The cost of a narcissist in an abused person’s life

So many of our articles in the advocacy space revolve around the narcissist, yet much of the time we may lose sight of the actual cost borne on the abused person’s life. 

We call the abused person a survivor for a reason. They survive the presence of abuse, just as much as they survive onwards having escaped the abuse. But just as much in surviving abuse are the matters of the soul’s dying in the interim, and beyond as the survivor grapples with the plethora of twists and turns on their healing journey. And we must also never forget that MANY do not survive!

Let us not mistake this fact: some never heal. Others heal greatly, though there may well still be a lasting stain. Others seem to heal completely. And the unfortunate thing is those who recover least completely often judge themselves as not being enough, and worse, not doing enough, to heal. And this is wrong!

The process of healing is so individualistic and unique, because we are all different and have faced different situations and different tyrants and had different stressors and lived in different areas and were subject to different cultures and had different support systems and thought differently and all have different secondary abuse issues (for one such instance, friends not being friends) as well as a myriad of other factors, we all heal differently. (This last paragraph, which is one sentence, is structured as one sentence intentionally. I am trying to depict the vastness of this topic area.)

It’s a fact that abuse costs the survivor so very much that it could be in many cases incalculable, indeed in most cases, and possibly at some level in every single case.

The perpetrator of abuse wields their power in evil ways. And the shockwaves come to rest in the trauma of the victim. As evil power is spoken forth through word, gesture, action, and aggression forming into violence, it must inevitably come to a place where it lands. It washes up on the shores of the beach and it comes to rest. It blows in on the wind of a perpetrator’s being inconvenienced, and it leaves its devastating mark of mortal offence. It arrives in a letter box or at a post office box, perhaps thousands of miles away from its origin. It is sent as a glare and is received as a snare. It is despatched in disdain and is received in pain.

Just as not one word of God comes back void, so too does every word of evil have its toxic effect. The place where abuse comes to find its final resting place is trauma.

Trauma is costly. There is no way of overstating this. And yet there is every chance we can understate it. The ripple effect of trauma is catastrophic. It’s made its way into so many areas of our lives and it’s like a miasma out of a pit—it runs everywhere like water, but it is a fluid that is heavily acidic and caustic at the same time. It burns like hell.

The cost of the narcissist in any of our lives is too much. If we have any interest in loving others, of being the hands and feet of Jesus, and of being empathisers in our world, we ought to have a deep interest in protecting ourselves from deep relationships with malevolent people. We ought not to tolerate them. We can be kind in instituting our boundaries, with unapologetic assertiveness, which again we do not need to apologise for, even if they manipulate us by accusing us of bullying them. “Who started it, buddy? I’m choosing to finish it. Good day.”

The cost of a narcissist is too heavy a cost to bear. None of us can afford to be in a relationship with someone so destructive, but I also understand, and are realistic enough to know that, it isn’t that simple a lot of the time.

Read these words and feel my empathy for your situation. If you are dealing with what I think you are dealing with, you need the prayers of the angels in heaven and of all godly humanity, and by God’s decree you have them all.

Nothing that is done to you is unseen.

Nothing that you suffer is ignored nor is it for nothing.

But the best thing you can do in lessening the overall impact of the abuse that you have suffered, is to remove yourself from that situation, if you can as fast as you can. The cost otherwise is far too great and cannot even be counted.

~~~

One final ‘word’: partnering with a narcissist can often be a slow burn. Remember, you are an essential part of their diet. They need you. You are their supply. Without you giving them what they want—a reason to be angry, to feel superior, a financial lifeline, access to grandiosity, etc, etc, etc—they have no use for you. But, here’s the thing; they will structure the relationship such that you must provide these things.

Get out of the relationship. It’s your only chance. The slow burn will steal the joy you have, kill your soul, and destroy every hope you have of living a reasonable life.

Get this: the slow burn operates through the vacillation of flattery and abuse. If their occasional approval of you makes their abuse okay, it’s not just them that’s deluded. They have got you under their spell.

Photo by Kev Seto on Unsplash