Desire and Distress in Intimate Relationships

Little things make a big difference in the world of relationships. This fact is never more palpable than in intimate relationships, where there is incredible power on the opposite sides of the knife’s edge.

Affirming behaviour is a genuine blessing,
just like behaviour that abandons harms.

I saw in a brief, two-minute video, revealing the power of a mother attending to her baby in two vastly different ways—communicatively, initially, before mimicking abandonment. At first, she smiled at her baby, talked with her, responded to her baby emotionally and verbally, and genuinely met her infant child as most parents endeavour to do. This was quite normal to watch. But the second half of the video was striking and distressing! It was a horrid encounter!

The mother became completely emotionally disconnected from her child; it is called still face experiment. What happens when the baby cannot communicate with her mother is she becomes incredibly distressed in such a short time period.

In intimate relationships, little things mean much.

Positive things add to the value shared between two, where trust blossoms and respect abounds, where interdependency is a feature, and joy and hope and peace are the felt outcomes.

But the opposite is also true. Just a few powerful negatives tear away at the fabric of rapport. Suddenly, what may have been a very happy alliance within the relationship can plummet and spiral into an abyss where trust can be destroyed, and disrespect is the visibly harrowing byproduct.

Imagine this scenario between a parent and a child, or a husband and a wife, or a boss and their employee. Imagine one, usually the one who has control over the power dynamic, disengaging from interaction, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

What the other person sees is remarkable. They see intentional abandonment, and this breeds a toxic climate between the two in a short space of time. What happens is the abandoned person responds out of desperation for attention, for validation, for care, for the needs that are very human needs. They begin to act like the wounded child. Very quickly we all descend into this pattern of behaviour having been abandoned.

If the pattern continues,
a pattern of abuse forming.

It is a form of control that constitutes bullying. And it will always create a bad response. We have known this for decades. I think of the blue eyed brown eyed experiments in the 1960s. If we treat someone horribly, human nature tells us that they will respond horribly. How horrendous is this, that an abuser knows they just need to push a person enough and they’ll push them over the edge enough that they’ll get into trouble!

It is inbuilt inhumanity to be cared for.

When I talk about intimate relationships, I don’t mean just marital relationships, although they are front and centre.

Any relationship where there is heavy dependence on another person to meet our needs is an intimate relationship. We necessarily need to come close to this person. We must interact with them, and trust and respect are needs of the relationship. Wherever we are in relationship and trust and respect are necessary for the relationship to continue, there are needs that must be met.

The lesson is this: in every relationship we have we must appreciate the desires in us and in the other person, and if those desires are not met in healthy ways, inappropriate behaviours will be the reciprocated response. It is so predictable.

Where the rubber hits the road
is in the relationships where we have power.

If we are parent or a spouse or we have a supervisory relationship over someone in the workplace, we must appreciate that we must meet the needs of those who depend on us.

If we don’t meet their needs,
it isn’t their fault if they behave inappropriately.
It’s ours. That’s leadership!

If the person you were in a relationship with abused you through apathy or abandonment, your negative response, though it may be called ‘inappropriate’ by them, wasn’t and isn’t your fault.

Sure, we may not have risen to the occasion of overlooking an offence, but as any psychologist will tell you, none of us can overlook offences that are repetitively performed against us. It’s just unrealistic to expect people to respond appropriately every time where there is systemic abuse.

Little things have great impact. Our positive behaviour in relationships doesn’t have to be huge all the time, just consistent. But our negative behaviour has huge consequences for them and us.

If we show dissonance and disdain,
we will receive despondency and dereliction.

