The reason an empath cannot change a narcissist

The best practice of conflict resolution goes like this:

1) two reasonable parties can each see their OWN contribution to their impasse, because they’ve each got the humility to know they get it wrong AND they have the empathy to be able to see how it feels from the others’ viewpoint. 

2) they both take ownership of the conflict and meet each other on the way to the other, to talk it through, both being willing to apologise for what they did wrong. 

3) they’re quick to listen, slow to speak, and extra slow to anger, and believing for the relationship over the issue that divides them, they walk away together having resolved the issue/s and having re-committed to the relationship.

Marriages that regularly do this are a comparative rarity.  It’s the same with workplace relationships. Anywhere we get close to people, invariably we find there is one who gives more than the other does.

And when it’s a pattern that’s developed, as it so often is in relationships, the one who gives most if not all the time is the empath, and the one who takes most if not all the time is the narcissist.

We may wonder why this is, and how we can equalise the relationship dynamic so there is some more inherent fairness.  The empath deserves it, and the narcissist needs the accountability.

If the relationship cannot be made more equal, everyone loses, mostly the empath who puts up with a lot; too much in reality.  But really, everyone loses.

There is one thing the empath needs to know.  They want to believe they can influence the narcissist they’re in relationship with.  They too often believe they can.  Such a belief is admirable, but it most often idealistic. And this is a fatal error that keeps them in a forlorn relationship.

What the empath needs to know is the narcissist has an entitlement to exploit.  They feel entitled to exploit people.  They don’t see their treatment of the people in their lives as exploitation, because they feel entitled to exploit people and situations.  They see it as their right.  The reason?  They have no empathy; no capacity to feel as others feel, or care.

Now, for empaths, can this dynamic be seen?  It’s possible to see how anyone feels justified to treat people as they do.  For the narcissist, they won’t change because they feel perfectly justified to treat others as they do.

Remember, they have no empathy.  They have no capacity to feel as another person feels.  It may even be said or known that they don’t care what others feel.  Their interest is a maximum self-interest.  It’s all they see, feel, know, care about.  Nothing else matters.  They have no insight into others’ worlds.  And where there is no insight, there is no desire to change.  I mean, why would they?

You can’t reason with a person like this and they’re completely NOT made for relating with others.  All others can do is bear them patiently.  But in terms of intimate or working relationships, where there must be a sense of fair give-and-take — where each feels equal in the relationship — they don’t have the ability or capacity for such relationships.

The reason the empath cannot change the narcissist is they cannot shift or even influence their entitlement to exploit them because the narcissist cannot empathise with the empath.

It is that simple.

And in terms we began with, in best practice conflict resolution, both people can empathise with the other, and there is a desire in each to serve the other well.  They want to have a functional, enjoyable relationship where trust blossoms because of the mutual respect they share.  They see this — abundant life in their relationships — as their purpose in life.  They see the gospel aright.

Unfortunately for the empath — the one who contributes well in equal relationships with other empaths — they cannot shift or influence someone who cannot see how good things could be if only they were fairer in their dealings with others.

There is no chance of changing another person’s viewpoint when that person has no desire to understand other viewpoints.  All that matters is their own.

Unfortunately for empaths, other people’s viewpoints often matter more than even their own.  But when an empath can understand where that understanding won’t flow back to them, they’re able to develop boundaries, and when those don’t work, and they often don’t, options to terminate the relationship (where it’s possible) can be considered.

Relationships with narcissists are innately abusive.  Nobody wins when abuse is tolerated.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash