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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Being the Respectful Lover

Many men find it difficult, and for a few almost impossible, to rein in their desires regarding their lovemaking with their wives. Likewise, women may occasionally find respectfulness the missing link in their relationships—despite how otherwise well-behaved their husbands might be.

It may be a sad reality that a man’s intimacy may grow to the detriment of his respectfulness for his wife. We are speaking, of course, in generalisations. This will not apply to all men and women, or in all marriages.

Harnessing Respectfulness

It is critically important for a woman to feel respected; that her man finds her attractive and interesting to the point that she receives nothing less than his full courtesy, because that is what she deserves—his fullest portion of love in ways that hold relevance to her.

It is just as necessary for a man to feel respected within the relationship. Indeed, several noted writers have detailed significant works on the man’s need to be respected and the woman’s need to be loved.

But respectfulness, one given to another, is a right and privilege of, and for, both.

Harnessing such respectfulness is enquiring, and perhaps often, regarding how it is for our partners. This needn’t be done in any aggressive or submissive sense; just in a way that promotes the wellbeing of our partner.

Shifting the Emphasis

Being a respectful lover of our wife or husband is really determined by them, not us; if we consider them to be fair judges of respectfulness; and we ought to. There is nothing to be gained in thinking they are not. There is, though, much to be gained in converting any intelligence they will give us into learning so our respectfulness can be increased or made more meaningful.

This is about shifting the emphasis; understanding what the core issue or issues are, in behavioural speak, and constructing plans to oversee the changes we seek (because we, alone, must accept ownership for any changes we feel we need to make).

Shifting the emphasis is about understanding the presence of any barrier to respectfulness, as it is knowing the terms on which our partners determine what is respectful and what isn’t. Once we know these things we can set about addressing them; and we need to.


Being a respectful lover is the unwritten both-ways covenant invoked, silently, by the other partner. Both owe it to each other, but more so they owe it to themselves, for being a respectful lover is being self-respectful.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

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