Why do you still not understand? / Why do you still not believe me?

One of the languages of apology is accepting responsibility—or a person demonstrating that they understand the depth and breadth of the hurt they caused.  And importantly, demonstrating (the operative word) this to the satisfaction of the party who was hurt.

This is where a lot of couples and others in conflict get stuck—one begs the other that they DO understand, while the other finds still more reasons why they don’t yet demonstrate that they do.

There are several problems that parties encounter along the path of understanding.

The more a person endeavours to convince another person that they do understand, and the more those attempts fail, the more tension is created.  This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  It’s good that both parties are tenacious enough to continue to try.  But it is also a negative.  The more those grooves of contempt are furrowed out of the ground in conflict, the more toxic the relationship dynamic is likely to become.

Sometimes, however, the hurt party just wants to move on, because they have the firm belief that the person that hurt them is the way they are, and they won’t change.  Only a changed heart could convince them, and that always and only comes out in unconditionally humble behaviour.

When we have the “why do you still not understand?” / “why do you still not believe me?” dichotomy operating, there needs to be a circuit breaker.

One or both parties need to be able to see the other side and move across temporarily.

I always advise people in the “why do you still not believe me?” camp to make the first move.  And STAY there.

Commitment toward understanding is only achieved in taking a consistent position.  Flip-flop and the other person has every reason to see it as manipulation.

If only a person who is seeking to be understood can understand the other person’s reticence, they endeavour to set out on a new path.  The old way hasn’t worked.  They plough in that field no longer.

Sometimes a person can feel as if they can’t possibly understand, and this is valid especially when they themselves accept that the hurts they caused are reprehensible.

But it’s still necessary to convey understanding, and this can only be achieved by going deep into the other person’s story.  This is about living for a time through the other person’s eyes, ears, head, and heart.  This is a deliberate move to depart from one’s own consciousness, to enter what it is possibly like for the other—and do that for as long as it takes.

The only way a person is going to convey that they genuinely understand is if they so own their own behaviour and attitudes that there is no room for defence or self-protection.  Put another way, this is about staying in the hurt of the other person and being able to stay in that place where all that matters, for this time and on this issue, is that they are vindicated.

I can tell you that this is a most powerful and resolute worldview to arrive at.  We never have more power for good than when we advocate for the person we hurt with absolute sincerity.

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If this is done and it still doesn’t work, there is the issue potentially of the hurt person being so hurt that there is no coming back.  Or that the hurt person cannot trust the person that hurt them even to the point of relinquishing acceptance that they may understand.

This is a pity for both, because extending forgiveness and being forgiven are crucial principles for life.  And yet, not all is lost, because we all have stories in our lives where we have not been able to forgive, and where we have not been forgiven, and yet we live on, hopefully having learned something.

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For each side of every story there is only one side of the truth.  Rarely, however, are there matters a conflict where two or more don’t play a part.  And I’m not talking about blatant abuse here, we are one side bears the responsibility.  I’m talking about two parties who could both turn toward the other.

For the person not being believed, the best thing they can do is step into the person’s shoes who is saying, “why do you still not understand?”  The only way peace is brought to bear is in the commencing of an honest search that demonstrates understanding.  It’s all anyone can do.

I’ve said it many times, that hopes for reconciliation rest on two positively and equally motivated parties who truly want that outcome and are so desperate to achieve it that they will move toward the other with consistent determination.  It takes two.

It takes two.  BUT, it’s the person who looks to the other side for what they’re not doing who reduces a potential two to one.  When another sees this behaviour, they lose heart.

We always must, for the hope of the relationship, STAY in our own stuff.

NOTE: all of this is posited from a place of discussing conflict in terms of two or more individuals/parties who are reasonable to deal with.  Situations of abuse are characterised by one party doing harm and this being compounded by never owning it which adds significant harm and trauma.  Also, above all, there is no place for couples counselling therapy where there is abuse within the relationship.  Individualised therapy can be targeted for abusers and for victims of abuse, but these are both highly specialised modalities—NEVER go to just ‘any’ counsellor where issues like this are present.