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TRIBEWORK is about consuming the process of life, the journey, together.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Loving Stubborn People – Not Changing Them

Some people will never change – so let’s stop trying to change them. Most people hate being told – so let’s stop telling them what to do.

There are at least a couple of things here. Firstly, despite our wishes for others to change and get with our or the ‘program,’ and even our false thoughts around expecting them to change, the fact is people hardly ever change, and even when they do change it tends to occur slowly and over time.

Change depends on the innermost desire of the person in question—nothing and no one is changing them despite themselves.

Changing What We Can

Secondly, we can change ourselves and our expectations of our situations.

This is something we have the ultimate control over. We control our thoughts and our thoughts are driven from our values and expectations, amongst other things.

We must check our thoughts and be accountable for them.

When we decide to ‘fit’ ourselves to the situations that are dogging us, accepting that the other person or people probably won’t change, we offer critical space for the rapport between us to enjoy a more peaceful harmony. And sometimes people do start to change when we’ve finally given up trying to change them; when we’ve accepted them as they are.

Working With the Obstinate Person

We all know a stubborn person or four. These people have been placed in our lives for the conforming of our characters I’m sure. Although they don’t know it, they’re playing a very godly role in our lives—if we’ll let them.

If we have trouble ‘changing’ a mild-mannered person what makes us think we’ll have the remotest amount of success with someone very set in their ways? It’s quite insane thinking.

The function of the stubborn person is to change us, not the other way around. Isn’t that a mind-bending thought—that obstinate and crass people are purposed to mould us into better people?

We will have much more influence over people when we absolutely discard any thought of changing them. And we may even have our best impact with the stubborn as we surprise them by our grace-filled reactions with and to them.

We just keep doing it. We keep getting better and more consistent at it.

The Gift of Life Beckons

If we’re truly able to change, and we’re teachable—right through the lifespan, we will be the ones who will truly live, for our very demeanour of efficacy, a.k.a. capability, is buoyed never so well as when we master ourselves and fit ourselves to our world.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.


  1. Wow! Steve I so needed to read this today. I praise the Lord that He is, through those who "don't get it" changing my "controlling" mindset more and more - ouch! The truth hurts. I thank God too for revelation that continues to knock off the uglier parts of us and brings forth His beauty of character in all we do towards others. Hallelujah!

  2. Thanks for that feedback, Sue. I really enjoyed writing this one. God bless you.


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