It might seem like a little thing
[to some people]
but a lack of regard for care,
a lack of empathy and compassion
~~~ in an intimate relationship ~~~
THIS is enough to wreak catastrophe.

The attitude and behaviour (the depths) of remorse

When do you know someone is truly sorry? How can you tell there is true remorse? What must a person do or say to convince you they know they did the wrong thing?

The answers to these questions are not the same for everyone, yet there is a general truth we can all agree on: there is an attitude and behaviour of remorse.

In other words, someone can express remorse through their words, they can feel remorseful, or they can be remorseful.

You might think, what is the difference? There is a subtle yet significant difference.

There is a growing phenomenon in these times of people and situations where remorse is expressed, and apologies are spoken into existence, yet there is not quite the behaviour of remorse within the apology.

They could say it like this:

I am really sorry you feel hurt,
but I take no responsibility for how you feel.

~ or it might go like this ~

I’m sorry you feel hurt, but that’s not my fault.

Do you notice the attitude of remorse in this statement? It can be said with all the power of empathy without it actually being empathetic. It can be said, and indeed feel like it is meant, without it requiring anything from the speaker. And your gut knows something isn’t right. “How did they just say sorry, yet I find it hard to accept their apology? Am I being unfair?”

Do you see what has happened? There is the appearance of an apology, without the important qualities of an apology. It’s an ‘apology’ “and now let’s move on…”

The person is indeed saying they can see the other person is hurt, but they do not attach any personal responsibility to themselves for the action that caused the hurt.

They exonerate themselves from taking the responsibility to change their behaviour.

Dig a little deeper, and this is true for many people expressing remorse, and there is not enough remorse communicated to convince you that the person apologising will change their behaviour. Again, they might as well be saying, “I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, but that isn’t my fault.”

They don’t seem to see what they did wrong, how they wronged you, what they need to change, or how they’re to go about it. There is no conviction of heart and, therefore, no driving motivation to challenge their behaviour, let alone change it.

Now do you pick up how serious the subtleties involved in this are?

The attitude of remorse without the behaviour of remorse could well be described as an incomplete apology, and in many people’s books, it’s no apology at all.

In any conflict, there will always be disagreement about portions of contribution. When we express remorse, we aren’t saying we have done everything wrong, and we are the only ones in the wrong, but what we are saying is we were 100% wrong about what we did wrong. This is a critical distinction.

Saying a genuine sorry is taking
full responsibility for a single wrong.

It’s only when we take full responsibility
that we’re prepared to consider
a change to our behaviour.

If you want to know how to apologise to someone in such a way that they feel compelled to accept your apology, you only need to be sincere to the degree of accepting full culpability for what you did wrong.

You admit your part; you say sorry; you accept the consequences; you ask for forgiveness; and, most importantly in this situation, because it is imperative to do this to convince the other person that you understand what you did wrong, that you alter your behaviour and attitude. (When we teach these principles to children, in peacemakingterms, we call these the five A’s of apology.)

Very few people ever expect us to own all of the wrong that took place, but the people we are in conflict with have a fair expectation that we will own all of our own contribution. We often must do this before they’ll even consider their contribution.

This means we don’t just say sorry, but we accept that we are wrong, to the extent of the particular thing we did, and we change our behaviour regarding this particular thing accordingly.

Apologies like this are powerful. They have the power to reconcile relationships and restore trust. But there are many people who cannot and will not practice these principles. And when we know the distinction between these principles—between the attitude and behaviour of remorse—we can begin to call people gently to account.

Of course, the lesson in this is indeed personal; how are we in our relationships exemplifying the attitude and behaviour of remorse?

The narcissist epitomises the attitude of remorse without having the capacity to behave remorsefully. They say sorry but do not ever mean it.

They can say sorry, but of course, being sorry is more than simply saying the word.

There are two depths of remorse: surface level that mimics remorse, and a deeper level that embodies remorse. These depths might as well be worlds apart, for the heart is entirely different between them.

Photo by Ashley Rich on Unsplash

There’s no change, you’ve tried long enough already; you’re better off single (again)

I could not have written this 16 years ago. And yet when God got my attention, when I had no other way but to walk in surrender and humility, relying no longer on my own understanding because all my pride had been broken, I began to walk in what Jesus calls the ‘narrow way’, which so many of you know personally and no less live!

Through my experiences as a counsellor, on the back of my own personal experience of having lost a marriage, I can vouch for two things.

