A Christian response to covert narcissism

There is one encouragement of this era that many in the world are worried by, but just the same has a dangerous edge to it.  Society these days is less likely than ever to trust people who’ve held unchallenged power for a long time.  And this is for good reason — humanity’s true curse is a condition called Hubris Syndrome.

Too much of a good thing is too much of a good thing, and it can make good people bad.

TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE, ONE MORE COMMON

There is a big distinction between those who could be diagnosed by a qualified clinician as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and those who are best described as covert narcissists — people who live in their own private kingdoms of self, where their minions exist for their service.

Covert narcissists are still well along the NPD continuum, their grandiosity, lack of security, empathy and depth, and sense of entitlement are just not so obvious.  Except to those who know them well.

Narcissists of the former variety might be easier to spot out in public.  We might be like, “what the...” and even the covert narcissist will appear disgusted.  It’s not so with those who manicure a spotless image in the limelight but are quietly though destructively tyrannical in their most intimate settings.

Supervise, work with or for them or love them as your family member and you get to see who they really are.  Get to know people and you get to know people.  They’re fearful, controlling, manipulative, calculating, fabricating, vindictive, vengeful, and this is based on an entitlement mindset because they’ve adjusted to life getting their own way all the time.

Others exist either in servitude to them or as targets for their grooming behaviours.  Onlookers have the purpose of audience in the pantomime of the covert narcissist’s self.

THE CHARACTER OF COVERT NARCISSISM

Possibly the most discouraging fact is WHO are implicated in this dangerous habit.

They’re often the ones we’ve always looked up to — the ones, to their own detriment and those close to them, that have been put on a pedestal.  And it doesn’t need to be world acclamation.  It’s possibly a pedestal of a mother or father who has enabled the structures of that hard shell of nothingness within to form.  How many daughter-in-laws or son-in-laws never measured up?

But it’s most obvious in ‘heads’ of anything.  Those who hold unchallengeable positions in all forms of life.  Those who have a commanding front-of-stage presence, where the throng marvel at their constantly impressive feats, but where those back-of-stage live in the constancy of consternation — “How is it that the marvelling audience doesn’t see through the facade?”

The covert narcissist lives cosily within a house of cards, almost as if their constructed world is held up by the admiration of the majority who cannot or will not see the truth.

The covert narcissist cleverly massages the audience, always appearing at the pinnacle of integrity, whilst others who know the truth see the apostasy.  The contrast is truly astonishing.

RESPONDING TO OUR OWN HYPOCRISY

But there is one thing in this for all of us.  We all hold some power.  We’re all prone to not managing that power well.  And there are periods for us all where we behave narcissistically; perhaps most ironically when we’re lambasting the narcissist.

The only protection we have is our genuine faith in Christ as we embody the famous passage of Philippians 2:1-4 — especially ‘valuing others above ourselves’.  Sure, it’s what got the empath in trouble in the first place.  Better I think to be the empath who is abused than be the abuser who stands condemned in their behaviour.

The challenge for the one behaving narcissistically is to reverse that behaviour.  When we value others above ourselves there is a sure and certain result — we show the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, gentleness, self-control.

The opportunity before the one behaving narcissistically is to show the fruit of the Spirit.

The best and only appropriate response to the narcissist is to love them with the truth, full of the fruit of the Spirit.  We can be loving and not put up with garbage.  We can be resolutely joyful despite their shenanigans.  We can embody peace within as we kindly resist them.  We can attempt to be patient knowing beforehand they will confound us.  We can continue to be faithful before God.  We can stand for goodness amid tyranny.  Whenever we fail the gentleness and kindness tests, we can resolve not to beat ourselves up, and just repent and try again.  We can be self-controlled yet forgive ourselves when we react to abuse.  And if our lives get bad enough, we can show the ultimate resistance and leave the relationship.

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Wherever possible we might commit to endeavouring to help the person behaving narcissistically to see their harmful way.  Some will see.  And a few might work on it.  Rarely there will be recovery, but only where they take full responsibility.  Most will take it as an affront, and that is a clue that there is little to hope for.  But wherever we might shed light on their effect on people, there is opportunity for them to heed.  Wherever it is safe to do so.