What makes narcissists dangerous is their lack of insight

It is hard to establish what motives other people have, yet for a narcissist they neither have the interest nor the insight to be able to assess their own motives.  The former is a reproach upon the society they keep — they just don’t care — and the latter is a reproach on themselves — because they honestly believe that self-service is the will of God.  One is blind because they fully believe others exist for their pleasure, and the other is blind because they honestly feel that getting their own way is what God wants.

With Christian narcissists, we have a situation where the further a person goes from God whilst fully believing they are serving God, the more blind and the more dangerous they are.  They will fight tooth and nail to do what they believe God wants them to do, never really knowing God, and this is evidenced by them having no capacity to put others first.  There is neither the fruit of blessing others, even if there are facades available to convince others otherwise.

Let’s look at two different scenarios of the narcissist: the partner and the pastor or other leader.

THE NARCISSISTIC PASTOR OR LEADER

Read this quote:

“Oswald Chambers said, ‘A man can know the plan of salvation and preach like an archangel and not know God.’  When you know he knows God, it’s when his life is better than his preaching.”
— Diane Langberg, PhD.

Please read that quote again.  And again, if you need to.  Soak in its wisdom.

Our world is enamoured with pastors who preach winsomely and powerfully.  Yet Langberg turns it all upside down, just as the Lord Jesus would.  Jesus was disgusted by the showmanship in the Pharisees who would pray aloud and draw much attention to themselves.  Orators do not impress God; what impresses God is how the man or woman behaves behind closed doors.  The world would not be impressed by a pastor or leader who preaches an average message each week and yet cares for, loves and protects his or her family or flock (all of them); who is never an instrument of abuse.  But the average preacher who is diligently faithful delights God.  The less fancy we are trying to be, the more integrity we have.

There are many high-profile examples of pastors or leaders who have had amazingly successful ministries, and yet have left a swathe of torn up lives in their wake.  Just as much, and myriads more, unheard-of pastors and leaders who continue in ministry for decades have abused people.  The last thing any pastor or leader needs is an abundance of kudos for their stage presence amid other giftedness they bear, because it gives them the impression that their gifts equal the anointing of God, when the anointing of God — biblically speaking, as a shepherd of a flock — is much more about character than anything else.  Pastors or leaders who are fawned upon could much more benefit with a thorn in the flesh, as Paul put it in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, to prevent them from becoming conceited.

One phenomenon that is different between pastors and partners is the idea of support. We may presume that a narcissistic pastor is hailed a hero, especially where they serve within a narcissistic system, yet a narcissistic partner is known as a villain, for in the home, what you see is what you get, and there is no fan club between the abuser and the abused.

THE NARCISSISTIC PARTNER

Any partner who thinks they have an entitlement to exploit their spouse, their children, other family, their friends, even though they may deliberately do this, are spiritually blind, because they lack the awareness that should patently tell them that they are doing the wrong thing.

Where there are people in the life of this narcissistic partner who are trying to tell them to stop and to change, it is met with immediate and compelling resistance.  The more effort put into convincing a narcissistic partner they are doing it wrong, the more resistance the narcissistic partner will respond with.  It is a no-win situation.  They believe they have the right, and are entitled no less, to deal with situations and people as they please according to their own wisdom.  The narcissist puts down feedback about abuse as insolence, and the insolent pay double.  Further exploitation takes place.

The only hope the family has in the midst of a narcissistic partner or parent is for that partner or parent to see the error in and of their ways, and to repent.  Apologies need to be given and forgiveness sought, and some evidence of change, but the evidence of the narcissist is they will do no such thing.

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The more dangerous form of narcissism is that which, on the one hand is fed by a fan club of supply, yet on the other hand, cannot and will not see what others can see and report they see.  Both varieties are blind.  One cannot see and the other will not see.

Any Christian, let alone any leader, beyond being transformed by the conviction of the Holy Spirit that would compel them to repent, is simply not following Jesus.

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash