetus to anger. What angers us is often not what it seems. The anger may be
an entrenched sadness, helplessness, or fear that is exposed. Such is the
nature of transference.
Much of our stress, fatigue, grief, depression, anxiety, etc we
may not even be aware of, because these are not the presenting issues. The issue presented is something that frustrates
us. The real issue is deeper and we are often aware of it later when we have
calmed down, and perhaps in our guilt we ask, “Why did I fly off the handle
like that?”
The most important question we can ask ourselves – in the moment
of our fury – is, “Wait a minute – what is really
the issue here?”
Of course, it takes significant self-awareness and self-control
to be aware enough to ask the question and restrained enough to abort the angry
action. But both areas of reaction can be improved and our responses can be
helped.
Becoming More Self-Aware
Knowing what we are dealing with presently – the knowledge of
our emotional and spiritual states – is such a great tool in the weaponry of forging
better relationships; both with ourselves and others.
When we are aware of stress, fatigue, grief, depression,
anxiety, etc we are able to be more checked and more conservative in our
responses. We are likelier to be gentler with ourselves. And we likelier to ask
the key question: “Wait a minute – what is really
the issue here?”
Becoming More Self-Controlled
There is no easy way of becoming more self-controlled. It’s
simply the matter of becoming more situationally patient. Although there is no
easy way to be more self-controlled, the good news is there is no complicated
solution. We just have to do it. At least if we are asking the question, “What is
really the issue here?” we have the
chance of holding ourselves to account.
Progress in becoming more self-controlled when it comes to anger
is a forwards/backwards land. There are signs of progress and there are signs
of regress. It’s best that we don’t judge ourselves too harshly. We do improve
our responses over time.
***
When we have the awareness to ask a simple question in the
moment of anger we have more chance of reigning in our response. When we ask “What
is going on?” we can pause long enough for higher-minded reason to kick in.
© 2014 S. J. Wickham.
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