The imperative of forgiveness for hurting hearts

Life is toughest when conflicts abound, and hurts are compounded amid loss and grief.  Relationship breakdowns combine these nemeses, where we may quickly find the person we were closest to is now our mortal enemy.

If we don’t watch out, this person we once lived to die for becomes someone that consumes our thought-life for all the wrong reasons.  We may wish them away from our preoccupied minds all we want, but we just can’t get rid of the thought that they are there, from what they’ve done, and what they’re doing and may continue doing, and that they’ve got the temerity to prosper in life.

It takes honesty to admit that we wish the worst for our enemy; that person or people who has/have done us harm.  We can’t stop thinking about the justice we want visited against them.  Anyone who has not felt this way has never truly felt betrayed.

It’s about this time, especially as a Christian, where we seriously ask how can we forgive this person?  We understand others may not be interested in forgiveness, but as Christians we can’t get over the need to wrestle with our hurts and come to forgiveness.  Times like these we can genuinely loathe every verse in the Bible that preaches forgiveness—for instance, those that highlight the gospel imperative of God forgiving us which gives us power to forgive others as we’ve been forgiven.  We can highlight all those verses that speak about justice, but inevitably we can’t erase those verses to talk about forgiveness.  So, we keep wrestling.

It’s so hard to forgive people who have betrayed us.  It’s feels impossible to forgive when we can’t even wish them well.  When any sign that they are happy or succeeding in life is an affront.  When they refuse point-blank to acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, the damage they’ve done, and the trauma they’ve left in us.  Especially as they seem to get away with it, day in, day out.

But we must forgive for our own sake, and 
for the sake of all those we care about.

If we don’t forgive, we don’t give ourselves permission to move on with the rest of our lives, it’s just about a simple as that.  When we remain stuck in a place in the past, we consign others we care about to that place without hope, too.

When it’s divorce, what about the kids?  What about brothers and sisters in law, parents, friends, others?  The truth is the wheels of justice don’t turn on a wish.  There are many injustices in life that continue to be unjust.  So we need to find a way beyond what is a comprehensive unfairness.  If not for the person who betrayed us, it’s for all the others who hurt when we hurt.

Another thing we need to think about is when we pathologise someone, we see evil in them, and when we treat them as evil, we give them license to identify the evil in us.  Whenever we speak wrongly about others or ostracise them, we become part of the problem.

When we treat someone with grace, they may not reciprocate, but we have a much better chance of a cooperative relationship when we behave respectfully.  And cooperative relationships with people who have betrayed us are not only possible, but they’re also vital in our own growth.  We’re not talking about trusting relationships, but relationships where we work cooperatively for the sake of others who are dependent on a cooperative rapport—again, children.

Forgiveness helps us get to that place 
where we’ve overcome our anger.

When we forgive someone, we don’t necessarily let them off the consequences of their actions.  When we forgive, we don’t say what they did was just and okay and right.  When we forgive, all we are saying is, there is more to life and more to the future than the hurts of the past.

When we don’t forgive, we ultimately become bitter.  How do I know?  I’ve been there!

It’s okay to grieve bitterly, and to remain there for a very long time, but as we look back, it can seem such a waste of our time.  Yet, having said that, having prayed for years that the burden of bitterness would be lifted off our hearts, every day thereafter that we find mercy in our hearts for another sinner is a miracle.  It’s okay to take a long time to get there.  It’s not a race.

We endeavour to wrestle the hurt of bitterness to the floor called forgiveness.

NOTE: I literally know dozens if not a hundred or more people whose stories involve harms and traumas done to them that would if not for the possibilities of forgiveness be unforgivable.  I’ve ridden that journey of anger and pain with others just as others have ridden that journey of anger and pain with me.  None of this is easy.

BUT: it is doable.  The anger and cries for justice are only half the story.  It’s crucial that we experience our anger and honour our pain, but we can’t stay there.  Though it’s the truth, it’s not where the healing power is.  We must trek onward to the mount of mercy resident in God.