The biggest problem with “initial relationship success”

How many relationships—whether they’re romantic, professional, friendship, or otherwise—start out on such a great footing, both enamoured of the other, compliments and gushing of praise left, right, everywhere, but end up in the sewer?

They ended up either crashing because reality descended and one or both were seen for who they actually are—flawed human beings (as we all are)—or the power and the passion slowly withers and dies in irrelevancy for both.

Why is this?  Why does this come about?

We don’t enter relationships trusting the other person with WHO we actually are, typically.  Part of our worth is wrapped up in our image, and no matter how much integrity we have, we still put on some show, we all do.

But there are some who are ALL show.  They show none of what they truly are because they’re masters at masquerading.  They leave those of the rest of the population who masquerade 10 or 20 percent of the time in the shade.

The golden clue for those at the opposite end 
of the continuum is how charming they are.

The more charismatic someone is by personality, the more we ought to suspect something could be wrong.  And yet there are nuances in these times around a vulnerability that is strikingly charismatic—it’s been coined “fauxnerability” by Chuck DeGroat.  Yes, that most cherished part of a trustworthy personality—humility—has been weaponised in the grandest swindle known to humanity.

With basically 100 percent success, we enter relationships with people who are charismatic to their core and such a relationship will not be sustainable long term.  The masquerade has a use-by date.

Sooner or later, as we get closer and more intimate with a person, we get to see their foibles and that lack of authenticity with the original image is jarring to the perception.  They aren’t anything like they presented, and it disgusts us.

If someone presents to us an image of fauxnerability and we trust this as authentic vulnerability, we’ll feel all the more betrayed when the real intentions of their actions come to the fore.

This is the biggest challenge to us to NOT be like this.

Though we will find that true masquerading is a personality default in some; they have it mastered because it’s who they are.

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If we’re going to be charismatic in any way, let that charisma be merged with humble authenticity of 1) WYSIWYG or what-you-see-is-what-you-get, MERGED with 2) a character of trustworthiness and the fruit of the Spirit, which is loving, peaceable, gentle, kind, patient, faithful, and very much self-controlled.

The downside to focussing on NOT masquerading a false charisma is we’ll probably be more likely swooned by someone who is.  This is where boundaries come in.

Whether it’s romance, business, employment, friendship, family, or in any other realm of the relational sphere, be observant about how true and comfortable in their truth others are.  Some just aren’t and they present as not to be trusted for long-term meaningful relationship/partnership.  It’s fine if someone presents truly as someone who cares only for themselves—they’re easier to see and know.  But most people who care only for themselves know that people will reject them quickly if they’re authentic, so they masquerade with some charisma at least initially.

One of the key marks of a relationship success that endures is the capacity of both parties to apologise to the point of true humility in honouring the truth of what they personally did wrong.  This is the single biggest issue with relationship trust that fractures—a person cannot apologise.

We ought to be looking out for what’s becoming known as “decent but dull” people to do relationship with; that’s someone who has:

1.              the integrity of authenticity to trust who they really are with others

2.              the character exemplified by the fruit of the Spirit (loving, peaceable, gentle, kind, patient, faithful, and very much self-controlled)

There are those people out there, but they often present as “decent but dull” and they don’t stand out as attractive for relationship—if that’s what we’re looking for.

Being of good and trustworthy character is the best investment WE can make in our relationships.  Then we need to be shrewd and discerning when it comes to the business and personal relationships we enter into.  Charisma as I’ve pointed out can be an amber flag.