Firstly, if I take the second point to begin with, I was a husband in my first marriage who needed a wake-up call. And I received it. I needed to change. Unfortunately, it was too late for that marriage. But what happened was incredible. Sometimes in life God needs to get our attention. The experience broke me. But it was a breaking that needed to occur. The lie I was living needed to be told, and it was, and this wasn’t the end for me; it was an important beginning.

As a marriage counsellor, I can attest to the value in parties to a marriage getting each other’s attention. It could not be called ‘a marriage’ otherwise. Any inequality in terms of love within marriage is a blight on the blessed institution. Most of the time, and this is from real experience, it is about the wife getting her husband’s attention. All she needs to see is that he’s listening, that he’s taking serious account of her concerns, and that he shows genuine commitment toward making changes. Of course, it’s not always about the husband. I understand this. But most of the time, again from my experience, it is the wife who is trying admirably to hold the family together, to make the relationships work, and to bring all the threads of family life together.

Whoever is trying to build relational cohesiveness
is building into the marriage properly.

If what I’m saying is speaking to you thus far, I want to make it clear that I recognise that you have been trying so hard to make your marriage work for years.

You’re no stranger to sacrifice, and you’ve thought nothing of regularly laying down your life for your family members, each and every one.

But you have found that this has worn you down, and you’ve seen far too many signs—far too regularly—that your efforts have not reconciled situations as you would’ve liked; indeed, to your despair you can see now how your actions to prop things up have led to the enablement of poor behaviour, not least in your partner.

You’ve prayed to God for years. You had implored the Lord through prayer. You’ve been willing to do anything, and yet this is still not enough. You have said yourself many times, “desperate times call for desperate measures” and, yet you’ve been reluctant to carry out the changes you have long planned to carry out.

The true pity in this situation is that in bringing about action that could bring great transformative change, you could likely be blamed by do-gooders who want to keep your marriage together.

These people do not recognise that the marriage bond was broken long ago, and that you probably weren’t the first to break it. These people do not recognise that if you need life, it’s because those who depend on you need life, and you’re the one in control of facilitating that life, but it won’t occur without some pain. You’re not doing this out of selfishness; it’s for good reason. You’re doing this because justice warrants a decision. For one, and not least of all, the children deserve justice.

He cannot change unless you give him an opportunity. And though this opportunity comes through the vehicle of loss, it is his only hope.

I have seen a few men—literally a few—wrestle with this season of loss, and honestly bear their soul to salvation, and ultimately, over the years, their salvation has borne fruit.

They have become better husbands and better fathers—acceptable men who truly contribute to the fabric of society starting with the society within their family.

Very often this process costs a couple their marriage, but I have seen one example of a couple who put their marriage together again. Yes, just one.

I prayed to God for years that he would send me one couple that would encourage my heart; that the vision of reconciliation within marriage would be possible. And God did. It doesn’t stop me believing for others, but I have grown to be a realist, and I understand that it is literally one-in-100 that get the growth imperative.

Years ago, we couldn’t have spoken in these terms. To talk about separation and divorce within the Christian setting would’ve been beyond the pale. But I truly am thankful that today we can talk about the truth of these matters, because ultimately this is all about healthy relationships and where relationships aren’t healthy, there is impetus to growth.

Truth is more important than covering
over a lie to protect an image.

No, truth is so important that lies
to the extent of abuse cannot be tolerated.

When we consider that we will all stand before God one day to give an account of our lives, we quickly determine that living in truth, albeit seemingly costly, is the only way to go.

My prayer is this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

May you have mercy on my soul for the words that I have written here. Light the truth of your word and give courage to the faithful, and give conviction to the heart that is both the weary and to the one that is wanting; to the weary that they may be decisive and to the wanting that they may take the challenge of loss as an opportunity to find you nestled deep in the treasure of life; and, as they recover, give them hope for a second chance; and, help us be merciful to the person who will not learn, because the debt they owe us is now transferred to you, and you will have your way with them eventually.

Amen.

Photo by Praveesh Palakeel on Unsplash

Letter to the Unscrupulous Employer

Hello Boss,

I thought I would write you this letter because I’ve been pondering the term ‘employer of choice’. Somebody used it recently. It got me curious. I thought, ‘what does it mean to be an employer of choice?’

