There are perhaps few more irritating issues than being in a long-term partnership that “should be” and seeing a younger, more vibrant couple—one that “is.” Falling in love again might be our keenest desire and it can be tormenting.
For the many that consider themselves ‘in love’, there are maybe as many out-of-love or, worse, resigned to the fact love has long since left town and cannot be recaptured.
When we feel out of control to the hope of love we may still struggle with competitiveness.
We must get over the ‘show-off’ element—them or us. It’s a common temptation to want to project a loving, and therefore successful, relationship. A lack of integrity does nothing, though, to breed an environment where intimacy, commitment, and passion can swell.
Relational outcomes can only be improved when we’re honest enough as a couple, and when there is a shared desire.
Grounding Important Realities
One thing we must best acknowledge, also, is the fact that all healthy marriages/relationships go through troughs of shared dissonance or individual ambivalence—mostly for little apparent reason.
Sometimes this is because something new has emerged; it’s almost always about competing forces. What competes for the attentions of the relationship—time and effort spent?
Another important reality that impacts all relationships is the ebb and flow of life. Like a sportsperson is found in-form or out-of-form, marriages have their seasons of both bliss and frustration—and, in fact, all between.
The theory of falling in love again is, however, possibly as simple as noting and applying the following triangular theory.
Love as a Triangle
Falling in love again, or improving anything regarding love, is about attending to three core elements: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Intimacy is created by swimming behind our partner, in determining what waves they are dealing with and how they are coping—not for feedback, but for empathy.
Passion cannot be reinvigorated without a platform of relational intimacy, unless it’s a selfish passion—that’s not what we want. Intimacy, therefore, is the usual precursor to falling in love again. Anything that engenders intimacy may take us closer to passion.
Commitment can’t be underestimated, for where there is commitment, especially by both parties, the motivation is inherent and the wherewithal is found.
Falling in love again is about intimacy first and foremost, underpinned by commitment, with passion as a crucial benefactor. Falling in love again is as much about reinventing intimacy, passion, and commitment as it is reclaiming it.
© 2011 S. J. Wickham.