When a consistently demanding person is toxic

Have you noticed in a family or team or other environment that if you’ve got a toxic person in your midst, they require and even demand accommodations are made for them that aren’t extended to others?

The demands might not always be verbal, and indeed almost always aren’t, but the demands are there all the same.  

Sometimes those demands are that they get the floor when they choose, or they get to insist how things run, or they attempt to veto important decisions, failing to acknowledge the limits of their role and power, or the need to collaborate.  Decisions to be made are best done collaboratively or with respect for position and all stakeholders.

It’s how they use, misuse, or abuse their influence, always prepared to ride roughshod over others.

A key sign of a toxic person is they cannot or will not negotiate; they can’t be reasoned with.

They play by a completely different game, and it’s a game designed to deceive and conquer.

Key to negotiating is empathy; to put a foot into the other person’s camp.  A demanding person won’t empathise because they can’t or they can’t because they won’t—either way, it’s immaterial.

They cannot or will not swap out of their camp temporarily to see from others’ viewpoints.  It’s not how they operate.

And if it seems that there’s no choice for them than to show that they NEED to swap out of their camp into another person’s for a time—and that’s because the spotlight is on them in that particular way—there’s always consequences afterwards, in that others will pay for it when that scrutiny fades.

What’s required for the toxic person who clearly demands to be accommodated is assertiveness from others in being given the opportunity to conform.  But that’s not easy.  And this is the sign of who we’re dealing with, if they won’t conform and respect boundaries.  This is the clearest sign of whether a relationship is tenable or not.

This is why, especially in relationships, it’s best to say our no’s early so we establish as early on as possible if the word ‘no’ is going to present an issue.  Everyone should be on probation relationally until they prove they’re humble enough to transact with situations that don’t work their way.

Watch how toxic people may put on a front of humility but will always slide back into being demanding.

How people deal with disappointment is important in the landscape of relationships.  It’s not good and it’s a genuine concern if a person receives a reminder to respect a boundary and considers such a situation a betrayal—as if there’s an entitlement to behave as they choose.  It leaves the person merely setting their safe boundaries in a vulnerable position.

Consistent demand-making in relationships ought to be a genuine red flag.

I know from my peacemaking days that desires that become demands end up as attitudes of judgement and hence behaviours of punishment.  Themes like this make it very hard for relationships to function with fairness.

When a person demands their desires be accommodated, it leaves others in the shade, significantly disempowered, abused, and traumatised.

When people present these non-negotiable demands, it signals an important transition.  Such a ‘relationship’ is ultimately unworkable.