Would it mean that you would pay me the hours that I actually work? Would it mean that you would appreciate a little bit more often the many times I go above and beyond the call of my role? Would it mean you taking a little bit more interest in what I do, and not just the interest you take for the things I need to do better? And would it mean that you would take an active interest in my life and especially in my development? Would it also mean, finally, that you don’t envisage perfection from me as an expectation?

Instead, I feel a little taken for granted. And I feel that a little too often. Would I choose to work for you, and to give my absolute fullest effort, and for that to be considered normal and simply what is required? You seem to require more out of me for less these days. More is expected and less positive feedback is given. There is more happening now than ever before, and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, there is always more work to do. I never get anything finished, not properly. But you don’t seem to care.

Since I heard about the term ‘employer of choice’, as I look around, I find few examples, and then I’m reminded of the merits of that deplorable union movement that advanced the idea of employers of choice in the first place. Somehow, we’ve been lulled into a world that expects more and cares less.

Sorry if this is harsh and hard-to-take feedback. You probably live in a world that doesn’t seem to appreciate you, too. Sorry about that. There just doesn’t seem to be the care that there used to be. Perhaps it was the excesses of the 80s and 90s, when the world was falling in love with systems, and ‘continuous improvement’ and ‘excellence’ were buzzwords and terms we believed in. Oh, I remember those days alright. The business world had a love affair with excellence. Great work was our purpose, and with it, a sense of vivacious celebration. It just seems now that great work is what must happen, without the celebrations. The good thing about yesteryear was it seemed that there were more employers you could term ‘employers of choice’.

An employer of choice has superior conditions and the superlative culture; where what is said about the place is matched in reality; where there is time to do things, or more appropriately time to enjoy a job well done.

I wonder why there are so many workplace abuses; where people are starved of their need of support and they are exploited for everything they have. And yet there are so many employees who are prepared to rip and ravage, stay a year or two and then move on. Sometimes they might stay only for a short time because of how they are treated.

I wonder if in today’s world whether people truly know that the concept of an ‘employer of choice’ is possible. Many people may think it is a noble aspiration, but completely unrealistic. And yet there are those who to expect to work for an employer of choice.

I guess I am digressing. This was meant to be a letter to you, my boss, by way of honesty; the type of honesty I can’t really express, because it would probably get me fired. I guess that’s the difference between employers of choice and those who are not worth working for. But you and I both know I need this job.

You should be able to be honest about how you feel about your employment. But it’s rarely the reality. Where you can be honest, where your honesty is valued, you work for an employer of choice!

(This article is not a present self-portrait)

Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

What’s going on in a counsellor in a counselling session?

Whilst I can’t confess to know what goes on within other counsellors as they counsel their clients, I can share with you what goes on within me.

There are a range of thoughts and feelings I experience in a typical counselling session, from the practicalities of keeping on eye on the time we’re using, so there is maximum value for the client and so we don’t run overtime and disrespect others, to the delicate nuances of intuiting what is actually happening in the room. Counselling is a very cognitive and ‘felt’ experience.

Counselling is a very mysterious craft that none of us ever masters. Sometimes it’s a single word that someone will say, or it’s the way that they will say it, where I have to discern within my spirit to pursue the moment or not. There’s certainly no perfect practice, which is emblematic really of the tenet of human improvement—accepting our imperfection is a key part of the journey.

The thoughts I think

I don’t know about other counsellors, but I use ‘balloons’ with which to trap and track thoughts. Once I find I’m holding about three or four balloons at any time, I find I need to either give feedback or ask questions.

My key task is to hold and absorb the information given to me, which demands my listening, memory and encoding skills, together with managing my own thought processes, which are effectively prayers, where I am asking God ‘when, how, why, etc’. My thinking is at least binary.

I find that when I am listening, I’m in kind of recording mode, being careful not to miss any of their words and intent or heart behind the words. This is where the skill of quick interjection comes in handy. To be able to be honest when I’ve missed something, or where it is possible I have misunderstood something, clarity is a must.

The quick interjection can be a simple as a single word or two framed as a question. I have found that people always enjoy the process of my checking, because it proves to them that I am both listening and interested; that there is genuine curiosity in my process and care.

The second part of my process is the process of managing the time and space and of being a good steward. This is mostly about wisdom, but  more than occasionally it's also about faith as well, to take a risk with the time, to venture into an area that I think could well be explored for the benefit of the client and my own understanding of their needs.

This is where I find discerning the moment is impossible without actually asking God, “What, when and how, Lord?” “Show me, please.” And God never fails to show up, almost every time in surprising ways.

The emotions I feel

Counselling involves me in all of my emotions as I ride the emotions of the person with me on this journey of empathy. It’s one of the most exciting yet daunting features of counselling; the emotions are a big journey. Having courage goes with the territory.

Whenever someone sees counsellor, they intuitively know that they need a fellow pilgrim. I am never fearful of what I will experience emotionally, because I have learned that the emotions are not to be feared. I have learned that the emotions carry us to a deeper, more transcendent, life, and that such an experience of life as this has far more benefits than costs. So I try to feel everything that the other person feels, or is vulnerable enough to feel. In a sense, I cannot empathise enough!

Sometimes it’s a case that there’s not much emotion at all, and that makes me curious. Sometimes I’ll wonder if this is me. In counselling, the counsellor is as much reading themselves and learning themselves as they are learning about the other person and helping the other person. This inbuilt humility in the process makes it work basically every time.

Also, my own feelings need to be attended to. Like when I’m feeling vulnerable or threatened or frustrated. What’s that about? When I’m attentive, I get a glimpse into what’s happening in the room. Sometimes my emotions can be a mirror into what the other person is feeling but are as yet not conscious of. If we’re humble enough in the moment, which means we’re being courageously open and honest about our weakness, we can learn a great deal.

~

Counselling’s greatest reward is when the people in the process witness the victorious human spirit rise and conquer its foes. And those foes are many and varied; some that were simply unknown and some that are dark and sinister. But as we walk together, we watch them made known in the light and then fall into the darkness. And into freedom we continue by faith.

~

My role is to ‘travel with’, and it was a journey with my eldest daughter that commenced over 10 years ago when she was a mid-teen that taught me this, even though I’d been counselling people before that.

My role is not to provide advice, or to give wisdom, nor is it to cajole or direct, though this is sometimes what happens as a result.

My role is to imagine with the person as to where they’re at, and once  we’re there, to help them negotiate their way toward the goals they seek. It’s all about them.

Photo by MINDY JACOBS on Unsplash

Nah… No! DON’T Go Around Breaking Stuff!

We all have our triggers. Something I read today provoked an inner sense of disgust, even though I know the motives behind what was written, and what was shared, seemed innocent enough.

Here is what was quoted; maybe I’m overthinking it:

“Don’t pretend.

Cry.

Scream.

Break a few things if you need to.

God is not afraid of your darkness.

Actually, the Spirit is masterful at creating from chaos.” (Carlos A. Rodriguez)

I get it. I understand what the author is trying to say. But I just can’t get past that middle sentence: sorry, it’s not okay to break stuff. The trouble is when we break stuff we break things of value, to us or to others or to us all, and sometimes when we break stuff, we break people.

And, am I allowed to say this, when people break stuff it’s scary. I know, I know, when we are in the darkness it is scary, but we don’t need to make it scarier for others than necessary. There are far more appropriate ways of finding solace in God, and finding a healing that only comes from God.

I wonder how many people read those words, and that sentence jumped out of them, because they have a background in family or domestic violence. I wonder just how many people have been traumatised by violence, because what is it that traumatises us? Violence!

People breaking stuff.

The general thrust of what the author is saying certainly has merit, but why give license to those who might weaponise their anger to promote their own ‘healing’, when that healing, done in this way, can potentially wreak havoc in lives around them; certainly in loved ones lives.

I have seen too many times people break stuff in anger only to regret it minutes later, and they spend months and even years repaying a debt they cannot afford to repay. What about those who have to repay others’ debts? I’ve seen people break ‘stuff’, and that stuff be people. One woman per week in Australia is broken; I don’t mean to the point of needing to be healed. One woman per week in Australia is permanently broken. Her life is ended. She has been killed. Because someone broke stuff!

It isn’t okay to say that maybe you should break some things if you need to. This plays far too much into the hands of our self-centred spirituality these days. When it’s all about me. I’m sorry, but if you need to to break stuff to feel better you’re doing it wrong. Sure, if we have broken stuff, and so many of us have in the past, we do pay the consequences, and beyond that need not feel guilty, given that paying the consequences should amend the guilt.

For the person reading this, especially the man, who has power to break stuff, to break human bodies, to destroy possessions, and to shed fear abroad in the lives of those close by, please do not go and break things ‘if you need to’.

You don’t need to.

Speaking of the ‘No’ Test, thought of the ‘Yes’ Test?

Do you know the ‘no’ test? Ladies should. Early in a romantic relationship, and especially as the relationship ‘lands’ at a time when conflict begins to rise, a lady should ensure she is able to say ‘no’ when she feels like it. Not to be nasty, of course; but, if she cannot be herself, what use is there being yoked to a man—and be who he wants you to be without you being who you know yourself to be and need to be for yourself?

So, the ‘no’ test is important in every relationship—for both parties—so both parties don’t lose themselves in some toxic liaison with forever consequences, i.e. codependency!

But the ‘yes’ test is just as important.

The ‘yes’ test is all about asking a seasonal question—lingering on the question for a season. A length of time. Can I say ‘yes’ to the rest of my life with this person? With all I know of him after dating him over a year. (Perhaps asking this question deep into the second year will prove more effective.) If you don’t even get to this point—in other words, the relationship is untenable before this point—good! You haven’t wasted your time.

Even though we live at a time where there’s far more ‘enlightenment’ about equality and fairness in relationships, what is surprising is also on the rise—the opposite spirit of narcissism. And even in younger people, younger men, it is surprising how attitudes to women haven’t changed in a sector of our society. It’s just like the perennial problem we have with racism. Or Islamophobia… and every other Phobos. In some quarters attitudes have not changed.

Ladies, please take counsel. There are men out there who will be positively charming, who will sweep you right off your feet, just like has never happened before to any woman (oh yes, it feels this way for just about everyone!), but give it time and a darker side may well rise. The more charming he is, the more connection initially, the more of a surprise it is when the dark side rises.

There is only one hope for men like this: for me it was the Twelve Step Program nearly 16 years ago. I had to learn something very profound; a learning that took a few years investment. It has paid handsomely. It wasn’t so much that I disrespected my wife (though I had!), it was more that I could not be honest with myself. A program of recovery teaches you to be honest with yourself. Man, you reading this, if you feel it’s her that’s being nasty to you, work out whether it’s you starting it or whether she’s safe—if she’s not safe, then get out. But if you’re starting it, stop! Accept your contribution to the conflict, own your behaviour, including your anger, and do not be violent!

Narcissistic men don’t want to set the example in repentance—actually, correction; they cannot. Ladies, if you’re in a relationship where there’s even a sniff of abuse—and please think beyond physical or sexual abuse into emotional, verbal, spiritual, financial abuse and neglect—look narcissism up. Do your research. Narcissists cannot stand being called narcissistic. They will explode or get you back or throw it back at you (or all these and more in stereo!) if you even mention the word ‘abuse’. But a guy who can transact with these terms—who can see his fault—who is honest and quick to own it—this man is a keeper.

The ‘yes’ test is this: can I truly say ‘yes’ to everything about this man—given what I know now, i.e. it’s not about your hopes for him to grow—for the rest of my life?

Forget about your hopes for him to grow. Growth is a future thing. It is not a now thing.

If his behaviour is to change, it will take at least a year of seeing it consistently before he has any credibility. Most of all, his attitude must change. He must, like every other adult person, take his own responsibility. If you can, he should too.

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

One Thing ‘Old’ People want to say to Young People

One of my uncles turned 80 and when asked how he felt he simply remarked he felt like a twenty-year-old, but with creaky knees. As I talked with some of my cousins, they noted the same phenomenon. And as I reflected, at nearly 52 years of age myself, I found resoundingly, I feel the same way.

As we get older, provided we look after our health, we don’t feel old. We may look older, but we don’t necessarily feel old. And this is an important thing for young whipper snappers to be aware of.

You may be 20-something or 30-something and think that people in their forties, fifties, sixties and beyond feel old because they look older. No, the good news is life gets better with age!

Now, if you’re ‘aged’ and you don’t agree, that’s your prerogative. But let me caution you; you can feel youthful if you want to.

But most of all I want to say from someone ageing gracefully by God’s grace, you don’t need to feel old just because you’re older. You may not be able to do the things you once did, but with your health in check, you can feel as my uncle does—like a twenty-year-old!

So, if you are young, the best is yet to come!

I’m so happy to enjoy the privilege of age. Honestly, it’s a blessing not afforded to everyone. The older we get, the more legacy we can leave. And the best thing, as we diligently sow for our health, if we have it, we truly don’t feel old even if we look old.

Now, I am aware that some people have conditions that make it impossible for them to identify with what I’ve written here. Respect to them!

Photo by Kelley Bozarth on Unsplash

When Justice Rains Down from Heaven

What would happen if all the secrets in the world were suddenly made known? If every abuse was brought out into the light. If every good deed done in secret was revealed for God’s glory, so that truth would be known and each and every survivor would receive their immediate and owed vindication.

What would happen if suddenly nobody could deny, ignore or refute the truth? If every abuse suddenly had the spotlight shined on it. If every abuser was suddenly naked before every peering eye. Like a cataclysmic spotlight that shone in every evil place, brilliantly, simultaneously, so the wicked had no place to hide.

What would happen if there were no more secrets? If nobody who had to keep their secret felt they had to keep it secret any more. If everyone who kept a dark secret was found out. If all the evil was purged at once from the earth.

What would happen if there were no more future abuses? If the truth had rained down forever and secrets were impossible to keep hidden. If justice was now irrepressible. If sin had no refuge anymore, and everyone actually lived as if they were in the full Presence of the fear of God.

What would happen if those who suffered horrendous abuses were suddenly seen and heard and believed and supported and loved and cared for? If they saw their noonday vindication, and could hardly believe it for the fact that it had arrived in the fullest array of reality. If in real life, in real living colour, raw emotions of release and peace were felt at last as it were promised from long ago.

What would happen if those who long thought they’d never have a charge to answer found themselves bereft of defence and completely forlorn of excuse? If evil personified was finally arraigned in a fashion that was such a  rabid justice that the survivor only felt pity on them, such was the swiftness and severity of the consequent punishment. If the survivor of abuse was dramatically and miraculously relieved of the effects of their trauma. If they were healed in one agile movement of grace.

What would happen if everything promised from creation’s beginning came to pass this instant? If heaven fell to the floor of this moment’s eternity and completely transformed the existential cusp. If justice came amid eternity’s promise.

Oh what a day that would be!

Hope upon hope. Justice comes. It is coming.

And though this life hardly presents upon our perception that these wishes are realities, they are in fact eternal realities that are realer than even this life’s experiences.

Would you accept their apology if they never changed their behaviour?

There are two kinds of narcissists; those who never apologise and those who pretend to apologise, all the while knowing they have no desire nor will to change. As far as east is to west, the pattern narcissist can never change; they never wish to; they never see the need; they never can because they never see their wrong. Harsh words? They possibly sound harsh.

But the only hope anyone has
if they need to change is to change. 

Sometimes what people need most of all is for people to doubt their ability to change, so they are motivated to prove the doubters wrong.

Let’s talk about resistance versus reluctance to change for a moment. The person who is resistant to change, who needs to change in order to relate respectfully with others, but refuses to is a hopeless case who cannot be honest or trusted. Notice how I used the word ‘resistant’ rather than ‘reluctant’—most of us are reluctant to change, but resistance to change when one must is another level of stubbornness below and beyond help.

The question that this article asks ought to be on all our hearts as we ponder the success or otherwise of our relationships.

Too many of us have become ‘yoked’ to people—partners, bosses, family members, friends, pastors, etc—who fell short of a standard the common person might expect in terms of reconciling wrongs.

I love the idea that we as contributors to conflict ought to own 100 percent of our contribution to the conflict; not 80 percent nor 100 percent of our own and 20 percent of theirs also. The best relationships feature protagonists prepared to own 100 percent of their individual contributions.

If someone cannot own what they did wrong, and they cannot be honest to this degree, they have no hope of reconciling the matter with the one they hurt. But even if they do agree, and they do apologise, how do we feel if they accept they did wrong but cannot or will not change?

Will that be acceptable? Well, we do need to ask ourselves if it makes a difference. We need to be ready to deal with more fallout if their apology is as thin as their words are and we’ve trusted them again. Perhaps we’re ready to forgive the fact that they harmed us, but we’re not ready to trust them to the extent of another foray. Maybe it’s fairer to say that we’ll wish them best and keep our distance from now on.

Perhaps we see that there is no sense for repentance in them at all. Then what do we do? If there’s no repentance—absolutely no insight for the damage they did—what are we to do? Surely we must protect would-be targets of such a person—as far as that depends on us. We should expect not to be listened to, because people go headlong into all sorts of affairs of risk.

But the real issue we’re discussing pivots around whether an apology in and of itself is enough. Maybe we can agree that a central part of an apology is promising to change and delivering upon that change.

In this way we could say that an apology that falls short of the action of change is no apology at all.

Certainly we could say that the original offence is more than doubled, and even compounds, if there’s no apology; and, where the apology is given, but  action falls short of being sustained, that it never was an apology to begin with.

There is at times a cost borne on empaths who forgive and forget too easily. It would be best to wait and see and give a person a long opportunity to prove that they’ve changed. That process takes more than just a few months. In the meantime, we have to live our lives.

Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash